Fashion It So

The Loss - 4.10

We were alerted to this episode by friend of the blog @jnd3001, who noted that it was well-written, but “wins worst hair hands down.” And wouldn’t you know it, it opens with a scene involving this lady:

I’m not a cocker spaniel, I just play one on TV

It’s not that her hair is bad, necessarily, though it really does make her look like a human version of Lady from Lady and the Tramp. (Side note: who would play the tramp? My first thought was Russell Brand, but he’s not nearly charming enough.) It’s that it’s SO TOTALLY DATED. You know how the 90s are back in fashion now? I am totally into this trend, because I love floral leggings and colored jeans, but if the 90s hair trends come back, I will punch someone. I mean.

Lady here is in the middle of a therapy sesh with our girl Deanna, who is serving uninterested counselor realness with some crossed arms:



I’m not even PRETENDING to take notes

Deanna – and everyone else in the ep – are pretty much wearing what they always wear. Uniforms, and later a Guinan-hat. Nothing major to report. The hair, however, is truly quite bad across the board. We’ve got Ensign Swedish Maidservant at the helm:

I have brought you many different herrings

You keep furrowing that brow, girl, trying to figure out why the stylists made you look like you’re in a community theater production of A Doll’s House.

Elsewhere on the bridge, we have a look that can best be described as a Pile O Hair:

Basically Kid ‘n Play, but a lady version

Like Lady, it’s not that it’s bad, really, and we never see her from another angle so maybe it’s incredibly flattering around the face, but this smacks heavily of the year the show was made. Stick her in some overalls with only one strap buckled, a silk blouse, and a jacket with Taz dressed as a Chicago Bull and you got you a stew goin’. A 90s fashion stew, that is.

Down in Engineering, another ensign is battling the hairstyle choices thrust upon her:



Geordi, do I have bangs? I CAN’T TELL

She is the Scottish terrier to Lady’s cocker spaniel. Go bury a bone, gurl.

Troi’s hair isn’t so great either:



Replicator: Oil, v05, hot

On a scale of 1 to Texas pageant queen, it’s smack-dab where Troi normally falls, but it looks a little dry, and also like she ran a brush through it while it was wet, which I understand from my curly-haired friends is a TERRIBLE idea. Plus she’s got a headband made of Christmas lights. It’s a hair-fire waiting to happen.

Poor Troi is in this agonized pose because she’s got a bad headache. For some reason, I took about 50 screenshots of her. I think it’s because she is ACTINGGGGG:

She learned this skill from an Excedrin commercial shoot

And this one from a Tylenol Max commercial

And this from a Midol ad

The plot, in a nutshell, is that Troi loses her empathic powers and she is like “I’M DISABLED” and everyone else is like “uh, it’s not a big deal” and she is like “YES IT IS” and then she flips a table and tears her shirt off.

But back to the hair for a second. The weird thing is that it’s not just our featured players who have bad hair. Even regulars, whose hair normally looks just fine, have somehow been affected by the bad hair curse:



Still not as bad as Soul Glo Geordi

Geordi’s hair is giving me half Mold-a-Rama wax figurine, half fondant cake covering. It just looks real stiff and shiny.

Even Data – whose hair is as synthetic as any Kardashian’s – has some sort of issue occurring:



Brent Spiner IS Gary Oldman IN The Fifth Element 2: The Sixth Element

Whereas normally we get a nice, clean sheen to Data’s hair, it’s a little floppy here, like they were about to give him a haircut and got distracted by coating Levar Burton’s head with a layer of glycerine.

Fortunately, this is a fourth season episode, so we do have a saving grace in the hair department:

My hair ain’t even need to be symmetrical to rock your world

Bev, you glorious creature. How you can take the same basic shape as Lady – bangs, lots of volume, triangular outline – and turn it into a thing of beauty instead of doggishness is magical. I think it’s that big-ass curl on the left.

Deanna is feeling useless because she can’t empath out what’s wrong with the 2-dimensional beings surrounding/threatening the Enterprise since she lost her empathic-ness (sure) and everyone else is like “girl, it’s fine but like, we have to save the ship” and her freaking the fuck out, and then Guinan giving her counsel:



Guinan’s band definitely has a dragon and/or unicorn on their album cover

Crushed velvet is another super-duper 90s thing that I will NOT be partaking in when it inevitably comes back around on the fashion guitar, but but I have to give props to the constructors of this costume for making this dress look admirably “future-y.” It still looks a little like she’s going to a ren faire, but in a good way? 

Guinan was also, obviously, spared the Hair Curse due to her hat:



Do you think she ever carries drinks on her hat because I would

In the end, of course, all is returned to normal and D-style is happily able to read everyone’s emotions again:



Once again, I am so high right now

And obviously, there is one person who never needs to fear a Hair Curse of any kind:



PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMP