Disaster - 5.5
If you’re not already enjoying the live-tweets of @sara_clarke as she makes her way through all of TNG, hurry up! She’s almost done! She just did Gambit last night and, oh, it was lovely.
She did this episode a little while ago and pointed our attention to it, at which I made a note in our spreadsheet that she’d recommended it and then just wrote “CRAZYTOWN.” When I told her I was watching it, she responded, “Oh, is it the one where there is some kind of disaster, they remove Data’s head, and Keiko gives birth?”
Yes, Sara. Yes it is.
The fashion is minimal in this one, though we do get some nice Keiko maternity wear and some kid clothes. We start in Ten-Forward, where preggo Keiko is rocking a chiffon curtain over an olive green wetsuit:
My two favorite things to watch are The Golden Girls and Point Break
I actually really love the chiffon thing, which has a fun tropical print and braided self-belt. O’Brien loves it so much he has to touch it:
Pregnancy is bullshit, hundreds of years in the future I want a robot surrogate
We’ll see a little more of her outfit down the road, but for now all you need to know is that Riker wants them to name their baby William, because he’s an egomaniac.
Meanwhile, in cargo bay, Bev is trying to convince Geordi to do something by having the world’s greatest blowout:
Pat yo weave
That’s a wig, you guys. No one’s hair naturally looks like that except a cocker spaniel’s. Geordi sings a few bars of “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General,” which, as we all know, is the same as the Pirate King tune. It’s nice to know that Gilbert and Sullivan live on into the future.
And over on the bridge, Picard is being presented with some children. His feelings on that are reflected in his face:
How small and strange you are
He’s rocking the suede jacket/grey top combo we saw in Darmok, since children are just as frightening to him as that weird creature he and that dude fight. And who are these little angels? We have Marissa, who is shy:
Actually I just wanted you to see what a good job I did on my ponytail
Marissa is wearing the sartorial equivalent of the couch one might find in a baby girl’s nursery circa 1960: it’s tooth-achingly pink, made of some sort of nubbly upholstery fabric, and trimmed with ivory. IVORY. SICK. It’s the couch Trudy Campbell might have put in Tammy’s room, but in jumpsuit form.
Then we have Jay Gordon:
This kid is super into science, and sort of looks like a turtle. Wearing a jumpsuit that evokes a turtle’s shell is not doing you any favors, little buddy.
And last but not least, we have Patterson:
Baby Vinnie Delpino?
Patterson is SO PRESH in this burgundy mock turtle that I can’t even be mad at him. He does also look like he is wearing a sofa, though unlike Marissa’s, this sofa is in your analyst’s office, not a baby’s room. This is the kind of brocade that makes you feel feelings. Plus he has the best line:
“I planted radishes in a special dirt and they came up all weird!!!”
Ronald D. Moore, whose name you may recognize, wrote the teleplay for this episode. THANK YOU, MR. MOORE, FOR THAT RADISH LINE.
It should come as no surprise that all these young’ns are clad in jumpsuits:
No but seriously kids pee themselves ALL the TIME
Marissa is embarrassed because of the strange waistline on her suit that makes her look all out of proportion. Jay Gordon is ready for orders from the captain. Patterson is still thinking about radishes.
Not a minute after JLP and the kiddos get in the turbolift, the ship is rocked by some sort of DISASTER:
Patterson is STILL thinking about radishes
I am pretty sure Marissa is wearing silver Uggs. Bleh. Picard still makes her First Officer of the Turbolift, though, since she’s the oldest, and Jay Gordon is Second Officer, and Patterson is Executive Officer in Charge of Radishes.
From this point forward, everyone basically has their own storyline of “shit is getting real” and how they deal with that. Riker and Data crawl around to try to get to Engineering. Picard and the kids are in the turbolift. Worf and Keiko are in Ten-Forward trying to help the wounded. Troi, Ro, and O’Brien are on the bridge and TROI is in charge of the ship because the next highest ranking officer, Lieutenant Monroe, got EXPLODED:
We got a badass here
Monroe’s brow game is tiiiiiiiiiiiiight but those bangs are a little wispy, girl. Also her face is kind of old-fashioned? She’s like the opposite of Emma Stone. Like, can you imagine Emma Stone in a period piece? In a bonnet or some shit? Gangster Squad, fine, but what about, like, pioneer Emma Stone? It would just be weird. Anyway, this woman belongs in a bonnet due to her (lovely) old-timey face.
