Fashion It So

11001001 - 1.15

Binary! I’m sure you all know that 11001001 in binary translates to 201 in our own decimal system, which means…approximately nothing significant. Anyway, in this season one episode, which both Shalon (via email) and wonderlandjunkets (via tumblr) suggested to us, we have a really nice variety of fashions from all over the map. The episode starts with the Enterprise docking at a starbase and being boarded by some maintenance people in Jeffries tube suits:

Butts lol

I suppose we’ve seen them outside a Jeffries tube situation enough to know that they’re just “maintenance/janitorial” suits but I’ll always think of them that way.

Some guy who is trying SO HARD to be Evil Picard comes in, looking goateeish:

His brow game is tight though

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Lonely Among Us - 1.7

Our buddy jurijuri gave us a tip to check out this first season episode, which involves a couple of warring alien life forms that are DECIDEDLY first-season-y, which means: THEY LOOK NUTS. Just mentally prep yourself for that. We start off in the transporter room, where the crew is dressed to the nines, or at least to the sevens:

 Dat ass

Is it me, or is Lt. Yar packing some extremely welcome junk in the trunk here? She looks like she’s been doing some butt-blasters, is all. She, Riker, and Picard are all in fancy uniforms to welcome the honored guests:

 Gold and mustard? WHO APPROVED THIS

The gold and burgundy is nice, almost reminiscent of the San Francisco 49ers, or a real fancy ketchup bottle. But gold and mustard? Nonononononono cat. Also, I don’t know what’s going on with Will’s collar, but it kind of looks like he missed a button.

Our first alien culture are the Selay:

 When I said “cobra commander” I meant…never mind

I want to give it up for Michael Westmore and his crew for the crazypants work they did on these guys’ faces. There was some SCULPTING and some MOLDING and some APPLICATION that went into this (but if you’ve been watching Face Off on SyFy, you know that already). But like…these look bananas. They look like a snake and a scary guy I vaguely remember from The Last Starfighter and Burn Gorman all had a baby, somehow.

The Snake People are, however, well-dressed. Look at those rich colors and prints!

The Arthur Collection by Bea for Bea Arthur

Okay, they all sort of look like elderly women attending an awards show, like a Maggie Smith or a Judi Dench (but not a Helen Mirren because DAMN HAVE YOU SEEN HER). But the draping is really beautiful and also you could eat like a whole chicken and no one could see the bloat.  

But this is just ONE of the alien cultures. Here’s a rep from the other one:

Falcor and the Great Mouse Detective had a baby

Why does this guy make me think of a karate-teaching mouse? He’s like a Disney villain made real. And while I thought the eyebrow braids one of those dwarves in The Hobbit wore were bold, these are eyebrow sideburns?! This is serious Brow Game here, people. 

We never get a real good look at his outfit, but:

For the last time, I’m not Santa Claus and a vole mixed together

I think they trimmed their robes with their OWN FUR. Like those Victorian ladies who wore hair jewelry. I guess it’s not that icky unless they’re actually wearing the pelts of their ancestors. I have a dress that belonged to my grandmother in the 40s, but I sure don’t want her skin. Sorry, that got real gross.

So the snake people and the karate mice both want to join the Federation, but they hate each other. The Enterprise is taking them to a neutral planet where they can settle their differences that is literally named Parliament. But here’s the thing: they kind of just…aren’t in the rest of the episode very much? Most of the rest of what happens involves a non-corporeal life form that gets into the ship and starts taking people over. First, it’s Worf:

There has to be an award for this sort of facial expression commitment

Worf gets all weird, and goes all crazy and ends up in sickbay with Bev, who is wearing what I can only describe as a head bra:

I’d buy a big prosthetic forehead and wear it on my real head

Unfortunately for her, the non-corporeal life form takes this opportunity to hop a ride on Bev’s corpus:

Lightning crashes, an old Klingon cries

So now Bev and her stupid too-dark Season 1 hair have to go do the bidding of the non-corporeal being. But first, let’s stop by the Crusher quarters and see what Wesley’s up to:

Those sweaters pulled all the bitches

Wesley is actually wearing the same sweater he wore in the previous episode, Where No One Has Gone Before. It’s such a great look, so of course. Of COURSE he would rock this ruffled cantaloupe monstrosity again. Great job, Wes, really a-number-one.

The non-corporeal being uses Bev to get into the ship’s computer, after which she relaxes in her Slanket:

Slanket > Snuggie

I kind of like Bev in raspberry. But not in microfleece. This looks like a ballgown made by North Face.

Picard now knows something weird is going on and is working with an ensign with incredible Cher-in-Moonstruck hair to try to solve the issue:

Snap out of it

The non-corporeal being, meanwhile, has gotten into yet another crew member, Mr. Singh:

This non-corporeal being is kind of a slut #getitgurl

Poor Mr. Singh is not as lucky as the other crew members and totally dies! 

Now that a crew member has perished, it’s time to do some detecting:

That’s a bubble pipe

There is this thing in the first season where Data is sort of like the weird kid you knew in middle school who maybe didn’t understand social interactions so well, and wore a cape or mismatched socks or something else that was too fashion-forward for your 12-year-old mind to process, and you were never really sure how to interact with him. The other crew members aren’t mean, exactly, but they laugh at him kind of a lot.

Will: plays trombone in jazz band, once got suspended for hitting on a substitute teacher. Yar: started the school’s environmental club, regrets that haircut

Bev: co-captain of science team, has every color of jeans. Troi: sleepovers at her house have MAD SNAXXXX

Finally, the non-corporeal being gets what it wants: PICARD.

There is more leadership in that hand than in most men’s arms, or bodies

Now that Picard’s under the influence, so to speak, he just chills out in cool poses:

Gangsta lean

Eventually the non-corporeal being shocks everyone on the ship…

…and beams itself, plus Picard, into a crazy purple cloud:

Patrick Stewart’s special skills include “vaporisation”

I actually just wanted to include that shot because I’m using the Blu-Ray screencaps from trekcore.com and they look HELLA GOOD.

Eventually, Picard’s energy makes it back into the ship’s computer and this happens:

Actual dialogue: “P…for Picard!!”

I’m not sure why he couldn’t just go to a console where he could spell whole sentences and be like “it’s me, I’ma transport back to the ship, meet you in the transporter room,” but this is sufficient and he is safely returned. Unfortunately one of the karate mice is trying to cook one of the snake people, but he just chuckles and is like “Will, you handle this.”

Also earlier this happened:

Listen, if there’s anyone on this ship who might be into a glow lasso, it’s Riker

The Last Outpost - 1.05

Oh, season one! Sometimes when I think of these early episodes, I feel like the writer’s room must have been like this:

Because, LBR, any show’s first episodes usually has some traces of “we don’t know what we’re doing yet!” That’s fine: figure yo shit out, TNG. And they did. And these episodes still exist today for our amusement. 

The episode is a lot of uniforms throughout, but let’s do a quick look around.

It’s gonna be okay, Worf.

This is a lot of touching for a Commander, isn’t it? Anyway, this is before they figured out that Worf would actually punch someone for doing this.

How’s Deanna looking?

Has anyone seen my vagina?

In all fairness, I like this outfit on her, though she needs to find some way to keep the lap area from getting wrinkled. The colors work though. I guess they had to abandon this outfit though because her boobs don’t stand out as much.

How you doing, captain?

PRETTY GOOD.

Man, though, those zippers in the front didn’t do no favors for nobody. True, I have no idea how they would have gotten in or out of their zippers-in-the-back uniforms, but THAT’S A SEASON THREE PROBLEM. I love this expression on JLP’s face. This is basically what’s going on:

Anyway, the mission is to get to know the Ferengi, who at this point in Star Trek mythology are mysterious and intimidating. Here’s the first look we get:

Man, I hope he doesn’t end up regretting that forehead-lobe tattoo.

So, the major fashion tenets of the Ferengi so far appear to be a stole made out of lemur fur and little dangly things coming from the back of their head. I’m intrigued.

For some reason, who ever was the Director of Photography on this episode thought it would be a lot of fun to do a lot of really crazy, ’70s-esque foreground/background shots. These next two pics are the entire screen during Picard’s conversation with the Ferengi:

Zoom out, dammit, I feel like I’m about to fall into one of his pores. (Actually, what am I saying, he has perfect skin).

There are a lot of shenanigans going on, of course—mysterious forcefield trapping both the humans and the Ferengi, sapping them of all their power—but more important than the plot shenanigans are the side-bits, amirite? We cut away to the senior officers going to have a conference, but who’s in the conference room???

CUTEST VULCAN EVER. (Sorry, Quinto.)

But OMG kids in the conference room?! Picard’s not gonna like that. Wouldn’t it be crazy if this was just all part of some insane bit? Also… why are these children in muscle-tees? Wait, let’s see if we can get another angle.

Riker’s excusatory quote here is literally “Boys will be boys.” Sigh. Isn’t this, like, a military vessel? Whatever.

Let’s talk about the fact that “muscle-tee-onesies” are now a thing. For children. At least they come in both block colors and sassy patterns… I feel like the patterning on the farther one might have been inspired by the background scene design of Whitney Houston’s “How Will I Know?”. 

Anyway, the bit is that THOSE KIDS HAVE LEFT A TOY IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM and Data picks it up. So take a look as Data—a highly advanced android—gets befuddled by a child’s toy. (Please also note the weird 3D display that they use here and that NEVER GETS USED AGAIN.)

That’s our Data! Coming this fall to UPN.

Anyway, the necessary action must be an away team. Cut to:

Leftover set from the Dark Crystal.

It was the early nineties (note from Anna: Charlie. This is Season One. That means it was the late eighties. Even worse), so we can’t really blame them for being a little weak in the sets department, and if nothing else, they were REALLY TRYING on this one. But yeah.

Something goes wrong with the transporter and Riker can’t find anyone at first, so he goes out onto this cliff and yells:

ANYBODY???

But what it looks like is this:

RIKER: THE MUSICAL. Big emotional ballad: “One is the Lonliest Number (One)”. 

Then the Ferengi show up and we get a better look at their clothes.

I have to believe that a lot of this was inspired by “CATS”

Can we get a better angle?

“Do we have any fabric that will match these rocks, exactly? Yes? Wonderful.”

Okay, so let me get this straight: they wear some sort of animal skin, shimmery, baggy sleeves, and prefer gray/beige colors? I feel like they’re more like Upper Class Upper East Side grandmas than savvy space-traders. Also, they use whips as weapons. GO FIGURE.

…Quark?

That’s right, folks—Armin Shimerman was one of the very first Ferengi! Well done sir, well done. Sparkly sleeve notwithstanding. Is that a zipper down the middle of his fur toga?

