Haven - 1.11
From a chat dated 12/27/11:
Charlie: so that episode that is in your TNG zine, Haven, i was gonna do that one, but then i saw it’s the first Luxwana ep, and i didn’t know if you, like, wanted it
Charlie: since you and luxwana have a thing together
Anna: you can do it if you want
but spell her name right
THAT’S ALL I’M SAYING
Charlie: i mean
when i write the thing
i’ll look up the
Charlie: you haven’t done this one, right?
it’s Deanna’s arranged marriage
Anna: I am looking at the wiki page for it
and I would remember that rick springfield hair
you’re already doing it
those portraits look like they were done by a Chinese man on fisherman’s wharf
Anna: “This is the one and only time that Homn speaks.”
ok yes I want to do it
I mean we’re both already doing it
So, as you can see, Charlie relinquished this sort of terrible first-season episode - intensely campy, with one scene that is one of the most awful examples of clunky exposition I’ve ever seen on TNG or anywhere, but all redeemed by the fashions of Lwaxana Troi, Daughter of the Fifth House, Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx, Heir to the Holy Rings of Betazed. I fucking love that bitch.
In any event, we have to start where plenty of things start: in Riker’s quarters.
Fuck-me eyes are key to playing this kind of harp
Or I suppose really, more things end in his quarters than start there. These ladies, clad in some nicely coordinating dresses that are perhaps meant to evoke futuristic angels but to me evoke nothing so much as the opening number from Sister Act (the movie, and I’m kind of pissed I even have to specify that). Except these ladies don’t have glorious knockers like Deloris Van Cartier’s backup singers, and also how wonderfully 80s is their hair? I think the blonde used some sort of proto-Bump-It made of wire and felt.
So Riker is sitting there, enjoying his private fuck-harp concert:
Riker is into some weird shit, man
True or false:
- Riker has gotten blown in this chair
- Riker actually looks like this when he is getting blown
- Harp fetishes are more common than you think
I take it back; this is his getting-blown face
But then the goddamn captain needs him in the transporter room so he has to go there. Ugh. It’s like he’s the boss or something. Riker gives us a hearty teen-girl eyeroll:
Okay, maybe this is the getting-blown face? Riker gets blown a lot
So Riker hightails it to the transporter room, where Tasha Yar is talking to a silver face in a box:
At least it’s not carbonite
This is the thing about this show, and especially the first season: they think they can just do literally ANYTHING and then be like “LOLLLLL IT’S SPACE” while ignoring the fact that this facebox looks ridiculous:
I least I got my SAG card
Actually, the actor playing the Betazoid Gift Box would go on to play a much more well-known character in the Star Trek universe - click the link to see the Memory Alpha page for the surprise!
Aaaaaanyway, the reason there is a Betazoid Gift Box at all is that it turns out that Troi was betrothed to some dude back when they were both children, and it’s time to make good on that proposal. Deanna is doing her very best not to look alluring by wearing this jumpsuit that appears to be made of either very stiff denim of very flimsy cardboard:
Somehow, still alluring
It’s marginally better than the one in episode 6 of this season, if only for the fact that it has a pink fake belt instead of a boring silver one. Deanna has a closet full of this jumpsuit in every color combination, you’ll come to see, which I can’t fault her for, since I do that with dresses. It’s called “knowing your look.” That said, none of my dresses have a giant vagina arrow, so I think I still win this one, D.
So the Gift Box is like “you have to marry this dude” and D is like “oh shit” and Riker is like “oh shiiiiiit” and they go tell Picard, and Deanna continues to wear the jumpsuit, but we all know that something better is on the way:
I AM MAJEL-LY EXCITED
The vagina arrow looks more salmon than fuchsia here. Probably best not to evoke thoughts of fish there, D.
So she tells JLP what the deal is and he is like “ok bye” while Riker stares off into the middle distance to assuage his heartbreak:
I was thinking about Cheetos
Where is the egress on that jumpsuit? Does the butt arrow zip off? Is it made of beef jerky? I have so many questions.
Just let me lean and sulk, okay
I think I see a back zip there on Deanna’s outfit, but more notable in this little scene: she calls Riker “Bill.” I actually have a friend from high school named Will who, when we were kids, went by Bill, and thinking about calling him Bill now is, like, really weird. This is just to say: Wills are totally hotter than Bills, so I like that they transitioned to that nickname later. I mean, think about Will Pullman. Doesn’t he sound hot?!
Okay, so I’m sorry it took kind of a while to get to the real fashions, but we are all going to be rewarded for our patience when Deanna’s betrothed and his parents roll in:
Today’s episode is sponsored by grey. Yes, just the color
We have the betrothed and his dad, both in pretty interesting jackets in fairly traditional suiting fabrics:
I have the need…the need for tweed
I don’t know what’s up with that belly panel that pop’s got going on, but I am seriously into those shoulder patches. And it’s a bold pattern he’s rocking, but I’m sure there’s some distinguished, slightly gay British historian wearing a suit in a similar pattern right now.
Wyatt - another hot name - is rocking what looks like a wool blend of some kind with a giant triangle on his front. Do you think that’s slimming, Wyatt? You are wrong.
Aw, Wyatt. Your hair.
But the best part of these new arrivals is Wyatt’s mom:
HAT THREAT LEVEL: SEVERE
Oh, yes, this is a good hat. This is some Dowager Countess hat realness right here. If this lady is Violet, I guess that makes Wyatt Lord Grantham, and Deanna is Cora? They both have that weird affected mid-Atlantic accent, so it even kind of works.
I can’t tell if that’s a scarf wrapped around her neck or a turtleneck or - god forbid - a mock turtleneck, but whatever it is, it’s working, and I love that bow detail. This is actually a wonderful look for a woman of this age, and!
Glove the one you’re with
Motherfucking gloves. Not just gloves, lace gloves. This is a classy bitch. Look how her gown moves:
U jealous, Helen Mirren?
But even though this woman has an outfit I think is not only interesting from a design perspective, appropriate for her and for the time period, and includes a hat that Guinan would be proud of, she cannot compete with my girl Lwaxana:
The first shot we see of her is in profile:
Stop! In the name of fashion
Okay, I don’t know how much you guys know about sleeves, but there is a kind of sleeve called the dolman sleeve (sometimes called a batwing sleeve) that typically looks like a regular sleeve at your wrist, but has a real big armhole, usually no lower than one’s waist. Lwaxana is so badass that her jacket’s armholes go ALL THE WAY TO HER ASS AND PAST IT. Her dolman sleeves are the dolmanest.
Yes, that’s a crown. Bow down to me
The dolman jacket is made of a beautiful shiny quilted fabric that would not look out of place on either an extremely luxurious bedspread OR a satin jacket worn by Queen Latifah. This is a compliment, as I love Queen Latifah. I mean, look:
I’m a genie in a bottle
Picard’s face remains approximately the same whenever he is dealing with Lwaxana, and honestly, I don’t blame him. She would be exhausting in real life. Possibly worth it to borrow her dresses, though? Speaking of which, we haven’t even gotten to the dress underneath yet!!!
"What can I do? NOT be fabulous??"
This getup smacks heavily of Lord Licorice from Candyland - the marbleized red fabric, the belt and accents seemingly made of Twizzlers, the general air of superiority. And you can’t tell in this shot, but there are mysterious shoulder cut-outs as well:
Seriously, her dress is made of candy and now I want candy
I saw this hairdo and I realized that maybe what Deanna’s questionable first-season updo was meant to evoke was some sort of Betazoid tradition, her one concession to her culture (well, half her culture) while still being an officer. The gems, the tight, thick ponytail, the sleek silhouette. Lwaxana makes it look easy.
