Fashion It So

The Measure of a Man - 2.9

This was one of the episodes shown at last Thursday’s FATHOM EVENT “A Celebration of Season 2”, which - in case you weren’t there - was CRAZY FUN. Everyone laughed at Wesley, the bloopers they showed were so funny I cried real tears, and one of my friends tried to get a hot dog but ended up with hot dog sliders, which are apparently a real thing. 

The notable thing about this episode in this format was that it had EXTRA MINUTES that weren’t aired originally, but were restored along with the rest of it for the Season Two Blu-ray release. I think it’s fair to say that the cuts they made were smart, but it was cool to see the extra scenes.

The other thing about this episode is that it is incredibly boring from a fashion perspective. It’s all uniforms plus Guinan. Not a lot going on. But we will see what we can find. I mean, this isn’t a terrible way to begin: 

Jaunty

I like Data’s commitment to appropriate accessories, and also that he and Scrooge McDuck are the two TV characters referenced on this Wikipedia page.

The nice thing about the two episodes shown on the big screen (this one and Q Who) was that there was a decided lack of this gal:

Bleeeehhhhhhhhh

Get out of here with that AC Slater hair, Pulaski!!

Okay, so the real thing going on this episode is that the Enterprise is kickin’ it at a new Starbase, where Picard runs into what the Memory Alpha synopsis calls “a longtime friend”:

Friends listen to Endless Love in the dark

Based on the sexual tension their interaction is positively STEEPED in, this is not just a friendship, y’all. They have been to the bone zone and back again FOR SURE. 

What we’re going for is Nancy Reagan, but sexy? I hope that makes sense

Captain Phillippa Louvois, as this lady is called, is rocking a cloud of hair that any woman politician would be proud to sport. A little sassy, a little business-y, and a lot of hairspray. She’s getting shit done. She is the JAG officer for the new Starbase, a term which always sounds like “jagoff” at first.

The other guests on this episode are also in uniform:

They practiced this facial expression together for hours

Admiral Nakamura, played here by the snowman from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, is wearing a FANCY uniform top because he’s an admiral. Commander Maddox, a cyberneticist, is wearing blue because of science. Commander Maddox is the villain in this episode, as though you couldn’t already tell from his FACE:

Lee Pace + Pure Evil = this guy

He might be a really nice guy, but there is no getting around that he has a villain’s face. He and the guy in this episode could have an evil glare-off. Everyone is very suspicious of him:

He is testing the limits of Picard’s brow-furrow

Turns out they SHOULD be suspicious, because he wants to dismantle Data and study him for the purposes of developing more androids just like him. But since this would involve downloading Data’s memories and then re-uploading them back to Data later, Data (and everyone else) is not super-into this plan. However, due to some bureaucratic shenanigans, he compels Data to submit, at which point, Data RESIGNS from Starfleet.

Do androids dream of electric Tasha Yars

There’s no fashion in this shot, but LOOK AT THAT BAG. It’s like a Caboodles and a duffel bag had a baby, and I want it so bad.

The rest of the episode involves a trial to determine whether Data is a sentient being, which means it basically turns into a George Bernard Shaw play: lots of talking, and very few clothes. Also, this:

Strong like bull

However, we do get a little bit of fashionaction when Guinan shows up.

Her hat has a secret Braille message embedded in it

I am fairly sure this hat is the hat from this episode in “Dusty Grape Now ‘n’ Later” instead of “Nerf Orange”, but in this episode the top doesn’t also have the mumps detailing. I sort of like the mumps on the top as well. Ties it all together.

But yeah, that’s pretty much it. Though it was really great when Data was judged to be sentient and everyone in the theater clapped.

There is also a delightful moment at the end where Picard asks Captain Louvois to dinner by shouting, “Phillippa! Dinner.” And she is like:

And he is like:

And everyone in the audience was like “YEAHHHH BOYEEEEE”

Screenshots for this episode from trekcore.com!

A Celebration of Season 2 - TNG on the BIG SCREEN

Don’t forget! TNG at the movie theater this Thursday, 11/29 at 7pm! I (Anna) will be attending in a jumpsuit, so if you’re in NYC, please say hi. Charlie can’t go because he lives in the wilderness (but he can go to Waffle House whenever he wants, so you win some you etc).

Elementary, Dear Data - 2.3

There are a handful of categories into which most episodes of TNG can be grouped. There are the Somebody New On Board types, where someone comes on the ship for [reasons] and shenanigans ensue. There are the This Planet Be Crazy episodes, where the crew goes to a planet for [reasons] and shenanigans ensue. There are the Picard Must Face It Alone episodes, and the Q Acts Like a Dick episodes, and and a few other categories that can be mixed and matched to form the delicious cocktail that is TNG.

And then there are the holodeck episodes.

I know they’re dumb. But people can like dumb things. Look how much everyone loves Ryan Lochte. I like Barclay, and I like Picard in a fedora and I even like Data in the Wild West even though that episode was so, so stupid, because when else are we going to get to see Brent Spiner dressed as a saloon wench?

But this episode actually addresses some interesting philosophical points about the artificial intelligence that the holodeck can create (also: YOUR COMPUTER IS REALLY POWERFUL, GUYS). As usual, if you want good analysis and plot details, check out the AV Club review. We’re here to talk about clothes. And hair!

Tell me who/Can break my heart as much as you

Yes, it’s that friend or cousin or whoever from Mad About You again (or, technically, for the first time, as this episode predates her other appearance). We also saw her in The Emissary (a Somebody New On Board ep), but with a more subdued hairstyle. Maybe in Engineering, bouffants held together by Aqua Net and dreams are more de rigeur than they are on the bridge.

Anyway, we’re here to see Geordi and Data play Sherlock Holmes:

I wish he’d steampunked his VISOR a little more

They suit up in some period-appropriate attire, with Geordi in a nice wheat-colored three-piece suit and Data in a smoking jacket:

Girl, that’s a bathrobe

The thing about Data choosing to wear a smoking jacket here is that one would not wear a smoking jacket outside of one’s home. Is he expecting not to have to leave Holmes’ apartment to solve whatever mystery comes up? In any event, it is tapestryriffic and has a rope for a belt. Additionally, the quilting on the collar is PRETTY intense:

Batting the hatches

Batting is the stuff you put inside a quilted thing to make it quilted. That was a quilting joke. LOOK, THEY CAN’T ALL BE WINNERS.

Data, being a machine, learns violin real quick and plays it as Holmes:

Pretty good, but he’s no Cumberbatch

So Geordi and Data are just kind of kickin’ it at 221B, waiting for a case, when one appears:

Allow me to introduce my friend, Pringles Man

These are some pretty nice standard man outfits for the time. The fellow on the left in the earth tones is a little less fancy than the fellow on the right, both in outfit and mustache, and while I know in my head it’s not true, my heart wants to believe that the tie he’s wearing is leopard print.

Data, having memorized the whole Holmes series, recognizes the story right away and “solves” it, and Geordi gets all pissed because he didn’t actually solve anything. They go to Ten-Forward to talk it out behind some wonderful extras:

“Hi. My hair looks like a hedgehog. You into it?”

“Hahahahaha oh my god, no.”

As Geordi and Data are discussing the “case” they just “solved,” who should overhear them but:

I hate you and your ass face

Ughhhhhh. So Pulaski is like “Data can’t really solve a mystery because he’s incapable of deductive reasoning” and Geordi is like “bitch, don’t talk about my friend like that” and she is like “FINE, YOU WANNA GO” and then Geordi shoots lasers out of his VISOR and kills her.

Okay, none of that happened except the first part. So they agree to return to the holodeck to see if Data really CAN solve a Holmes-type mystery.

This time, Data is ready to step out in true Holmes style:

A cape within a cape. In-cape-tion

And yes, yes, I’m sure you all know that the deerstalker cap was never mentioned by name in the stories and added by illustrators and then popularized when Sherlock Holmes movies started to be produced, but let’s be real: it’s a motherfucking Sherlock Holmes hat. He has to wear it.

Pulaski, for her part, actually turns it out pretty good in a scarlet ensemble, complete with fancy/tiny hat:

The brooch is filled with opium

I particularly enjoy the shoulder action here. Appropriate for both Holmesian times and the late 1980s.

Twas brillig, in the Tovey Mews

So off they go to actually solve a mystery, instead of just to see Data remember the ending of a Holmes story. Based on the silhouette and sleeves we’re seeing here on Pulaski, I’m guessing we’re looking at an 1880s Holmes timeline, although I can tell you right now that if she’s wearing a corset under there, which I doubt she is, it is wrong. Seeing two separate boobs at this time was not a thing. (This episode, incidentally, was nominated for an Emmy for Outstanding Costume Design. There is a lot of good work here, just not in Pulaski’s underthings.)

We get to meet a few delightful holodeck characters:

ALLO GUVNAH

I think I wore a velvet version of that cap in both a production of Oliver! in which I played an urchin, and a video I made recreating the opening credits of Blossom.

You heard me, a cape AND a coat

I actually really like this type of coat but it’s like, come on, how many layers of overthings do you need? Two condoms don’t work better than one.

Feathers = prostitute

That is SO MUCH SHOULDER showing. But I am VERY interested in the bedraggled-Muppet looking feather boa draped upon her, as well as the Lina Lamont-style corsage on her left boob. I feel like I could probably incorporate those both into my everyday look.

But who is that peeking around the corner?

Hair by MacGyver

It’s the delightfully droll Daniel Davis, whom you may know as the butler from The Nanny, and who is actually from Arkansas, not England. Now, when I think of Moriarty at this point, I am incapable of picturing anyone but this guy:

Honey, you should see me in a crown

But Daniel Davis does a wonderful job of making this holodeck creation a real character. He also looks great in a top hat, which can be difficult:

Seriously, it’s like they raided Children’s Televison Workshop and made coats for all the hookers

You can tell this lady is a prostitute because her hair is down. SCANDALOUS. Love that hat, though. It’s like a tiny, squished top hat.

So the gist here is that Geordi (OH GEORDI) told the holodeck to create an adversary that could beat Data, so they can test to see if he’s really able to solve a case. The only problem is:

Aw shit

You are NOT supposed to be able to program things, Daniel Davis! You are a computer program!! So this goes from being just a Holodeck Episode to being a The Holodeck is Trying to Kill Us All Episode, which, let’s face it, is most of the holodeck episodes. Some shenanigans ensue that end with Pulaski being kidnapped.

Data decides to go Full Holmes and bust out a magnifying glass that I think should be a LITTLE bigger for maximum comic effect:

Confirmed: this is a shoe

The other night I had this dream where I got some new ankle boots and then I was looking at this fashion forum I belong to and someone posted a link to some ankle boots and while they weren’t EXACTLY the same, they were close enough for me to be like “I MUST BUY THOSE BOOTS,” which I did, because I have a boot problem where I buy A LOT of boots. All of this is to say: I want those booties.

They track Moriarty down (because, of course, he wants to be tracked down), whereupon Moriarty gives them this:

Ummmm you’re not supposed to know about that

There is some discussion of how this is possible, etc. and everyone realizes it’s Geordi’s stupid fault that the guy in the holodeck KNOWS he’s in the holodeck and also now somehow has control of the ship. At this point, there’s really only one man for the job:

Frock (coat) me like a hurricane

This. Dapper. Mother. Fucker. Seriously, why isn’t Patrick Stewart just wearing a frock coat and cravat constantly? Triple snaps. And we get not only JLP working a sweet coat, we also get:

U jelly, Riker? Of course u jelly

Daniel Davis is gonna be so mad when he realizes someone else is wearing a top hat better than he is.

We are also treated to this wonder:

I find dove grey kid gloves to be most intimidating

The only way this could be more delightful is if he’d put his Klingon sash over this whole outfit.

So they go confront Moriarty and tell him that they can save his programming and will work on a way to get him out of the holodeck (though, like, why would they do that) and he releases control of the ship and everything is cool again.

This didn’t fit anywhere else, but Troi’s lip color in this ep is alarming:

It’s called Autumn Sunrise

As with all holodeck episodes, no one learns any lessons about how powerful the holodeck is, nor are any safeguards put into place. All we learn is that Geordi is a dumbdumb and that JLP looks great in a top hat, neither of which is particularly surprising.

The Emissary - 2.20

Friend of the blog Deborah: TNG’s 2.20 episode The Emissary has so many jumpsuits that you should write about but also own and wear often. Also, the introduction of Alexander’s mother. And possibly Alexander’s conception.

Anna: I love Alexander’s mother. She fine.

Deborah: She’s a fierce bitch. I enjoy that aside from the forehead ridges, she could basically walk the runway of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Kind of a Chad Michaels.

These are the kinds of email exchanges I have.

So we open on this season two episode with some of the crew playing poker:

The pokeriest of faces

Is that visor even green? That is not regulation, Data. And since the visors were worn to lessen eyestrain, Data doesn’t even need one since his eyes ARE MACHINES. Still, it’s nice to see him accessorizing.

This cold open (which goes on for a ridiculous amount of time) is in the episode exclusively for the purpose of Worf being able to say “Klingons never bluff.”

The ridges make it difficult to lie

This will become important a little later, but in the meantime, an Admiral needs to talk to everyone:

Admiral Hotdish, reporting for duty

This lady looks like she would roll up to the church potluck with something made entirely of cheeses and cream and tell you how her son was doing at Mankato, right down to that fancy mock turtleneck. I know she’s an admiral, but that hair is somehow not serious enough for me, and her touch of fancy looks ALMOST like rickrack. No wonder they switched up the admirals’ uniforms. Compare it with this lady admiral. Much better.

She is like “we are sending someone to you in a probe” which is basically a space coffin, so everyone knows this person has to get to the Enterprise REAL FAST. Here it is:

I hope you aren’t claustrophobic because I am and I am currently having an anxiety attack

So the crew opens up the little case and who is inside but:

Hey gurl

SUP K’EHLEYR. This half-Klingon hottie is here to look fine and talk in a voice that I’m pretty sure is modeled on a parody of a sex phone worker. Oh, and also be an emissary to this Klingon ship that is full of Klingons who just woke up from suspended animation and think that the Klingons are still at war with the Federation and will attack some planets if they’re not stopped.

Anyway, Dr. Pulaski makes sure she’s okay, but I’m really only mentioning that so I can do this:

MORE LIKE PUKE-LASKI AM I RIGHT

K’Ehleyr emerges from her cocoon, clad in the first of a series of GLORIOUS JUMPSUITS:

If she didn’t have that triangle there, her breasts would be too much for anyone to handle

There is something charmingly retro about this look. The titty triangle puts it a little bit into Mork from Ork territory (p.s. HOW WAS THAT A SHOW), but it smacks of something that would be on Star Trek TOS (in a good way). The grey pattern is functional but interesting, like your grandma’s polio shoe with a racing stripe on it.

At this point, I realized I had taken, like, 50 screenshots of K’Ehleyr’s face, and she makes the best faces of anyone. A small sampling:

Oh Riker You Cad! [tosses hair]

Nuh Uh Girl

I Can See That You’re Talking to Me But I Don’t Much Care

I think you might already know about my love of a good eyebrow, and K’Ehleyr here is really working her Peter Gallagher realness here.

Okay, so girl rolls up and is like “I’m here to TCB” and Worf is like “oh shiiiiiii” because they have a past. Now, I don’t know about y’all, but when I realize my ex-whatever is going to be at a place, I do my darnedest to look bangin’ if I know I’m going to see them. For me, this usually means, you know, putting on mascara and trying not to wear something that will befuddle a straight man. For K’Ehleyr, this means WERQing the SHIT out of another jumpsuit:

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

How is she doing this? Evil magic? There is NO LOGIC that can explain how she can look SO GOOD in a spandex catsuit and LEATHER SHRUG:

That’s a motherfucking leather shrug

Also of note: gold ovals everywhere, including some sort of decorative belt that is serving 0.00 functions, and Hot Bitch Boots that match the catsuit. She also says this: “Worf, we’re alone now. You don’t have to act like a Klingon glacier, I don’t bite. Well, that’s wrong, I do bite.”

She is the best.

So she and Worf have a fight because of their differing value systems (or something), and she storms back to her quarters:

I’m going to change jumpsuits…come get me in 3 hours

I only included this shot because her thighs look incredible, and you can see how high those boots are.

Of course, she’s half-Klingon, so she has a crazy temper, which causes this:

Her hand is not even hurt because she is THE BEST

Deanna, unlikely voice of reason, is like “hey, why don’t you go do an exercise program on the Holodeck instead of destroying your quarters?” So off K’Ehleyr goes in YET ANOTHER DELIGHTFUL ENSEMBLE:

I think Tina Turner wore this to my birthday party

This one is my favorite, I think. It’s to do with the pink, and the asymmetry, and the shoulder pads. She is even making the back work:

Big Shoulders, Little Waist, 9pm Wednesdays on TLC

Edited to add: Reader blackswanm18 asked us: I wonder, where did K’Ehleyr get all those fabulous suits? There was no space in the probe to carry them. Maybe the Enterprise has an entire wardrobe of all Kinglons Fashion? What do you think?

My thoughts on this - and on most of the clothes on the Enterprise - is that the replicators can make them, so as long as you can program the replicator to do what you want, the sky’s the limit in terms of clothes. This does not explain why Lwaxana Troi travels with a comically large suitcase.

She selects a program, Worf’s calisthenics:

Longchamps? Gayyyyyyy

The fifth one down is an exercise program called “Carnival Celebration - Rio de Janeiro, Earth.” I hope it involves doing various tasks in a full showgirl outfit.

Time to blow off some steam with a big hand weapon:

Literally, a hand weapon

Once again, the pattern on that jumpsuit. Look at it. REVEL IN IT. Is it camouflage for the aforementioned Carnival Celebration? Is it a bubblegum spiderweb? It could be so many things.

Although Worf apparently programmed this scene, he had some help from He-Man:

I lost my purple hood earlier and I feel so naked without it

K’Ehleyr has mad fighting skillz, so she defeats the bad guys easily as Worf secretly looks on:

This face means both “impressed” and “farting”

More amazing faces are made:

Shoulders can double as floor mats on wet days

Then, because they are so passionate, they get into a fight amongst themselves:

Sexy fighting?

SEXY FIGHTING!!

The best kind of fighting. And sexing?

Anyway, there is a lot of hand-smelling (seriously), and actual blood is spilt:

Too sexy! I mean fighty! I mean…I don’t know what I mean, just kiss me

So then they bone down in the holodeck. I hope Skeletor wasn’t still there. That guy is into some weird shit.

Afterwards, Worf is like “are we gonna get married now?” and K’Ehlyr is like “HA HA you wish” and there is talk of honor, etc. Poor Worf. Even his own babymama shuts him down.

Back to the “plot” (such as it is) - the Klingon ship guys are all up in the Enterprise’s biz, and they are like “we are attacking you now!!”