So, we’ve been on this planet for, like, a while, with just mountains and crystals and scraggly trees, and then they hear a noise and everyone turns and THERE’S A BRIDGE that wasn’t there a second ago. Also a light show.

Is that Ghostwriter? (WHERE MY PBS HOMIES AT?)

Let’s hope it’s not a giant face that’s just going to tal—

Jor-El? (WHERE MY SUPERMAN HOMIES AT?)

In all honesty, I know almost nothing about Superman. I sort of think that little people talking to mysterious giant heads has been done since Wizard of Oz, but who am I to judge. Let’s hope he has a more interesting physical form.

Hefty? (WHERE MY GARBAGE BAG HOMIES AT?)

But seriously, what is he wearing? I mean, I like that spear, but it doesn’t seem to match the tattered wizard garb. It’s like Gandalf the Grey holding Gandalf the White’s staff, AMIRITE? Let’s get a closer look.

Those splatter-paint highlights make me think this is something Diesel might have designed in the early nineties. “Trashbag-chic.” $4,000.

It’s like something halfway between a bag lady and a dementor, which, like, weren’t that far apart to begin with. 

The trim on the hood seems a little superfluous, especially since the effect they’re going for seems to be “unkempt ancient toolbooth operator.” But I digress. What’s going on under that hood?

OH MY GOD IT’S THE REANIMATED REMAINS OF BEA ARTHUR!

Looks like you’ve said one stupid thing too many, Rose. CUZ DOROTHY IS BACK AND SHE IS PISSED.

I’m glad they’ve got a little more going on color-wise on that… outfit seems like too strong a word. Comprehensive cloak? Sure let’s go with that.

Now, all I can think of is Amanda Lepore’s “I don’t know much about clothes, but my hair looks fierce.”

Anyway, the episode takes a predictable turn from here. This dude is an ancient security system left by this long dead empire, and the Ferengi try to convince him that the Enterprise officers are the bad guys. Apparently the direction to make this like “CATS” continues through this plot point since, as they talk, they keep doing this:

GA-GA OH-LA-LA

I’m ready for someone to do their pop culture dissertation connecting all of Gaga’s moves to TNG episodes. MAKE IT HAPPEN, UNIVERSE.

So the dude gives Riker a test… and… sort of asks him a question? And the answer is Fear? It didn’t make a whole lot of sense. 

Meanwhile, up on the Enterprise, the power is almost out, and so everyone is slowly freezing to death. As in many episodes, of course, the best fashion is drive-by fashion, and while Picard is trying to buck up the crew, we get this shot:

WHAT IS THAT BRAID?!

It’s all golden and shiny and beautiful! I want to see more of it! Also, Picard, never smile at anyone when their in a life-or-death situation—it’s not reassuring, just foreboding. Back to that braid.

GOLDEN BRAID.

So I guess she did small braids on, like, half of her head and then used one clump of small braids to weave into the large braid? I don’t understand what is happening, but I like it. I wonder if this is someone in the hair department with too much time on their hands, or if this extra, like, showed up with this amazing hairdo and they were just like “IT WORKS.”

Anyway, so, shocker, Riker passes the test or whatever and he and living-dead Bea Arthur are like best buds, talking about Sun-Tzu and shit. And then Riker’s like, “can you free our ship?”

I feel like Ve Neill would have a thing or two to say about the paint job on this guy.

I don’t know where it came from, but that green… scarf? neckpiece? hood? looks all right. How you doing, rest of the away team?

Tasha: you look fierce. Worf: too much volumizer. 

Back up on the Enterprise, apparently everyone passed out, including this cutie right at his workstation.

That guy in back apparently passed out standing up?

Anyway, that ensign looks a little young. Are you recruiting in middle schools these days, Starfleet?

So everything turned out all right in the end. Unless… is there a bit from earlier in the episode that’s going to make a hilarious final appearance?

WOMP-WOMP.

Haven - 1.11

From a chat dated 12/27/11:

Charlie: so that episode that is in your TNG zine, Haven, i was gonna do that one, but then i saw it’s the first Luxwana ep, and i didn’t know if you, like, wanted it
Anna: oooOOOOooohhhh
Charlie: since you and luxwana have a thing together
Anna: you can do it if you want 
but spell her name right 
THAT’S ALL I’M SAYING
Charlie: i mean 
when i write the thing 
i’ll look up the 
ugh
Anna: hahahaha
Charlie: you haven’t done this one, right?  
it’s Deanna’s arranged marriage  
Anna: I am looking at the wiki page for it 
and I would remember that rick springfield hair
Charlie: HAHA 
i mean 
you’re already doing it 
those portraits look like they were done by a Chinese man on fisherman’s wharf
Anna: “This is the one and only time that Homn speaks.” 
!!!!!! 
ok yes I want to do it 
I mean we’re both already doing it

So, as you can see, Charlie relinquished this sort of terrible first-season episode - intensely campy, with one scene that is one of the most awful examples of clunky exposition I’ve ever seen on TNG or anywhere, but all redeemed by the fashions of Lwaxana Troi, Daughter of the Fifth House, Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx, Heir to the Holy Rings of Betazed. I fucking love that bitch.

In any event, we have to start where plenty of things start: in Riker’s quarters.

Fuck-me eyes are key to playing this kind of harp

Or I suppose really, more things end in his quarters than start there. These ladies, clad in some nicely coordinating dresses that are perhaps meant to evoke futuristic angels but to me evoke nothing so much as the opening number from Sister Act (the movie, and I’m kind of pissed I even have to specify that). Except these ladies don’t have glorious knockers like Deloris Van Cartier’s backup singers, and also how wonderfully 80s is their hair? I think the blonde used some sort of proto-Bump-It made of wire and felt.

So Riker is sitting there, enjoying his private fuck-harp concert:

Riker is into some weird shit, man

True or false:
- Riker has gotten blown in this chair
- Riker actually looks like this when he is getting blown
- Harp fetishes are more common than you think

I take it back; this is his getting-blown face

But then the goddamn captain needs him in the transporter room so he has to go there. Ugh. It’s like he’s the boss or something. Riker gives us a hearty teen-girl eyeroll:

Okay, maybe this is the getting-blown face? Riker gets blown a lot

So Riker hightails it to the transporter room, where Tasha Yar is talking to a silver face in a box:

At least it’s not carbonite

This is the thing about this show, and especially the first season: they think they can just do literally ANYTHING and then be like “LOLLLLL IT’S SPACE” while ignoring the fact that this facebox looks ridiculous:

I least I got my SAG card

Actually, the actor playing the Betazoid Gift Box would go on to play a much more well-known character in the Star Trek universe - click the link to see the Memory Alpha page for the surprise!

Aaaaaanyway, the reason there is a Betazoid Gift Box at all is that it turns out that Troi was betrothed to some dude back when they were both children, and it’s time to make good on that proposal. Deanna is doing her very best not to look alluring by wearing this jumpsuit that appears to be made of either very stiff denim of very flimsy cardboard:

Somehow, still alluring

It’s marginally better than the one in episode 6 of this season, if only for the fact that it has a pink fake belt instead of a boring silver one. Deanna has a closet full of this jumpsuit in every color combination, you’ll come to see, which I can’t fault her for, since I do that with dresses. It’s called “knowing your look.” That said, none of my dresses have a giant vagina arrow, so I think I still win this one, D.

So the Gift Box is like “you have to marry this dude” and D is like “oh shit” and Riker is like “oh shiiiiiit” and they go tell Picard, and Deanna continues to wear the jumpsuit, but we all know that something better is on the way:

I AM MAJEL-LY EXCITED

The vagina arrow looks more salmon than fuchsia here. Probably best not to evoke thoughts of fish there, D.

So she tells JLP what the deal is and he is like “ok bye” while Riker stares off into the middle distance to assuage his heartbreak:

I was thinking about Cheetos

Where is the egress on that jumpsuit? Does the butt arrow zip off? Is it made of beef jerky? I have so many questions.

Just let me lean and sulk, okay

I think I see a back zip there on Deanna’s outfit, but more notable in this little scene: she calls Riker “Bill.” I actually have a friend from high school named Will who, when we were kids, went by Bill, and thinking about calling him Bill now is, like, really weird. This is just to say: Wills are totally hotter than Bills, so I like that they transitioned to that nickname later. I mean, think about Will Pullman. Doesn’t he sound hot?!

Okay, so I’m sorry it took kind of a while to get to the real fashions, but we are all going to be rewarded for our patience when Deanna’s betrothed and his parents roll in:

Today’s episode is sponsored by grey. Yes, just the color

We have the betrothed and his dad, both in pretty interesting jackets in fairly traditional suiting fabrics:

I have the need…the need for tweed

I don’t know what’s up with that belly panel that pop’s got going on, but I am seriously into those shoulder patches. And it’s a bold pattern he’s rocking, but I’m sure there’s some distinguished, slightly gay British historian wearing a suit in a similar pattern right now.

Wyatt - another hot name - is rocking what looks like a wool blend of some kind with a giant triangle on his front. Do you think that’s slimming, Wyatt? You are wrong.

Je Suis Rick Springfield

Aw, Wyatt. Your hair.

But the best part of these new arrivals is Wyatt’s mom:

HAT THREAT LEVEL: SEVERE

Oh, yes, this is a good hat. This is some Dowager Countess hat realness right here. If this lady is Violet, I guess that makes Wyatt Lord Grantham, and Deanna is Cora? They both have that weird affected mid-Atlantic accent, so it even kind of works.

I can’t tell if that’s a scarf wrapped around her neck or a turtleneck or - god forbid - a mock turtleneck, but whatever it is, it’s working, and I love that bow detail. This is actually a wonderful look for a woman of this age, and!

Glove the one you’re with

Motherfucking gloves. Not just gloves, lace gloves. This is a classy bitch. Look how her gown moves:

U jealous, Helen Mirren?

But even though this woman has an outfit I think is not only interesting from a design perspective, appropriate for her and for the time period, and includes a hat that Guinan would be proud of, she cannot compete with my girl Lwaxana:

The first shot we see of her is in profile:

Stop! In the name of fashion

Okay, I don’t know how much you guys know about sleeves, but there is a kind of sleeve called the dolman sleeve (sometimes called a batwing sleeve) that typically looks like a regular sleeve at your wrist, but has a real big armhole, usually no lower than one’s waist. Lwaxana is so badass that her jacket’s armholes go ALL THE WAY TO HER ASS AND PAST IT. Her dolman sleeves are the dolmanest.

Yes, that’s a crown. Bow down to me

The dolman jacket is made of a beautiful shiny quilted fabric that would not look out of place on either an extremely luxurious bedspread OR a satin jacket worn by Queen Latifah. This is a compliment, as I love Queen Latifah. I mean, look:

I’m a genie in a bottle

Picard’s face remains approximately the same whenever he is dealing with Lwaxana, and honestly, I don’t blame him. She would be exhausting in real life. Possibly worth it to borrow her dresses, though? Speaking of which, we haven’t even gotten to the dress underneath yet!!!