So everyone is settled in on the ship, which is orbiting a planet called Haven, which is (according to legend) a place where people can go to be healed of their ailments. A mysterious ship is approaching and the people of Haven are understandably worried, so they have one of their elected officials contact the Enterprise:
Bea Arthur: The Ice Dancing Years
I love a) this outfit and b) that this is a politician on this planet. Illusion netting, flowing lines, just enough cling to show that she’s a humanoid lady (read: yabos), and a color seen mostly on polo shirts worn by villains in 80s teen movies. Can you imagine Newt Gingrich in this? Wait, don’t do that, you’ll have nightmares for days. Plus, her hair looks cool:
If you’re gonna muumuu, go full muumuu
It’s a sheer poncho, a garment that, by all logic, should not look good on anyone, and yet girl is pulling it off. This Kelly Osbourne motherfucker is working it. She also has a French accent for no discernible reason.
Meanwhile, Wyatt, who is not really as hot as his name would suggest, is sulking in his quarters:
YOU’RE NOT MY DAD
Those pants are killer, but he’s removed the triangle jacket to reveal:
Goddamnit, mock turtleneck
Fuck! Why?! Why do they insist on trying to make mock turtlenecks work? Just like “fetch,” IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. His hair is a little less Rick Springfield and a little more Kenny Loggins here, but he definitely needs a little volume if he’s going to make that cut work.
Deanna swings by to, you know, get to know her future husband, and notices some drawings (the aforementioned Fisherman’s Wharf artwork):
He should be taking volumizer tips from this lady
He says he’s been seeing her in his dreams, which prompts the obvious question: are all of his dreams Van Halen videos?
But they move on to the engagement party, where both Lwaxana and Mrs. Miller have changed into new gowns in the exact same colors of the gowns they were already wearing:
Plant arm is the new dolman sleeve
This looks like a crushed velvet, much more luxurious than the previous gown, and also includes an amazing neckpiece that I kind of want (and apparently, could have). (Side note: WHO WANTS TO BUY ME THIS?!?!)
Also please note the mullet/bouffant in the background.
The neckpiece again:
The gems are held together by hot glue and faith
But hold your breath, it gets better:
Baby got etc.
VERY BOLD. Her back looks dynamite, though, and I think this predates those useless-seeming sticky boob things (if you are a lady and have used these, let me know how they worked because seriously they seem completely useless), which means she’s free-boobing it. I would never be so brave.
Mrs. Miller, appropriately, still looks like she’s at a very proper garden party:
They wear WHAT at Betazoid weddings?!?!?!?!?!
I think this might actually just be the same dress from before, with the coat removed to reveal this grandma-ish floral fabric that has a bunch of knife pleats for some reason, probably because I want to stab it. I do still love that bow thing on her shoulder.
For those of you not already in the know, Betazoid weddings are a nude event. For everyone. This seems like a fairly terrible idea, what with the kind of people you’re required to invite to weddings (creepy uncles, weird cousins, coworkers), but them’s the traditions.
As for Deanna, she gets to wear something other than her normal look and she looks SO PRETTY YOU GUYS:
Eat your heart out, Kim Kardashian
This neckline is perfect for an event where your parents are: not too much cleave, but enough to display those collarbones. The fabric is a skosh southwestern-themed-restaurant-booth-upholstery-y, but the color palette is nice and it certainly looks softer than some fabrics she wears. But what, pray tell, does the bottom of this outfit look like? We’ll get to that presently. First I want to point out that the rest of the partygoers on the crew do not get to wear new outfits (sad), but in return, they GET THEIR HAIR DID:
Vidal Sassoon based an entire career off Tasha Yar’s look
Wyatt, if Tasha can get her hair this high without sticking her finger in a socket, you have no excuse for that limp mop on your head.
I also had a screenshot of Bev with a low chignon, but somehow it was lost to the mists of time. I’ll be honest: I’m pissed. I might go back and grab another one.