JLP and the kiddos are still in the turbolift:
Nice job, whoever thought of this shot
From this vantage point we can see that Marissa is wearing not Uggs, but boots more along the lines of something featured in Desperately Seeking Susan. I’M ON BOARD, MARISSA. Patterson has only his thoughts of radishes to cling to.
Meanwhile, on the bridge. Ro is Ro-ing about, being super intense about DECISIONS and LEADERSHIP:
When one’s brow is permanently furrowed, one becomes more intense
Ro’s hair means business, you guys. That shit is TEASED and not going ANYWHERE.
She and Troi are at odds, deciding what needs to be done:
I can also furrow my brow…sort of
Troi’s Disaster Makeup looks super-good.
Over in the cargo bay, Bev and Geordi are trying to contain a plasma fire AND make sure some drums of fuel don’t explode. This shot gives you a great look at the construction of the uniforms:
Also a great look at Levar Burton’s teeth
Banded bottoms. The 90s, man.
Meanwhile, Riker and Data are stuck in a crawlspace because there is a coolant leak behind them and an electric arc in front of them. Data suggests that he could interrupt the arc himself, to which Riker responds “Can your body handle that much current?” Riker later used this line on ladies.
It turns out that, yes, Data’s body can handle it:
My body’s too androidlicious for ya babe
His head, however, cannot, so Riker takes that off and brings it with him:
Just the tip
Over in Ten-Forward, Keiko is working it out in that chiffon/wetsuit confection, which we now get to see all of:
A collaboration between Chico’s and Speedo
But what’s this? Is it the international symbol for “Pregnant Lady Going Into Labor?”
Either that or “I’m gonna barf”
Oh jeez, baby O’Brien! Why you gotta be born during a disaster?!
There were disco medical blankets in Ten-Forward, thankfully.
While all this is happening, JLP and the kids are climbing up the turbolift shaft:
Marissa’s boots are pretty dirty-looking. Do clothes GET dirty in the future? Do you have to wash them? Don’t they just magically-scientifically repel stains? Can’t you just have the replicator make more? I guess the “distressed” look is still en vogue in the future.
Geordi and Bev decide to deal with the plasma fire by removing all the oxygen from the cargo bay. How? BY OPENING A DOOR TO SPACE:
When I was watching this, I wondered on Twitter whether this was safe, and APPARENTLY it is, but this isn’t the way to do it. I guess if you hold your breath (which they are doing), you get a punctured lung. They’re fine, though, and are not sucked into the endless void, because they hung on real tight to a ladder. Sure.
Over in Ten-Forward, Worf is like:
I don’t know nothin’ about birthin’ no babies
And Keiko is like:
I AM GOING TO KILL MILES
And the baby is like:
MY HEAD IS PERFECTLY ROUND LOL
And then they are both like:
So that’s nice. The best part of this storyline is when Worf says “You are now dilated to ten centimeters. You may now give birth.” OH WORF.
The disaster is eventually solved since Troi makes a good decision, and Ro is like “good job, you were right,” and Troi is like “I could just as easily have been wrong” in a really flippant way considering that if she was wrong, EVERYONE WOULD BE DEAD. But no one’s dead, except Lt. Monroe and some other randos who died earlier.
The kids are really impressed with Captain Picard, which, duh, so they make him a plaque:
Would we call that a plaque?
Marissa is sticking with pink, but in a much nicer raspberry shade and a fabric that looks like it belongs on a person and not furniture. She does really like that confusing crop top length, though. Hopefully she grows out of that. Patterson has the same outfit he had before, but inversed, and Jay Gordon looks even more turtle-like with his head sticking out from behind the “plaque”:
Guys, I don’t want to sugarcoat this: your plaque sucks
I refuse to believe these kids don’t have access to Photoshop or something that can help them design a better sign. Or maybe they DID use Photoshop and all that was available was the font used in Calvin and Hobbes.
The Picard goes to his ready room and says “Number One, you have the bridge,” to which both Riker and Marissa respond. Marissa makes the best face:
Next week on Leave It to Marissa: Marissa gets into WACKY HIJINKS
Jay Gordon is wearing his Spider-Man Collection jumpsuit.
And Picard winks:
And it’s basically the cutest.
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