“What can I do? NOT be fabulous??”

This getup smacks heavily of Lord Licorice from Candyland - the marbleized red fabric, the belt and accents seemingly made of Twizzlers, the general air of superiority. And you can’t tell in this shot, but there are mysterious shoulder cut-outs as well:

Seriously, her dress is made of candy and now I want candy

I saw this hairdo and I realized that maybe what Deanna’s questionable first-season updo was meant to evoke was some sort of Betazoid tradition, her one concession to her culture (well, half her culture) while still being an officer. The gems, the tight, thick ponytail, the sleek silhouette. Lwaxana makes it look easy.

So everyone is settled in on the ship, which is orbiting a planet called Haven, which is (according to legend) a place where people can go to be healed of their ailments. A mysterious ship is approaching and the people of Haven are understandably worried, so they have one of their elected officials contact the Enterprise:

Bea Arthur: The Ice Dancing Years

I love a) this outfit and b) that this is a politician on this planet. Illusion netting, flowing lines, just enough cling to show that she’s a humanoid lady (read: yabos), and a color seen mostly on polo shirts worn by villains in 80s teen movies. Can you imagine Newt Gingrich in this? Wait, don’t do that, you’ll have nightmares for days. Plus, her hair looks cool:

If you’re gonna muumuu, go full muumuu

It’s a sheer poncho, a garment that, by all logic, should not look good on anyone, and yet girl is pulling it off. This Kelly Osbourne motherfucker is working it. She also has a French accent for no discernible reason.

Meanwhile, Wyatt, who is not really as hot as his name would suggest, is sulking in his quarters:

YOU’RE NOT MY DAD

Those pants are killer, but he’s removed the triangle jacket to reveal:

Goddamnit, mock turtleneck

Fuck! Why?! Why do they insist on trying to make mock turtlenecks work? Just like “fetch,” IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. His hair is a little less Rick Springfield and a little more Kenny Loggins here, but he definitely needs a little volume if he’s going to make that cut work.

Deanna swings by to, you know, get to know her future husband, and notices some drawings (the aforementioned Fisherman’s Wharf artwork):

He should be taking volumizer tips from this lady

He says he’s been seeing her in his dreams, which prompts the obvious question: are all of his dreams Van Halen videos?

But they move on to the engagement party, where both Lwaxana and Mrs. Miller have changed into new gowns in the exact same colors of the gowns they were already wearing:

Plant arm is the new dolman sleeve

This looks like a crushed velvet, much more luxurious than the previous gown, and also includes an amazing neckpiece that I kind of want (and apparently, could have). (Side note: WHO WANTS TO BUY ME THIS?!?!)

Also please note the mullet/bouffant in the background.

The neckpiece again:

The gems are held together by hot glue and faith

But hold your breath, it gets better:

Baby got etc.

VERY BOLD. Her back looks dynamite, though, and I think this predates those useless-seeming sticky boob things (if you are a lady and have used these, let me know how they worked because seriously they seem completely useless), which means she’s free-boobing it. I would never be so brave.

Mrs. Miller, appropriately, still looks like she’s at a very proper garden party:

They wear WHAT at Betazoid weddings?!?!?!?!?!

I think this might actually just be the same dress from before, with the coat removed to reveal this grandma-ish floral fabric that has a bunch of knife pleats for some reason, probably because I want to stab it. I do still love that bow thing on her shoulder.

For those of you not already in the know, Betazoid weddings are a nude event. For everyone. This seems like a fairly terrible idea, what with the kind of people you’re required to invite to weddings (creepy uncles, weird cousins, coworkers), but them’s the traditions.

As for Deanna, she gets to wear something other than her normal look and she looks SO PRETTY YOU GUYS:

Eat your heart out, Kim Kardashian

This neckline is perfect for an event where your parents are: not too much cleave, but enough to display those collarbones. The fabric is a skosh southwestern-themed-restaurant-booth-upholstery-y, but the color palette is nice and it certainly looks softer than some fabrics she wears. But what, pray tell, does the bottom of this outfit look like? We’ll get to that presently. First I want to point out that the rest of the partygoers on the crew do not get to wear new outfits (sad), but in return, they GET THEIR HAIR DID:

Vidal Sassoon based an entire career off Tasha Yar’s look

Wyatt, if Tasha can get her hair this high without sticking her finger in a socket, you have no excuse for that limp mop on your head.

I also had a screenshot of Bev with a low chignon, but somehow it was lost to the mists of time. I’ll be honest: I’m pissed. I might go back and grab another one.

Also of note at this party is Mrs. Troi’s trusty valet, Mr. Homn, who provides a sedate foil to Lwaxana’s fanciness:

I can’t think of another way to express how beige is the worst

Beeeeeeiiiigggggggge. Bleh. It’s like he WANTS to blend into the wall. But this sand-colored carpet coat does fit him quite nicely, and also I did not realize that Mr. Homn has a secret backstory as an alcoholic. Incidentally, the one thing he says when he speaks is, “Thank you for the drinks.”

So the party’s fine, except for a squabble between the mothers about the whole naked wedding business, and then Riker sulks off to the holodeck, which is where we get to see the rest of Deanna’s outfit:

Saves on pattern expenses

If you thought it was anything other than THAT SAME JUMPSUIT ONLY IN A DIFFERENT COLOR, why are you even here? Obviously it is that.

With the vagina arrow and everything

The thing is, when I buy a dress in multiple colors, it’s because it looks GREAT. Deanna looks fine in this (not foine, just fine), but it’s not really her best look, you know? Straight-leg pants? Flat butt-region? We can do better.

That said, it’s not a complete tragedy:

More big old belts than [insert name of wrestler who won a bunch of those big belts…Triple H? That’s a wrestler, right?]

It’s better-fitted than the other one, she looks pretty, and she is with the man who she is TRULY MEANT TO BE WITH WHICH IS RIKER.

But then Wyatt wanders in and is like “oh hey guys were you having a touching moment where you talk about how you’re each others’ imzadi that I can interrupt?”

D, girl, you gotta decide:

Jawline competition: go

In my mind, it’s not even really a question, but then again, Wyatt almost certainly has fewer space STIs than Riker.

True to her duty, she decides to go through with the marriage, and gets some smoochin’ on:

Wyatt, sliding into second. First? What are the bases? Oh

Don’t worry, Wyatt’s a gentleman, and skipped a quick fondle for some HOT SHOULDER ACTION:

Ooh, baby, your scapula feels so good

Look at all those braids!! I hope D went to the space spa to have those done for her by a robot.

Meanwhile, on the bridge, the Haven people are concerned that this ship full of sick people is approaching their planet, and ask Picard to shoot the ship, which of course he can’t do, because of MORALS. Riker is no help at all, and can barely sit like a first officer:

Is he hung over or just not paying attention? Discuss

So finally, the mystery ship, which is full of Tarellians, by the by, makes contact with the Enterprise, and lookie here:

I couldn’t find a shirt so I just used a valance

Is this a Van Halen video? Because that sure looks like Wyatt’s dream gal! And she is wearing a delightful boob curtain that threatens to expose everything with a tiny gust of wind. Her dad, meanwhile:

My daughter got all the hair in the family

Well, dad just wants you to know that tickets for the gun show are on sale now.

Now, this episode has been pretty much terrible in every aspect: the plot is boring, there are some really painful scenes of exclusively expository material, and a lot of it really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. But I’m pretty sure the end of this script was written in seven minutes as the writers were delivering the script to the actors and they just didn’t have time to fix it. Wyatt is like “why was that girl in my dreams?” and Lwaxana is like “because thoughts and space are the same” and he is just like “oh” like that makes ANY SENSE AT ALL. Then he goes to the Tarellian ship, where someone’s been sketching HIM:

Someone who needs drawing classes, looks like

So was he in THEIR dreams? Why? Is this destiny? What does Haven have to do with any of this? Why are the Tarellians so sure that he will cure them? This is like when you get to the end of the movie and realize that the only way to get your heroes where they need to be is to have them travel “by map.” Lazy.

But the clothes continue to be delightfully bonkers:

No crop top for you, Grandma

So Wyatt goes with the Tarellians, thus solving the whole love triangle conundrum quite easily, and Lwaxana takes off (though not without first hitting on both Picard and Riker), and the status quo is resumed. And to think that the whole time, Dr. Crusher was wearing THIS:

Medimullet

The design of this jacket is almost as lazy as the plotting in the episode. But at least we had the Twizzler dress. We’ll always have the Twizzler dress.

Datalore - 1.12

I was inspired by Anna’s goldmine of unearthed season one episodes that I delved into an episode that introduces one of the characters that actually terrified me as a child: Data’s twin brother Lore. What I wasn’t prepared for was that there was a whole fucking backstory that I had never known about, probably because it’s terrible and doesn’t actually make sense. I gave one shot at trying to put it in simple terms here and failed miserably, so the intensely curious can go read the article on Memory Alpha. 

Double unfortunately, there weren’t a ton of fashions in this ep, but there were a couple worth noting. The most exciting is a Wesley sweater that we actually already saw but since Anna was dealing with a LOT of other things (like all the shades of beige), I figured we could take another look at this outfit.

What’s… happening… to… me…?

I think the first thing that we need to discuss is that this is in fact NOT a sweater, but some sort of cruel futuristic bustier for young men who want to hide their hideous upper bodies, but want to accentuate their slim, lady-like waist and have a giant arrow pointing at their crotchal region. Seriously, that… waistband((?)) is grasping Wes’ sides harder than that shellac that Romulans so charmingly refer to as their hair. Also, that waistband is pleated. Also also, I’ve only ever seen that method of fabric gathering they’re using just above the waistband employed in one other instance:

Uh-oh. Spaghetti-no.

It’s fine for chefs, but for a teenager who is doing a grown-up’s job (like steering a starship)? I don’t think so. I’m also starting to wonder if Wil Wheaton didn’t have one of those freakishly long torsos, like Michael Phelps or those aliens from Attack of the Clones. Because I can never really figure out what’s going on with these high waists.

Riker: all shoulders. He stole Wesley’s, apparently.

It really looks like at some point, someone considered that maybe this outfit should be made inflatable. Part of me has to wonder if, since parachute pants were going through their renaissance at this time, the costume designer thought that, maybe someday, the trend would reverse and parachute tops would come in vogue.

Okay, so we have a puffy top, pleated, pointed waist… what next? How about an unnecessary design element? It is the future after all.

They won’t recognize him as a child unless he’s wearing some deadened colors.

