The Emissary - 2.20
Friend of the blog Deborah: TNG’s 2.20 episode The Emissary has so many jumpsuits that you should write about but also own and wear often. Also, the introduction of Alexander’s mother. And possibly Alexander’s conception.
Anna: I love Alexander’s mother. She fine.
Deborah: She’s a fierce bitch. I enjoy that aside from the forehead ridges, she could basically walk the runway of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Kind of a Chad Michaels.
These are the kinds of email exchanges I have.
So we open on this season two episode with some of the crew playing poker:
The pokeriest of faces
Is that visor even green? That is not regulation, Data. And since the visors were worn to lessen eyestrain, Data doesn’t even need one since his eyes ARE MACHINES. Still, it’s nice to see him accessorizing.
This cold open (which goes on for a ridiculous amount of time) is in the episode exclusively for the purpose of Worf being able to say “Klingons never bluff.”
The ridges make it difficult to lie
This will become important a little later, but in the meantime, an Admiral needs to talk to everyone:
Admiral Hotdish, reporting for duty
This lady looks like she would roll up to the church potluck with something made entirely of cheeses and cream and tell you how her son was doing at Mankato, right down to that fancy mock turtleneck. I know she’s an admiral, but that hair is somehow not serious enough for me, and her touch of fancy looks ALMOST like rickrack. No wonder they switched up the admirals’ uniforms. Compare it with this lady admiral. Much better.
She is like “we are sending someone to you in a probe” which is basically a space coffin, so everyone knows this person has to get to the Enterprise REAL FAST. Here it is:
I hope you aren’t claustrophobic because I am and I am currently having an anxiety attack
So the crew opens up the little case and who is inside but:
SUP K’EHLEYR. This half-Klingon hottie is here to look fine and talk in a voice that I’m pretty sure is modeled on a parody of a sex phone worker. Oh, and also be an emissary to this Klingon ship that is full of Klingons who just woke up from suspended animation and think that the Klingons are still at war with the Federation and will attack some planets if they’re not stopped.
Anyway, Dr. Pulaski makes sure she’s okay, but I’m really only mentioning that so I can do this:
MORE LIKE PUKE-LASKI AM I RIGHT
K’Ehleyr emerges from her cocoon, clad in the first of a series of GLORIOUS JUMPSUITS:
If she didn’t have that triangle there, her breasts would be too much for anyone to handle
There is something charmingly retro about this look. The titty triangle puts it a little bit into Mork from Ork territory (p.s. HOW WAS THAT A SHOW), but it smacks of something that would be on Star Trek TOS (in a good way). The grey pattern is functional but interesting, like your grandma’s polio shoe with a racing stripe on it.
At this point, I realized I had taken, like, 50 screenshots of K’Ehleyr’s face, and she makes the best faces of anyone. A small sampling:
Oh Riker You Cad! [tosses hair]
Nuh Uh Girl
I Can See That You’re Talking to Me But I Don’t Much Care
I think you might already know about my love of a good eyebrow, and K’Ehleyr here is really working her Peter Gallagher realness here.
Okay, so girl rolls up and is like “I’m here to TCB” and Worf is like “oh shiiiiiii” because they have a past. Now, I don’t know about y’all, but when I realize my ex-whatever is going to be at a place, I do my darnedest to look bangin’ if I know I’m going to see them. For me, this usually means, you know, putting on mascara and trying not to wear something that will befuddle a straight man. For K’Ehleyr, this means WERQing the SHIT out of another jumpsuit:
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
How is she doing this? Evil magic? There is NO LOGIC that can explain how she can look SO GOOD in a spandex catsuit and LEATHER SHRUG:
That’s a motherfucking leather shrug
Also of note: gold ovals everywhere, including some sort of decorative belt that is serving 0.00 functions, and Hot Bitch Boots that match the catsuit. She also says this: “Worf, we’re alone now. You don’t have to act like a Klingon glacier, I don’t bite. Well, that’s wrong, I do bite.”
She is the best.
So she and Worf have a fight because of their differing value systems (or something), and she storms back to her quarters:
I’m going to change jumpsuits…come get me in 3 hours
I only included this shot because her thighs look incredible, and you can see how high those boots are.
Of course, she’s half-Klingon, so she has a crazy temper, which causes this:
Her hand is not even hurt because she is THE BEST
Deanna, unlikely voice of reason, is like “hey, why don’t you go do an exercise program on the Holodeck instead of destroying your quarters?” So off K’Ehleyr goes in YET ANOTHER DELIGHTFUL ENSEMBLE:
I think Tina Turner wore this to my birthday party
This one is my favorite, I think. It’s to do with the pink, and the asymmetry, and the shoulder pads. She is even making the back work:
Big Shoulders, Little Waist, 9pm Wednesdays on TLC
Edited to add: Reader blackswanm18 asked us: I wonder, where did K’Ehleyr get all those fabulous suits? There was no space in the probe to carry them. Maybe the Enterprise has an entire wardrobe of all Kinglons Fashion? What do you think?
My thoughts on this - and on most of the clothes on the Enterprise - is that the replicators can make them, so as long as you can program the replicator to do what you want, the sky’s the limit in terms of clothes. This does not explain why Lwaxana Troi travels with a comically large suitcase.
She selects a program, Worf’s calisthenics:
The fifth one down is an exercise program called “Carnival Celebration - Rio de Janeiro, Earth.” I hope it involves doing various tasks in a full showgirl outfit.
Time to blow off some steam with a big hand weapon:
Literally, a hand weapon
Once again, the pattern on that jumpsuit. Look at it. REVEL IN IT. Is it camouflage for the aforementioned Carnival Celebration? Is it a bubblegum spiderweb? It could be so many things.
Although Worf apparently programmed this scene, he had some help from He-Man:
I lost my purple hood earlier and I feel so naked without it
K’Ehleyr has mad fighting skillz, so she defeats the bad guys easily as Worf secretly looks on:
This face means both “impressed” and “farting”
More amazing faces are made:
Shoulders can double as floor mats on wet days
Then, because they are so passionate, they get into a fight amongst themselves:
The best kind of fighting. And sexing?
Anyway, there is a lot of hand-smelling (seriously), and actual blood is spilt:
Too sexy! I mean fighty! I mean…I don’t know what I mean, just kiss me
So then they bone down in the holodeck. I hope Skeletor wasn’t still there. That guy is into some weird shit.
Afterwards, Worf is like “are we gonna get married now?” and K’Ehlyr is like “HA HA you wish” and there is talk of honor, etc. Poor Worf. Even his own babymama shuts him down.
Back to the “plot” (such as it is) - the Klingon ship guys are all up in the Enterprise’s biz, and they are like “we are attacking you now!!”
I thought that middle guy was a guy from Lost, but he’s not
Here is a nice detail: these Klingons are wearing things that are most definitely of a different style than the Klingons we know. They look like they’ve recommissioned some catcher’s equipment and spray-painted it Intimidating Grey, whereas the modern Klingons:
It took them 20 minutes to get their legs spread correctly
…look like they went nuts at Cabela’s and also a lazer tag emporium.
The absolute best part of Worf’s outfit here is his CAPE VEST:
Pay no attention to the Klingon behind the curtain
Not only is it full and luxurious, it also has an attached backpack:
For, you know, trail mix or whatever
You might be wondering WHY the Klingons are sitting in the captain’s chairs here:
Seriously though what are those poses
Remember earlier when Worf said Klingons never bluff? GUESS WHAT THEY ARE DOING HERE!!! Yes, bluffing. Worf says he’s the captain of the Enterprise and reprimands the other ship for being dumbasses, threatens to blow them up, but doesn’t.
Anyway, everything turns out fine, except that Worf wants to marry K’Ehleyr, and she cannot be contained by stupid things like tradition! Except she kind of loves him too, and they share a nice moment as she is about to transport away:
Of course, we all know that this little encounter results in a 3/4 Klingon baby named Alexander who comes to live on the Enterprise down the line. But for now, he’s just a Klingon, standing in front of a half-human, half-Klingon, asking her to love him. And bite him.
Oh, and this has nothing do to with anything but there are two crew members in this episode that were on staple 90s sitcoms:
Let’s take each others’ hand as we jump into the final frontier
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