Also of note at this party is Mrs. Troi’s trusty valet, Mr. Homn, who provides a sedate foil to Lwaxana’s fanciness:
I can’t think of another way to express how beige is the worst
Beeeeeeiiiigggggggge. Bleh. It’s like he WANTS to blend into the wall. But this sand-colored carpet coat does fit him quite nicely, and also I did not realize that Mr. Homn has a secret backstory as an alcoholic. Incidentally, the one thing he says when he speaks is, “Thank you for the drinks.”
So the party’s fine, except for a squabble between the mothers about the whole naked wedding business, and then Riker sulks off to the holodeck, which is where we get to see the rest of Deanna’s outfit:
Saves on pattern expenses
If you thought it was anything other than THAT SAME JUMPSUIT ONLY IN A DIFFERENT COLOR, why are you even here? Obviously it is that.
With the vagina arrow and everything
The thing is, when I buy a dress in multiple colors, it’s because it looks GREAT. Deanna looks fine in this (not foine, just fine), but it’s not really her best look, you know? Straight-leg pants? Flat butt-region? We can do better.
That said, it’s not a complete tragedy:
More big old belts than [insert name of wrestler who won a bunch of those big belts…Triple H? That’s a wrestler, right?]
It’s better-fitted than the other one, she looks pretty, and she is with the man who she is TRULY MEANT TO BE WITH WHICH IS RIKER.
But then Wyatt wanders in and is like “oh hey guys were you having a touching moment where you talk about how you’re each others’ imzadi that I can interrupt?”
D, girl, you gotta decide:
Jawline competition: go
In my mind, it’s not even really a question, but then again, Wyatt almost certainly has fewer space STIs than Riker.
True to her duty, she decides to go through with the marriage, and gets some smoochin’ on:
Wyatt, sliding into second. First? What are the bases? Oh
Don’t worry, Wyatt’s a gentleman, and skipped a quick fondle for some HOT SHOULDER ACTION:
Ooh, baby, your scapula feels so good
Look at all those braids!! I hope D went to the space spa to have those done for her by a robot.
Meanwhile, on the bridge, the Haven people are concerned that this ship full of sick people is approaching their planet, and ask Picard to shoot the ship, which of course he can’t do, because of MORALS. Riker is no help at all, and can barely sit like a first officer:
Is he hung over or just not paying attention? Discuss
So finally, the mystery ship, which is full of Tarellians, by the by, makes contact with the Enterprise, and lookie here:
I couldn’t find a shirt so I just used a valance
Is this a Van Halen video? Because that sure looks like Wyatt’s dream gal! And she is wearing a delightful boob curtain that threatens to expose everything with a tiny gust of wind. Her dad, meanwhile:
My daughter got all the hair in the family
Well, dad just wants you to know that tickets for the gun show are on sale now.
Now, this episode has been pretty much terrible in every aspect: the plot is boring, there are some really painful scenes of exclusively expository material, and a lot of it really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. But I’m pretty sure the end of this script was written in seven minutes as the writers were delivering the script to the actors and they just didn’t have time to fix it. Wyatt is like “why was that girl in my dreams?” and Lwaxana is like “because thoughts and space are the same” and he is just like “oh” like that makes ANY SENSE AT ALL. Then he goes to the Tarellian ship, where someone’s been sketching HIM:
Someone who needs drawing classes, looks like
So was he in THEIR dreams? Why? Is this destiny? What does Haven have to do with any of this? Why are the Tarellians so sure that he will cure them? This is like when you get to the end of the movie and realize that the only way to get your heroes where they need to be is to have them travel “by map.” Lazy.
But the clothes continue to be delightfully bonkers:
No crop top for you, Grandma
So Wyatt goes with the Tarellians, thus solving the whole love triangle conundrum quite easily, and Lwaxana takes off (though not without first hitting on both Picard and Riker), and the status quo is resumed. And to think that the whole time, Dr. Crusher was wearing THIS:
The design of this jacket is almost as lazy as the plotting in the episode. But at least we had the Twizzler dress. We’ll always have the Twizzler dress.
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