This seems to be another growing trend: the marrying of two garments to produce a new, futuristic garment. I’m not sure if it’s actually working, but I like to see that whomever had to execute this outfit felt the same way. What’s with that shoulder? Not enough time to sew it to the sleeve before shooting started? Of course, one might assume that this outfit would be symmetrical, because, you know, human bodies are symmetrical. But nope:

It’s like a 10-car pileup, but with stripes.

Actually, that’s kind of hard to see. ZOOM AND ENHANCE!

I can’t tell… does this mean they care, or that they really don’t?

Listen guys, in the FUTURE there are ANGLES and OVERLAPPING FABRICS and NO ONE CAN HOLD YOU BACK. Part of me has to wonder if Wesley’s sweaters were the fashion equivalent of a free write: just put ideas down and don’t edit them. Except then, instead of hiding that writing away where no one will see it, they put it on a nationally syndicated television show.

Now all we’re missing is a pretty inconvenient fastening method. How is he supposed to get into this giant fabric zeppelin?

Opens along the neck for easy space-vampire access.

Really, guys? A neck/shoulder opening? Have you no shame? Have you no mercy? Considering how obvious you made the zippers on Wes’ later outfits, you went through a lot of trouble to make it look like he put this on by swaddling him in it as a baby and letting his body grow into it over a period of fifteen years.

All I can say is mad props to Wil Wheaton for being able to stay focused amidst all this. Case in point:

Always a professional, eyes on the job, not on the stems.

Anyway, before I end up writing a dissertation on this outfit, we can take a quick look at the other quick fashions. First, we know how Anna feels about Beverly’s Season 1 hair, but I will say there was one nice moment where she did a quick head turn:

WERK!

Too bad she’s wearing that huge, bulky doctor’s coat. Let’s take a closer look at that for a hot second:

I’m blue, a-boo-dee, a-boo-dah.

What’s with those thick seams along the collar, shoulder, and randomly 1/4 of the way down the upper arm? I feel like they gave her something a little more streamlined later on, when they realized that the aesthetic for the future should be more aerodynamic. These thick seams suggest that the whole thing is made out of that cheap fabric you find in Chinatown knockoffs of Old Navy Fleece with tags that try and convince you that “inflammable” means “not flammable”. Anyway, Lore apparently feels the same as I do:

FASHION ARSON!

That’s two eps in a row with burning clothes! Rock!

We’re treated to some nice Season 1 Worf stylings here in this ep too:

Garnet and Gold are actually my new school colors. This is not a joke, just information.

I had an epiphany actually while I was looking at this, thinking that the woven metal sash with a fringe suggests that Worf is some sort of metal/sci-fi/cowboy hybrid… which is kind of what a Klingon is. 

Anywho, Lore:

I think the thing I found most creepy about him as a kid was that Data never smiled, and Lore always had this sassy, slightly dirty smile… and inflection in his voice. Inflection… *shiver*. Plus he’s so evil! I tried to find a good list of evil robots online, which would necessarily include Lore and the Robot Devil from Futurama, but no dice (one list tried to convince me that “HAL-3000” was a robot, but that’s incorrect, he’s an evil computer… get it right, internet). 

Here’s Lore’s getup.

Mustard vs. Camel… FIGHT!

Lore looks like he’s dressed how the 1970s envisioned the professors of the future might dress. It’d almost be a nice trench, except that if we backup a few frames we realize that no one on the enterprise would be allowed to wear something as nice as a trench coat:

JUMPSUIT’D!

Once again, the fashions of the 24th Century seem intent on giving anyone not in a Starfleet uniform the biggest, boxiest waist and hips possible. Between that and the color, it’s no wonder that Lore was so evil.

Last, but not least, every posatronic Soongian android comes, of course, with assembly required:

Unfortunately, the assembly instructions for LØR are in Swedish.

It’s nice to know that the technology of creating body matches will have improved by the time Six Feet Under rolls around, because someone put way too much shine on Lore’s head:

It’s like looking into a shiny, badly-coiffed reflection of myself.

I mean, I guess they weren’t even really trying that hard, seeing as how the noses and chins are completely off. Oh well. I think what we’re all really concerned with is this:

Default position is clench?

Aaaaaaand I’m done.

Angel One - 1.14

Oh, first season. I literally do not understand how you got made at all, much less were allowed to stay on television. I mean, THANK GOD you did, but let’s be real: YOU CRAZY. In this bananas episode, the crew goes searching for some lost guys on a planet run by women. Spoiler alert: there’s boning, and I don’t mean the kind in a corset.

But first, let’s address something:

Assault with a deadly sideburn

So pointy!! This isn’t new information, it’s just a really nice shot of Data’s hair.

But lest you think this episode is one of those where I just talk about everyone’s hair, FRET NOT, fair reader. Because soon, we are treated to this majestic creation:

Do you want to join our German techno band

Oh yes. We’ve seen a LOT of jumpsuits around here and this is Top Five material right here. First of all, it might actually be made of fiberglass. I hope you’re wearing appropriate undies, Wesley and Vaguely Asian Friend! Second, that waistline is in a place that somehow accentuates Wesley’s Ken Doll-like crotch region. But the real gem, I think, are the Olivia Newton-John headbands, because somehow V.A.F. actually looks kind of cool (I SAID KIND OF) while Wesley, as per usual, looks like a proto-Justin Bieber but with less interesting hair. I can definitely see the Biebs running in this manner:

They worked on their triple axels for HOURS that day

But this is not even the A plot! This is just Wesley and V.A.F. kickin’ it. The A plot involves this LadyPlanet, run by a council of six “mistresses” and headed by this foxy thing:

Not Teri Garr

I recently got bangs, and everyone has been like “GURL THOSE BANGS” and all I have to say to this lady, whose name is Beata, is “girl. Those bangs :(” So present, but also so wispy, and also maybe you sprayed your hairspray RIGHT in the middle to create a sort of hair flower that just looks weird.

Now, the thing about LadyPlanet (okay, it’s called Angel I) is that because it’s run by women, the men are the submissive ones and also are very wee. Now, I personally have nothing against a wee man, but when you dress them like this, well:

FIERCCCCCE

I mean, there is just really a lot going on here. Just to get this out of the way: shoulder wings. I don’t think there’s much more to say there. Beata and her colleague, Ariel, are both wearing what appear to be some interesting watercolor-inspired prints that I actually really like. Nice colors with just enough pizzazz.

Then there’s Trent. Yes, that guy’s name is Trent because OF COURSE HIS NAME IS TRENT. Trent, as required by the mores of this lady-run society, is rocking a traditional low-cut blouse in a silver lame that I’m sure Lwaxana Troi would covet were she here. But that’s not all, folks:

Tyra would be proud

Fierce posing, Trent! And cute leggings. And I think I got that belt with my Get In Shape, Girl set, along with my pink sweatband and 1 lb. hand weights.

But it’s not just Trent. This is, like, male style on LadyPlanet:

He uses V05 Hot Oil for sure

Are those pants VELOUR?! With ribbon detailing, just like Trent’s? What I’m wondering is whether these outfits are supposed to be sexy or demeaning. Or both, like any Halloween costume ever.

On the other hand, this is what the ladies wear:

Snooze

Grey. Bleh. The shoulder wings are there to keep me awake, but otherwise this is basically an Ambien in outfit form.

I’m sure there is a whole world of sociological exploration we could do about what it means to be masculine and feminine and how one’s dress affects how you are perceived, etc. But let’s just laugh at this guy’s clothes:

Mustardseed? Or Peasblossom?

I mean, the man is wearing mint green leggings with a ribbon to define his junk.

The reason the Enterprise is even on this planet is that they stumbled on this freighter that crashed, and are looking for any survivors. The leader is like “we won’t tell you if they’re here” which obviously means that they ARE there, but they decide to keep the away team on ice for a second.

This is still early enough on that Data acts weird occasionally. The thing is, this is not really one of those times, but the rest of the team thinks it is.

These have always brought me luck

He investigates this perfume by smelling it. I don’t know about you guys, but that’s…kind of what you do with perfume? Smell it? But Deanna thinks he’s being a silly android. Then they all leave and for no real reason:

I want to smell like cinnamon buns

Mini-Conan O’Brien here is just really enjoying that perfume. At least it’s not Axe Body Spray, AMIRITE LADIES?!?!

Meanwhile, Beata is standing arms akimbo in various ways:

Nip slips are de rigeur

I really do like her top.

Riker, being Riker, is like “a HA! A LadyPlanet. I shall bone one, or possibly several, of these ladies.” In order to do this, he requests some traditional garb of the planet:

Domo arigato

Look, Will, I know you’re skeptical about what looks like a green shiny kimono, but if you’d just put it on, you’d see that -

BAHAHAHAHAHA

…okay, so maybe this isn’t Riker’s best look ever. With the reverse-Little Mermaid color scheme and the extreme level of shiny on the top, his chest forest looks a little out of place. (Though not unwelcome, bokayyyyy?)

Deanna just peed herself

That fabric! I want either a canopy bed with a curtain of it, or a 1970s muumuu. It might be paisley. I think I’m in love.

Yar is here, too, and she’s into it:

Nice thighs, Commander

But this outfit isn’t intended to impress these gals, as evidenced by their reaction:

Oh, how they laughed

No, this outfit is for Mistress Beata, whose bangs are even more floral now:

Green lame makes me horny

And then, inevitably:

I still got it

Did anyone not see this coming? I mean, it’s Riker on a planet of ladies. That’s like throwing me down a well full of cookies. One of them - at least - is getting eaten.

Meanwhile, the away team is looking for platinum, because it’s not naturally-occurring on this planet, and the guys they’re looking for would have had some. They find them, like, REALLY easily.

Welcome to my man-cave, brah

Here they meet some sort of Poor Man’s Richard Dean Anderson who is rocking sort of a post-apocalyptic Western motorcycle gang thing.

And a sweet sweet mullet

That jacket is no joke. Those patches started as elbow patches, but they realized this guy was too badass and they grew into ARM CHAPS.

Maybe more like a Poor Man’s Ricky Schroeder

Arm chaps made of what appears to be python skin. Bad. Ass.

Meanwhile, in Beata’s chamber, exactly what you thought was happening is happening:

Sorry about that lamp, trypophobia sufferers

She put on her best burgundy Seduction Sack for this date, because you know that shit ain’t stayin’ on for long anyway!!

But then Trent rolls in with a meditation crystal:

It’s the pink, isn’t it? You hate me because you hate pink

This crystal’s function isn’t super-clear to me, but I’m going to go ahead and assume it’s something freaky, because:

Boner alert

WHY IS THAT RIGHT THERE IN THE MIDDLE? Guys, that is going to be in your way in like two seconds. Unless it does something freaky. In that case, carry on.

So it turns out that the guys who escaped from the shuttle really like Angel I as a planet, but the society is not cool towards men, so they established a hideout in the woods (they’ve been on the planet for 7 years, by the by). Some of them have hooked up with local ladies who feel the same, and have even produced little hipster-looking offspring:

My room on turntable.fm is blowing up, you guys

Most scandalous of all is that Beata’s right-hand woman is fraternizing with the main survivor dude, PMRDA:

Protect me, FauxGyver

This looks like a poster for a Lifetime Original movie.

The crew of the Enterprise can’t really do anything about these guys, since they’re not Federation, so they’re just kind of like, “uh…bye.”

Riker and Beata are still at it:

Seduction Sack: works every time

Or possibly not at it yet? Why are your clothes on? In any event, Trent comes back (oh, Trent) and tells her that the survivor guys have NOT been located (since the Enterprise crew is under no obligation to tell them) and she is like “fine, they’re going to be executed.” SHIT JUST GOT REAL.

Also, by the way, this whole time? On the Enterprise, some sort of crazy sickness is spreading. I haven’t mentioned it to this point because everyone is just wearing uniforms and it is the WORST B PLOT EVER. It literally has nothing to do with the A plot, and it’s boring. I’m not expecting Curb Your Enthusiasm levels of “it all comes together” here, I’m just expecting a parallel or an echo or something. But no. It’s just like “the crew is sick, it came from a snowball, oh wait now they are well.”

Anyway, I’m mentioning this now because we get to see JLP in a rare moment of powerlessness and also shirtlessness:

Looks like you need treatment, if you know what I mean

Mmmm, more chest forest. Beverly, we have talked about your season 1 hair before and I’m not going to address it anymore. Too dark, too feathered, see you in season 3.

Back on Angel I, the survivors are located (because Beata figures out that her pal is sleeping with the leader), and brought in for “justice,” though I’m not super-sure what they did? I guess they’re just rabble-rousers, like Jesus.

PMRDA and his crew are mostly in brown:

It’s all we could find in the caves

As Suri Cruise recently noted, brown is not a color, but they were living in caves so I guess they get a pass. This guy, however, TOP HONORS:

Is this what tripping looks like? I don’t do drugs

This fabric was almost certainly purchased at a Jo-Ann’s fabrics in the remnants box, but somewhere in Iowa, there is a quilt that incorporates it. Someone’s grandma loved this print.

Werq

Nothing to say here, just some really incredible posing.

So the fugitive survivors are going to be executed by way of dematerialization. There is some arguing and some more boring-ass guards:

Top by Floormats Plus

What stinks is that the other ladies’ outfits are in general, pretty cute:

This old thing? Just my executionin’ dress

Those tie-dyeing children must be around here

So Beata is like “we’re gonna kill them” and Riker is like “beam them up!” and Crusher is like “everyone here is still sick because of that stupid-ass B plot!” and Riker is like “dang!” and Beata is like “ok wait maybe we won’t kill them” and Crusher is like “all clear” and Riker is like “let’s go!” and Beata is like “yeah, okay, they can live.” And PMRDA is into that.

My arm chaps will encircle you

And Riker, with another notch in his virtual bedpost, once again respects the woman he banged with such ease:

You love it

When the Bough Breaks - 1.17

The whole idea of having kids on the Enterprise still baffles me a little bit. Are you the Navy? Or a Disney cruise? You know you could be attacked, right? And yet the crew brings their little ‘uns on like it ain’t no thing. And let them run around the ship, causing them to fall down:

I tripped on my own space boots

The thing about space is: everyone wears jumpsuits. EVERYONE, including the kids. Harry here is sporting a nice sapphire number with purple accents. But think about this for a second: do you know how long it takes to get out of a jumpsuit to pee? And do you know how many kids overestimate the abilities/capacity of their bladders? Guess what, it’s ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF KIDS. I guarantee there were more “accidents” per capita on the Enterprise than at any Red Caboose Daycare. Anyway, Harry seems to be happy in his plain jumpsuit with no apparent fasteners, except that he just ran into Riker and fell down.

Riker, meanwhile, was on his way to the bridge to learn that the ship has been led to a quadrant known for having an Atlantis-like mythological planet that OF COURSE is now revealed to be a real place:

But we will draw the curtains and let you see the picture

The planet was a legend, never confirmed as existing, because it has been HIDING behind an extremely powerful, extremely energy-consuming (that’s important) cloaking device for thousands of years. But they take off the cloak for the Enterprise! This is basically like finding El Dorado or something, and Riker’s face shows it:

He also submitted this pic to Tiger Beat

The people on the planet, Aldea, led the Enterprise to their sector for a specific reason that they won’t reveal yet. All they’ll reveal now is that they love scarves:

How many shades of beige can we synthesize? Three? Great

Can you even call that thing a scarf at this point? It’s almost a cape. I like to think she just wears that beige monstrosity every single day, but pairs it with a new scarf, emblazoned with a different fruit, each time. She looks in the mirror and says, “Today is Orange Day!”

And oh my god, her hair. Her hair is a work of art. The bangs are actually quite standard for 1988, really, with the side part and the high-ass swoop, but what takes this shit to 11 is that HIGH SIDE PONYTAIL BRAID. She took all the things you could do to your hair, and DID THEM. It’s like a Swiss Army Knife of hairstyles.

And yes, folks, that is Brenda Strong, the dead lady from Desperate Housewives.

So she and her colleague transport aboard the Enterprise (with no warning, I might add) so that we can see the rest of her outfit:

Stop: Cornucopia Time

What do you get for the captain who has everything? A floral cornucopia, of course:

Thanks, I guess

And with her many beiges and her orange scarf, she has paired what appear to be a very tightly-pegged pair of olive green slacks. The 5th grade me is kind of impressed. I could never peg my jeans that tight.

Her traveling companion, meanwhile, is enjoying many shades of orange:

It’s burnt sienna, get it straight, asshat

So autumnal. And are they both wearing jazz sneakers? I think I see a split sole. why you would wear black jazz shoes with those outfits that CLEARLY call for a brown shoe is beyond me, but we’ll soon learn that these outfits are the least of their problems.

So the Aldeans are like “we want your children, since we’re all infertile for some reason we can’t figure out” and the Enterprise crew are like “uh NO we kind of like our children.” Then the Aldeans give some sweet side-eye:

Sketched out

Is there a rule on this planet about earth tones? And are these guys embarrassed or proud that they are wearing the same color? At least Poor Man’s Shirley MacLaine up there tried to top everything off with a vest, but it’s a really bad vest. So boxy, girl.

I often wonder about the fact that in a lot of cases, all the individuals on a planet dress, if not identically, certainly from within the same collection. Then I got into a tvtropes.org spiral the other day (easy to do) and landed on the page for Planet of Hats, which applies to a LOT of planets in the TNG universe. On this planet, everyone is infertile and also an autumn.

So after the Enterprise crew is like “duh, you can’t have our kids,” the Aldeans use some sort of probe to find the children on board and kidnap them. Since Wesley is on the bridge, annoying everyone, Picard and the other important people see just what happens:

If only that probe could make his sweater less ugly

As a result, we see several areas of the Enterprise where the kids could be (again, WHY ARE YOU TAKING YOUR KIDS TO SPACE), which means: costumes for extras!

Kids, today’s lesson is how to get your hair REAL high

Okay, teacher. I REALLY wish I could confirm one way or another what you are wearing here, but I’m going to tell you what it looks like. It looks like a burgundy poncho that you have belted and paired with flowing mauve pants. I’m not saying that’s what it is, I’m just saying that’s what it looks like. And I don’t like it.

Also, this child in the front of the classroom is working some SERIOUS A.C. Slater curly mullet up in here. And do you know who that child is? None other than McKenzie Westmore, daughter of famed Star Trek makeup artist Michael Westmore, and currently the host of the bad-but-actually-great show Face Off on SyFy (guys ur spelling it rong). She also played Sheridan on the late great soap opera Passions. But here she is just a little thing! With a bad perm. It’s not your fault, sweetie, you’ll be pretty someday.

(p.s. I just noticed that Harry, of the jumpsuit from earlier, is straight LOUNGIN’ in that chair in the front row. I guess school on the Enterprise is just real chill.)

Drill team practice on holodeck two

This kid, who I think we later learn is named Mason, is wearing what appears to be a men’s cheerleading jumpsuit. I hope it says “Starfleet” across the front in block letters. Mom looks like she’s wearing not one, but TWO lavender dresses with bad hem lengths. I have no issues with dad.

Is that a zither? It’s a zither, right?

I am only including this one because I really thought this was a girl I went to middle school with, Christina Perez. She was really good at rocking that “my hair is sort of curly but I just brushed it a whole lot to make it straight” look.

So Wesley and these kids and a few others get nabbed off the Enterprise because they’re “special” or something, and Wesley tries to calm them down:

Color scheme? Let’s use ALL OF THEM

Oh, you guys, this is so good. First of all, confirmed: they are all wearing jumpsuits, except poor McKenzie, who is wearing some sort of baby muumuu with a scarf accent. Just because she’s chubby doesn’t mean you should block her from the joy of a jumpsuit, costume designer!! She reminds me of me in my sweatpants years (1987-1991)

So we have the blondie in the blue spatter paint thing - great, and very 1987. We’ll talk more about that down the line. There’s Mason in his drill team uniform, Christina Perez in what is revealed to be an INSANE printed jumpsuit, and this itty-bitty ginger in the best shoulders I’ve ever seen on a 6-year-old:

Error 323: Too adorable

Are redheads not supposed to wear pink? Is that the thing? I’m not a redhead, so I don’t really keep track of that sort of thing, but if that’s a rule, it is dumb, because this little girl is the cutest ever. And ready to take off with those shoulder wings if necessary.

Up on the ship, her mom is worried about her:

This photo sponsored by Ogilvie

And I am worried about how much hairspray was needed to keep that bouffant bouffed. So many curls!!

Unfortunately for the Enterprise parents, the people on Aldea are pants-shittingly excited to get some kids up in there, and some of the kids are excited too:

Don’t worry, we’ll get those bangs higher in NO TIME

Harry, the kid from the first scene, is assigned to a nice family who also fucking loves beige:

I’m scared they’ll make me take off my jumpsuit

From the looks of this lady’s outfit, the “largest scarf ever over beige” thing is not just Brenda Strong:

Seriously, if they make me take off my jumpsuit, I will freak out

It’s actually sort of an interesting way to wear a large swath of fabric: over your shoulder and belted. It reminded me a little bit of this Lanvin dress that Julianne Moore wore to the premiere of The Kids Are All Right: as though you KNOW there is just not enough going on, so you throw in a disparate element and hope it looks chic. Although with this beige planet, they will never succeed in looking chic. Tunics over turtlenecks can never, ever be chic.

So the kids (who are not, in fact, all right) are all stuck on this planet, while their parents worry about how to rescue them. They come up with a plan that involves Dr. Crusher secretly passing Wesley a tricorder so he can check out one of the Aldeans’ health status. It’s actually pretty funny to see the Crushers acting “stealthy” because they’re kind of obvious about it:

What? Haha, no, I’m not doing anything back here

I did not realize that was a FULL-LENGTH vest until just now. It’s hurting my feelings.

Some of the kids seem to like their new “parents”:

SHAPES ARE AMAZING

I don’t know what that is, or what it’s supposed to be, but I want it.

Grandpa, how many shades of beige are there

Christina Perez and her jumpsuit - now revealed to include COLOR BLOCKING up top and some sort of tie dye, perhaps, on the lower half - are learning a musical instrument and also being visually assaulted by grandpa’s many stripes in the beige family.

Eventually, Wesley gets the kids to go on a hunger strike, and Picard ends up coming down to the planet to deal with this shit himself:

How can you tell if Wesley is whining? His mouth is open OHHH BURNNNN

I primarily included this shot to reiterate the AMAZINGNESS of the color blocking on Christina Perez’s jumpsuit top - I mean, melon and lavender? That is bold. Also, check out the girl on the left and her sailor collar COMBINED WITH that crazy paint splash fabric. It’s like Selena had a baby with Donald Duck. Unfortunately, Picard isn’t so great with kids:

What the

This would be my face, too, Picard, if I was confronted by a short person holding what appears to be a tribble scrunchie. But look how cute!!!

Cuter than Joseph Gordon-Levitt in a basket of puppies

Even Picard cannot resist the cuteness!

Oh, all right

Her shoulder wings appear to be made of crepe paper, possibly the same as the alien lady in this episode two seasons later.

Just bask in the jumpsuits for a second

Picard tells the Aldeans they are going to take the kids back to the ship and the Aldeans are like “haha, you can’t, because our computer has a shield up” and Picard is like “nope, Riker and Geordi disabled it, SORRY.”

KEEP BASKING

Poor little McKenzie in that baby muumuu on the left there. She looks like a painting in a Residence Inn.

Anyway, the Enterprise crew is victorious (duh) and the Aldeans get real sad:

ACTING

At some point during all of this, Dr. Crusher has determined that their infertility is not, in fact, genetic, but environmental, mirroring the ozone layer crisis of “21st century Earth” (aka RIGHT NOW GUYS). I love when TNG tackles current events through the lens of “history,” because we always look like assholes. Anyway, it turns out that they’re depleting their ozone layer by running the big computer controlling their cloaking device (remember that?). So they have to go to the computer room and turn it all off:

You don’t control me anymore, DAD…I mean, COMPUTER

Clearly they did not actually build this huge-ass computer core just for a 15-second (admittedly very cool) shot. I learned from my new book that the core is a two-foot-high model, which they shot, and then added the shot of the doorway afterward. Good job, guys!

So the Aldeans are cured, the kids are back where they belong, and the little ginger is so grateful she gives Picard a flower and a hug:

So this is what emotions are

In her glee, however, she left her tribble scrunchie on his back, just for lols:

He is still cooler than 96% of humans

Deanna is trying SO HARD not to laugh. Oh, space! You so silly!

The Naked Now - 1.3

I first heard about this episode from my beloved co-backup singer in Erin and Her Cello, Adam, who frequently watches the 3am G4 showings of TNG, but also frequently falls asleep while doing so. He explained this episode by saying everyone was “acting drunk and all sexy.”

I didn’t even need to hear any more; I put it on my queue immediately.

The episode begins with the Enterprise going to check out some ship, and when Picard is like “what’s up, other ship,” some woman with a sultry 1-900 voice answers and tells them there’s going to be a big blowout. Then there’s an explosion, and everyone is like “whaaaaat.” So they go to check out the other ship:

USS Party Bus

See that yellowish-orange thing in the lower right part of this pic? At first I thought it was a streamer, but on closer inspection, it turned out to be one of these. Yes, even in the 24th century, we are still using the same old twisty straw technology. Clearly, however, there was a “my parents are going out of town” level shindig here earlier, as evidenced by the craziness of the straws.

So the away team goes to investigate the rest of the ship and finds a lot of frozen naked people:

Artfully arranged hands and pieces of cloth = safe for TV

What I want to know about this shot is how much these extras got paid for being sprayed with fake Christmas snow and being naked. Is there a supplemental day rate for being flocked?

Walkin’ in a winter wonderland

The other thing about these people is that none of them are doing anything particularly party-like. I mean, sure, they’re all passed out, which makes sense, but not even ONE COUPLE was caught in flagrante delicto? Come on. That lady in the back there with one hand on her own boob is the most action anyone in the whole place is getting.

So Geordi tries to figure out what happened by poking around, when suddenly:

Extra Super Hold AquaNet, now in opaque

AAAAAA! Frozen naked dead lady! We all knew Geordi was awkward around women, but even for him, this is slumming it a little.

This is important - that Geordi touches this dead lady, because as we will soon learn, the people on this ship were infected with some sort of disease that made them a) act drunk, b) turn the heat on their ship way down and c) open the hatch TO SPACE. And touching is how this “disease” gets transmitted. We return to the Enterprise, where ladies are still wearing minidresses:

I think I can see cheek back there

And Wesley is doing a science project and wearing another goddamn sweater:

The sweater is knitted from tears

This one is not nearly as bad as that monstrosity from this episode, but still: what, what, what are those shoulders? And this collar, which I think is actually part of a tire:

Michelin Man, eat your heart out

I wish I could touch that sweater. It looks like it’s made of a window screen, or razor wire. I want it to hurt when I look at Wesley to remind me of what an obnoxious twerp he is. (Side note: please remember to separate Wesley from Wil Wheaton here, because Wil Wheaton? IS AWESOME.)

So Wesley, as he often does, makes this little baby tractor beam and uses it to lift up this chair:

Sally Jessy Raphael called, she wants her chair back

This is only important because it has some bearing on the plot, and also this chair is hilariously ugly.

Now, because Geordi touched that naked lady earlier, he is “infected” with some sort of disease that basically just makes you feel drunk: you get really warm, and also really touchy-feely, which is great, because then the disease can spread. So we get a lot of shots like this:

KISS HIM

Because this is a first-season episode, it’s…well…it’s kind of bad. Okay, really bad. Like, “I don’t know how this show stayed on for seven whole seasons” bad. The rest of the show is basically everyone contracting this disease, acting drunk, and passing it to someone else.

The thing I don’t understand about this is: this is the THIRD EPISODE. Of the WHOLE SHOW. Like, I enjoyed the episode from a fan standpoint, because I know all these characters and how they normally act. But when this first aired, no one knew these characters, so the whole “wackiness” doesn’t work.

Like, seeing Tasha Yar “try on” Troi’s scarves is semi-amusing:

Troi: stockpiler of chiffon

Are these clothes? That Troi wears? Yar says something like “you’re always so fashionable when you’re off duty,” but these do not appear to actually be clothes, just big swaths of fabric.

Not a clothes

What is she planning? A dance of the seven veils? On a beach?

In the 24th century, being a Deadhead is like being into Ren Faire

I wonder if the replicator can make weed.

So Yar goes down to Engineering, where we have another documented miniskirt uniform:

Underbutt is the new cleavage

That’s it, ensign…just reach up a little farther. There is something REALLY off about all the proportions here. The skirt needs to be a little longer, the boots a little taller (and sans wedge, but that’s a personal preference). She does have great gams, though. Leg casting!

Subsequently, Yar basically infects all of Engineering, starting with this guy:

Set phasers to love me

This culminates in ALL of Engineering being tipsy, led by second-in-command Shimoda in a weird jumpsuit:

Putting the “gin” in “Engineering”

That is a bad jumpsuit, Shimoda. And I honestly think that if I was in Starfleet, I would specifically not be in Engineering just to avoid that terrible mustard yellow that looks good on like 1% of people. Also, what is guy on the far left doing there? Looking at that woman’s back? “I think I saw an oddly-shaped mole there.” The rest of them look like the cast of a Saved by the Bell knockoff. “We’re friends, so we touch each other semi-awkwardly!!”

Oh, by the by - while this has all been going on, Wesley Crusher has TAKEN CONTROL OF ENGINEERING by using his tractor beam and a little device he created that can mimid Picard’s voice. So basically the ship is being run by a child.

I named Totino’s Pizza Rolls my first officer

Meanwhile, in Tasha Yar’s quarters:

Underboob is now the new underbutt

First of all, this is a really interesting interpretation of “sexy.” Yes, more skin is more sexy, Tasha, but in my interactions with human males, the few that there have been, they have seemed to show a preference for boobs and shoulders rather than abs and…lower sternum. You have taken that expectation and tipped it on its head. (In your defense, your abs are pretty nice.)

Also, did you craft that top out of Troi’s chiffon stash? You know you don’t have to do that, right? That you live on a starship with a thing that will produce any item of clothing for you? Well, at least your hair is…uh…

Featuring Denise Crosby as Roxie Hart

It’s sort of shellacked. Anti-sexy, Tasha. But it doesn’t matter! Because you are trying to seduce AN ANDROID. Who is “fully functional,” we learn:

Sexy?

I guess Data is “programmed in multiple techniques” so that he can be closer to human, but it’s just really creepy, y’all. But Tasha ain’t care:

Get down, you

She has no back to her shirt, and no shame. This disease will ruin us!! Also I don’t know how those pants (or skirt…it’s never really clear) are staying up, at all, but I guess she was only planning to keep them on briefly anyway.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, this is what an android looks like after he’s banged a colleague:

He then launched into a full-scale vaudeville number

So this mutual seduction basically just happens with all the usual suspects, starting with Riker and Troi:

Cannot…resist…a million braids

If there’s one thing Cosmo has gotten right (and I think it’s just that one), it’s that updos are not actually sexy, because they’re so involved. You want to leave your hair down so they want to touch it, or something. That’s why I don’t even own a hairbrush. But Riker doesn’t care! He’s drunk on…something.

Picard and Crusher get into it, obviously:

I need you to examine my organ, doctor

Hey! A neck zipper! I have been wondering where the points of ingress were on those uniforms. They always seemed like they had no fasteners of any kind, which is impressive, but would be frustrating for bathroom times and sexytimes alike.

So all these hijinks culminate in the ship being endangered and Wesley somehow saving EVERYONE since the rest of engineering is off cavorting, except for the chief engineer, who wears a French twist:

Bumpit

Oh, and they find a cure by searching the ship’s computers for other incidents like this, and find a cure based on this episode of TOS. WEAK, guys. Weak, and kind of a ripoff. This episode is like your* loser sibling: you know it’s awful, but you love it anyway because it’s yours. Don’t watch it unless you’re already a fan, and even then, you may want to get a little drunk yourself before you dive in (just like you do when you hang out with that loser sibling).

If nothing else, we got a tipsy Picard (which is great, because Patrick Stewart is great), who gave Bev a little wave as she sauntered away:

Bye bye bye

*I do mean YOUR, as in you, not me, because most of my siblings have advanced degrees and all of them are rad.

Where No One Has Gone Before - 1.6

My roommate Stephanie (for whose TNG obsession I am wholly responsible; it is one of my proudest accomplishments) managed to score us a new (to us) TV to replace our old one, which was so dark that there were literally scenes in some shows that we could not see at all.

So of course we immediately watched an episode of TNG that Stephanie had already seen, but said was “so crazy that [she] would watch it again.”

It starts out normally enough, with Beardless Riker and Picard on the bridge:

William “Babyface” Riker would go on to produce a Toni Braxton album

I just wanted to remind you guys how much better he looks with a beard. That is all.

As I’m sure you’re aware, this indicates that we are in a first season episode, which also means everyone’s look hasn’t really settled into a good groove just yet. Thus, we have updo Troi:

South Milwaukee represent

The eye makeup is a LITTLE dramatic here, Deanna, but at least you’ve balanced it with a neutral-ish lip. But that hair! She looks like a lady on a Grecian urn with a dreamcatcher on her head.

She also hasn’t really sunk into her groove in terms of jumpsuits, either. The top up there doesn’t appear to fit or flatter, and when she started to walk away, Steph yelled, “PANTS!!”

Pants indeed

If the purpose of that trompe l’oeil belt is to get us to look at your (strangely flat) booty, Deanna, well, mission accomplished.

So the main gist here is that some dude is coming to do some upgrades to the warp drive on the ship to make it run more efficiently. Here he comes, with alien assistant in tow:

I want that jumpsuit and I am not even joking

The warp technician or whatever he is (we’re going to call him Warp Douche, because he proves to be a douche) wears a regular old uniform, but check the SHINY on his assistant back there! Another sale at Lame’ Emporium, I see.

Again, because this is a first season episode, there are some things we see happening that are not true of the entire rest of the series. One of these things: the mini-dresses:

Not even any stockings? You brave, girl

You may recall Charlie’s outrage/consternation at Troi’s minidress throughout the very first episode; now Deanna is more sensibly clad in that subpar jumpsuit, but we still have rando crew members sporting the mini. As cute as this dress is, and as much as I REALLY WANT ONE, they are not appropriate for going where no one has gone before (unless that is some sort of cheeky sexual innuendo, then it’s fine).

This episode also features a babyfaced Wil Wheaton as Wesley, who isn’t part of the crew yet, but just Dr. Crusher’s kid. He is down in Engineering doing some sort of project in what is technically a sweater, but is really more like a nightmare:

This sweater makes me feel hurl-ey

It’s really difficult to determine where to begin here. I mean, the color is almost okay, but sort of looks like a peach after it got punched in the face (if peaches had faces). But there are, like, 5 different kinds of fabrics happening, all in the same color, and you could fit a MINIMUM of 2.5 more Wil Wheatons in there with all that extra room. Also, the dreaded mock turtleneck. Oh, how I despise them.

Another angle, for shiggles:

Confirmed: that is definitely a ruffle

Wesley is not helping his image with this thing.

In any event, Wes and the alien sidekick with the sweet jumpsuit hang around while Warp Douche is conducting the experiments. The jumpsuit continues to be awesome:

“You come here often?”

I can’t tell if that guy has a really long torso, or if those are slightly harem-pantsy. Either way, I’m in.

Basically what happens in the next few scenes are that the alien sidekick guy does something CRAZY and this occurs:

Ghost jumpsuit

This is called “phasing” and apparently the effect of it is that the warp drive goes BONKERS and Warp Douche is like “yahoo I discovered the FASTEST SPEED EVER” and Picard is like “where we at” and Data is like “we are 2.7 MILLION LIGHT YEARS away from where we just were.” And everyone is like “damn.”

At this point, Stephanie was like “you think this is the whole episode, but there’s so much more.”

So Warp Douche, alien sidekick, and Wesley sit down to figure out how to get back to where they were, since SURE, you want A CHILD working on the fate of your whole crew. Hope you’re having fun, Space Princess.

Moose knuckle warning: high

I just wanted to include this because it’s the best shot of my beloved jumpsuit.

So they are like “oh here is some fake science to get us home” and they plan to go home, but then:

I always fall off the Rainbow Road

Instead of going home, they go through a Mario Kart level to:

What the fuuuuuuuuuu

Where are they?! Ice magic cave? Sugarplum fairy world? Inside Martin Short in a tiny submarine? No, it turns out that they are at the END OF THE UNIVERSE. Which is a BILLION light years away from where they were. Well, fuck, Warp Douche! You fucked up.

It turns out that the end of the universe is like being on acid, because everybody starts seeing things. Worf, for example, sees this:

Cute?

It’s a pig dressed as a bear unicorn! And also Worf’s childhood pet. Tasha Yar and I reacted like this:

Buh

But Worf reacted like this:

Why Klingons don’t smile: explained

It was creepy to see Worf smile, but nice to see him happy. Also I’m pretty sure that sash was made at crafts hour at a camp on Long Island somewhere. “I need 5,000 1/4” strips of leather, stat!”

But that’s not the only pet who shows up:

Ow ow ow ow you’re crushing me

Tasha’s kitty, the one she had on the colony of RAPE GANGS she grew up on, magically appears. This causes her to have a flashback to said rape colony:

Slash couture

I don’t want to spend too much time on Tasha’s flashback, because, eee, rape gangs. But that top is kind of cool? Maybe? Before it got torn up by evildoers. Let’s just move on to Picard’s hallucination: 

Watch out for that first step, it’s a doozy

Whoaaaaaaa whaaaaaat!! So everything is bananas, and people are imagining all sorts of things:

Black swan

Cute outfit, ensign! I particularly enjoy that deep V in the front that goes along with the contrast boning. I also want to point out that while not being a ballerina, this ensign is really working her uniform:

Betazoid face with a Klingon booty

Her waist is so tiny! And someone actually fit this costume on her! How nice. I’m not super-sure about the leftover Dreamgirls wig, but it’s a good start.

Even JLP is not immune to the strange visions (actually, they are thoughts being manifested, like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man) everyone is having. Look, it’s maman!

From the desert to the sea, to wherever there’s tea

It’s actually really interesting what the costume designer has done here. So JLP is, what, 55 or so? So he was born sometime in the 2310s, we’ll say. That would mean moms here was maybe born in, like, 2280? Life spans are longer in the future, so maybe she was even born in the 2260s? My point is: maman still comes from a time OVER TWO HUNDRED YEARS from now. Yet she is wearing a dress that would not look out of place in an Anne of Green Gables adaptation, except for that weird printed fabric, which definitely has a “future” feel to it. So we get the sense that this is someone from JLP’s past via the line/silhouette of the fabric, but from the future from our perspective. It’s just really well done.

Of course, shortly thereafter we see a dude in a dress:

Nice quads

So…you can’t win ‘em all, I guess.

So everyone is freaking out re: the weird end-of-the-universe and finally the alien guy comes clean: he is actually a traveler from another plane of existence, and was using Warp Douche as his cover to get on board Starfleet ships. All the phasing has made him sick, so Dr. Bev checks him out:

Physician, heal thyself

Ohhh, Beverly. My feelings about your hair color in this season can be aptly summed up by Riker’s unfortunate face in this screenshot. It is too dark, too red, and your poor face looks like all the color’s been sapped out of it. WE KNOW YOU CAN DO BETTER, BEV.

Remember that sweater? He’s still wearing it

So Bev checks out the alien sidekick guy, who gets better and meets with Picard, telling him that Wesley has the ability to manipulate time and space. For those of you familiar with the mythos of the show, it’s interesting to note that Wesley’s fate was decided this early on in the series. For those of you who are here to read about fashion: too bad Wesley doesn’t have the ability to manipulate pants and sweaters HEYOOOOOO

So Picard is like “everyone think good thoughts of home” so the alien sidekick can get them all away from the edge of the universe. Here are some random crew members walking around thinking good thoughts:

Forest green? Not in MY Starfleet

This dude appears to be wearing the cazh version of the Starfleet uniform: the colorblock sweater. Also a favorite of my high school employer, Lands’ End, the colorblock sweater looks good on approximately no one. Meanwhile, Dr. Pulaski Hair back there (it’s not Pulaski, thank god) is rocking a hunter green possible-jumpsuit with a crystal (???) belt. And that belt is SO MUCH WIDER than you think it is:

Crystal Cummerbund is my country singer alter ego

And it doesn’t really read here, but her jumpsuit is made of viscose. Viscose.

Also she’s wearing some surprisingly pedestrian earrings:

Snooze

I guess when the person who we usually see wearing earrings is Lwaxana Troi, everyone else is at a disadvantage, because she is the greatest ever.

So of course everything works out fine; the Enterprise gets home and the alien sidekick guy goes back to his other plane of existence or whatever. Wesley helps him along, though:

No comment

There is SUCH a weird connection between these two, I suppose to set up Wesley’s later involvement with the Travelers, as they are called, but it’s sort of creepy:

Whoaaaa we’re halfway there

I like when humanoid aliens have some other CRAZY number of fingers that kind of don’t make sense from an evolutionary standpoint, but make total sense from the perspective of the makeup artist.

So Wesley and his boyfriend save the ship and get home, and alien sidekick disappears into interdimensional space or something. Then Picard makes Wesley an acting ensign because he did such a good job, and invites him to hang out on the bridge for a bit:

Tee hee, I’m on the bridge

I like how they asked him to hang, but there’s no chair for him, so he just sits on, like, a ledge.

I’m also convinced that Picard made him an ensign to reward his efforts in saving the ship, yes, but also to get him out of that FUCKING SWEATER and into a Starfleet uniform.

Encounter at Farpoint - 1.1-1.2

I’m sure that by now most of you have realized that it’s Anna who does the heavy lifting here. I’ve had a busy couple of months, but that’s no excuse that any blogger worth their salt would put forward in earnest apology, so let me just hang my head in shame for a second, and then we can move on.

PART OF THE PROBLEM was that I bit off a little more than I could chew. Encounter at Farpoint is a giant beast of an episode—the very first, of course. But before we get into it, I’d like us to take a little trip down memory lane. Pretend the year is 1987, and the prior TV season, four of the top 5 television shows were sitcoms, and the one drama was Murder She Wrote. And these guys march into Paramount’s television office with balls of brass and propose a space show based off of a series from the ’50s that ran for three seasons, and then put out a handful of movies. Wow. Wow.

A few magical months (years?) later, here we are… Episode I. There are a lot of dramatic introductory shots, most especially this one which is LITERALLY THE FIRST THING YOU SEE in the whole show:

I don’t know what this show’s about, but I know it’s got a bald man and some wooden walls.

It’s the first ten minutes or so of the show that are the most challenging, fashion-wise. Mostly, we’re confronted with a lot of the trial-and-error costumes that the showrunners (wisely) edited out in later seasons. My favorite favorite favorite by far is Deanna Troi’s costume. As we’ve said in previous posts, the show definitely saw Marina Sirtis’ chestly endowments as major selling points on the show, and, WOW, did they sell them. Take a look at this costume that an officer in the navy is supposed to wear for the whole episode:

I have better shots later on, but wow… she’s two leg-crosses away from Basically Instincting us. Her skirt says “come and get it”, her headband says “let me braid your hair” and her boots say “open your mouth for this gag ball.” Do we have a view of that headband?

It’s braided out of FUTURISTIC FABRICS, guys. THIS IS THE FUTURE. Though, conditioner is still pretty shitty. I guess they didn’t have Pantene’s Pro-V technology until the later parts of the 24th century.

Remember 10 seconds ago when I made a conditioner joke? That was pretty bad.

Anyway, there were a lot of kinks to be worked out of costumes. There are more than a couple moments where the men’s jumpsuits frame their male boobage a little too lovingly. Poor Data here looks like Datette, amirite or amirite?

Did someone order a lumpy B-cup? (Are gay dudes who don’t know anything about boobs allowed to make such a joke?)

Man, at least Data’s were firm and supple. I can’t even really picture what’s going on in there. It might have been a two-pronged thing, where they redesigned the costume, but they also had Patrick Stewart do 200 pushups before every episode.

But there are all sorts of fashion oopsies on the ship. There’s this little number:

Which, sure, if you’re trying to cultivate a horny teenage male audience, sure. But then, a few seconds later, there’s this:

It’s hard to tell in the still (and it took me about 20 minutes to get this screenshot) but that, my friends, is a dude in a dress. A short dress. Now, I like to believe in a future where a dude can wear whatever he wants, but… I honestly believe this was a mistake. 

But these are just the standard uniforms for the episode, setting the stage for the next seven years. On top of that, we have the special guest costumes, and, wow, if you’re not holding on to your faces now, you might want to get a grip.

Basic plot: on the way to Farpoint Station on their first mission, the crew of the enterprise get a visit from this guy:

No expense has been spared in this luxurious costume, from the abundant feather puffy cap to the metal chestplate to whatever those gold things are on his sleeves. The discussion revolves heavily around humankind’s barbarian nature, the idea being that he’s a Sir Walter Raleigh type, but, let’s be real: with that wig it’s hard to take him seriously. It’s too bad, too, because he almost kills someone, like, right away. 

Needing a more serious tone, he zaps into this getup:

Okay, now strike a pose that doesn’t say gay marine.

First of all, let’s talk about that cigarette! Wow, the ’80s were a crazy time! Q, as our friend here is called, is taking the crew on a tour of the most deadly times of the human race, and since we’re IN THE FUTURE, we can include something that’s in the past for our characters, but still in the future for us.

Okay, honey, remember that the safety word is “Orange Pekoe”.

All I can say is that that’s a Liefeldian level of pouches there. The best part is how incredulously the rest of the crew can look at him, as if he’s the only ridiculously dressed person on that bridge.

Dorn right.

Let’s talk about that Worf for a second. His ceremonial sash thing—which he could easily have won at a pageant—evolved as well over the seasons. How could it not, though. Let’s take a closer look:

COME ON GUYS IT HAS A FRINGE WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?! But I suppose it was the ’80s, and that was kind of in. KIND OF.

But this okay, you know why?

Butt cheek on futuristic leather.

Anyway, Q kidnaps a handful of crew and takes them to a courtroom from Earth’s troubled past/future. 

I suppose it has to be tough trying to decide what poor, rabid vagabonds would consider fashion in 2150 or whenever this is supposed to take place, but it kind of looks like they could have all waltzed in from Diagon Alley. (That’s a Harry Potter reference, Anna.)

Anyway, there’s no point in trying to assign them a genre (Neville Longbottom’s Grandmother-Chic?) because the costume designers for this sequence were all over the map. Here is the bailiff and his… bell holder?

ORDER! ORDER IN MY WARDROBE!

This is probably the root of what ended up being Joss Whedon having all the characters of Firefly speak chinese—THE FUTURE WILL HAVE ASIAN PEOPLE. I mean, look at those luxurious robes, and those cylindrical caps! FASHION INFLUENCE. Here, check this angle out:

I have a hard time believing they couldn’t find an Asian Little Person. Lazy casting, guys.

Of course, we’re now about to come to what may be one of the best costumes in all of TNG:

As regal as a crazy dean on graduation day. What material is that, acetate?

There’s a lot going on here, but for some reason, after looking at the picture for a couple minutes, the most bothersome (assuming we leave those creepy fat kitty/gremlin heads carved into the posts out of his outfit, though who knows, it could all be connected somewhere) is his creepy red glove. I do not want to know what those are supposed to be used for. 

The one necklace seems like an interesting choice, considering what a smörgåsbord this outfit is supposed to be. That hat… that’s a greek orthodox priest hat, yes? I think we’re ready for another angle.

I’m not sure, but I think his mind’s on his money and his money’s on his mind.

The black stripe along the back of the cape really gets me for some reason. And those weird heads are still creepy. I think it’s because they’re almost exactly the size of baby heads. *shiver*

Anyway, PLOT: humankind is guilty of being a cruel species and should be wiped from the face of existence. Picard talks Q into letting them prove themselves. Q says okay, they’ll get tested at Farpoint, but if they fail the test, no more humans. I sort of believe that Q could have found them guilty based on this:

I’m sorry but it’s not an outfit.

Anyway, they get to Farpoint station on Cygnus IV. This is what the station looks like:

The Enterprise is the first non-phallic shaped spaceship, and then we go and do this.

Everyone on this planet dresses the grayest clothes they can find.

I’m looking for something in more of a drab. Do you have anything in four sizes too big?

This is Zorn, who is in charge, and IMMEDIATELY SUSPICIOUS. So is this guy, who Dr. Crusher tries to buy stuff from in the market:

I think I’m going colorblind.

Fortunately for everyone involved, we get to see a few more civilian outfits. I think originally, they must have thought that “crewmember” means tight uniforms, and “civilian” meant the baggiest thing they could find. Here’s apple-cheeked Wil Wheaton premiering as Wesley Crusher:

I can haz flaring shoulder padz?

I’m pretty sure that those pants are two-toned. IT’S THE FUTURE. DEAL WITH IT. Though not so much the future that they could bring themselves not to have tight cuffs with puffy sleeves. And then there’s the color… is that stale puke? It looks like stale puke. Sorry Wes, it’s nothing personal.

At this point we have a RANDOM INTERLUDE: Data walking an old ambassador off the ship. How do you know he’s an old ambassador?

Cause he’s wearing a futuristic version of ’70s clothes, which was SO OVER by 1987. He’s got the comfy but sensible knit cardigan, and I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but those are definitely some flares he’s wearing there. Oh, and, turn around gramps.

Yep, those are some SHINY BLACK LEATHER ELBOW PATCHES. Suck it, the ’70s.

At some point, Deanna and Riker are introduced, and this is how they do SEXUAL INTENSITY:

Those eyes have seen a lot. So why are those sleeves so short?

Riker turns heads all over the ship, like when he asks this perky little ensign how to find Commander Data. She helps him and points him on his way.

And then takes some for herself:

She’ll never get tired of that view.

There’s another interlude where Wesley falls into a lake on the holodeck.

Looks like his outfit caught monochromia down on the surface. He then makes the mistake of being wet in front of the Captain.

Fortunately, he there’s a two-birds/one-stone solution to his problem, which is another hideously colored baggy sweater.

It’s absorbent and machine washable.

Meanwhile, back on the surface, shenanz:

I’m gonna go ahead and be honest with everyone at this point and just say that I literally never got over Deanna’s outfit in this episode. If you think this is the last shot of it, oh-ho, are you wrong. THESE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SOLDIERS.

Anyway, PLOT: this CRAZY SPACESHIP shows up and starts firing purple nurples on the planet. This is what that looks like, incidentally:

That’s funny, now I have Purple Rain stuck in my head.

First, where is this picturesque window on destruction supposed to be? Someone’s garage with a lip? Why is there an ancient greek urn there? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

Here’s the ship that’s firing on them:

Can we get that rotated for a better view?

I’m just going to go ahead and say what all of us are thinking: puckered hole.  Let’s take a look at what this Farpoint station looks like:

If you haven’t instantaneously figured out what’s going on here, then I CANNOT HELP YOU.

I’m sorry, I’m getting away from the Fashion. One last shot of Judge Q, in a closeup.

I mostly included this for that red hockey puck he has glued to his shoulder. WHAT IS THAT. I bet Anna could rock that necklace, though. And probably that hat, too.

So the giant strange shit is attacking the surface. The captain calls Crusher, and tells her to get a medical team to the surface. During the cutaway to sickbay, showing everyone in preparation, we see this guy:

At first he looks like a Jedi, but then that thing he’s holding looks like a sleeping bag, so I’m going to go with he’s going to a sleepover dressed as a Jedi. Also, the only person in Starfleet allowed that kind of plunging neckline is Counselor Troi. SORRY. Though I like that you’re man enough to have a silver/lavender sleeping bag.

Back on the surface, Deanna has to stand sexily in the mouth of a cave.

You go ahead, Will. Me, Geordi and Tasha are going to stay here and have fun without you.

While security chief Tasha Yar is on the surface, though, look at who they leave in charge of tactical back on the enterprise:

Not a hairstyle.

I couldn’t get it clear enough to really establish whether it’s a man or a woman. I kind of like the idea of the Chief of Security being a man named Bjørn with an unrivaled head of blonde hair.

Anyway, for those of you that didn’t figure it out, the mysterious ship and the space station are actually both GIANT ALIENS. I’ll be honest, I was all ready to watch that spiky station get it on with that puckering space ship, but I suppose this was aired on broadcast, so they both logically turn into these:

Space Jelly Fish. That’s a thing, right?

Fortunately, I was still treated to some space fornication, when they let their tendrils brush against each other:

Gross, guys.

Anyway. That’s basically it. The human race is saved. But let’s bring it back to the fashion, because that is, after all, why we’re all here. I grabbed this last shot of Deanna because it was a little clearer than the others:

First of all, literally what would she do if she needed to use her hands?

But then I looked up and saw that TASHA IS WEARING THE SAME OUTFIT ALL OF A SUDDEN. IT’S SPREADING!!!!

Can we notice her linebacker stance? I mean, gotta let your balls hang somewhere, amirite ladies?

Oh god, I have to go to bed.

Anyway, I still have a few dozen posts to do before I even come close to being even with Anna. But I hope you all had fun.