I thought that middle guy was a guy from Lost, but he’s not

Here is a nice detail: these Klingons are wearing things that are most definitely of a different style than the Klingons we know. They look like they’ve recommissioned some catcher’s equipment and spray-painted it Intimidating Grey, whereas the modern Klingons:

It took them 20 minutes to get their legs spread correctly

…look like they went nuts at Cabela’s and also a lazer tag emporium.

The absolute best part of Worf’s outfit here is his CAPE VEST:

Pay no attention to the Klingon behind the curtain

Not only is it full and luxurious, it also has an attached backpack:

For, you know, trail mix or whatever

You might be wondering WHY the Klingons are sitting in the captain’s chairs here:

Seriously though what are those poses

Remember earlier when Worf said Klingons never bluff? GUESS WHAT THEY ARE DOING HERE!!! Yes, bluffing. Worf says he’s the captain of the Enterprise and reprimands the other ship for being dumbasses, threatens to blow them up, but doesn’t.

Anyway, everything turns out fine, except that Worf wants to marry K’Ehleyr, and she cannot be contained by stupid things like tradition! Except she kind of loves him too, and they share a nice moment as she is about to transport away:

Nice mani

Of course, we all know that this little encounter results in a 3/4 Klingon baby named Alexander who comes to live on the Enterprise down the line. But for now, he’s just a Klingon, standing in front of a half-human, half-Klingon, asking her to love him. And bite him.

Oh, and this has nothing do to with anything but there are two crew members in this episode that were on staple 90s sitcoms:

Let’s take each others’ hand as we jump into the final frontier

Cleveland…rocks?

Samaritan Snare - 2.17

Listen, we’re all here because we know and love the beauty and wonder that is Star Trek: TNG. But not every at-bat is a home run (oh wait, using a sports metaphor here might be like trying to let musical theater fans know that a show they might be interested in will be premiering the monday after the super bowl… anyway). Maybe better I quote Scully in the X-Files episode where Peter Boyle plays a clairvoyant insurance salesman: asked by Scully to foresee his own death, he says “We end up in bed together.” Scully looks at him witheringly and then says, “Mister Bruckman… there are hits and there are misses. And then there are misses.”

All by way of saying that this episode was a bit of a miss. At one point, Troi actually says, “Would you be suggesting a ruse of some sort?”

Or perhaps you are suggesting a rouge of some sort.

The episode starts with JLP getting into a fight with Pulaski, who I think we can all agree is exhausting.

Wait a second… is this a half mullet? Like, party in the back, and corporate grandma in the front? Sigh.

Anyway, Picard has to go get a medical procedure done, so he’s out for the A story-line. As soon as he leaves, the Enterprise gets a distress signal from some weird aliens.

Now, before I show you this next picture, just scroll back up for a second and look at the finely sculpted eyebrows of Troi and Pulaski, and try and keep that image with you as you brave the next picture.

These are the aliens who are in distress:

Eyebrows by A-List: Dallas

These guys—who are having engineering trouble—are charitably described by the crew as “slow” (at one point Riker actually calls them “throwbacks”) but, like, the Federation are good people. They’re the smart kid in class who’s always lording it over the dumb kids by trying to help out to get in good with the teacher, so of course they’re going to help out these guys. So they send the boy-scoutiest of the crew over to help: Geordi.

In our culture, the only color that complements our sickly pallor is gray-brown.

Basically, these guys are the real-world incarnation of this fella:

“I wish I had a date with a wall.” —Strong Sad

We never see these aliens not on their ship (they had a name but I realized I don’t care and neither should you) so getting a great look at their outfits is pretty tricky, but I think we can all agree there’s nothing to see here. Really, the only vaguely interesting fashion concept happening here is that for a second, in the right light, it kind of looks like their outfits are made out of some crazy-wide-gauge herringbone fabric:

Somewhere, there’s a 1984 Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera that’s missing its upholstery.

These guys even manage to make multiple belts, which I guess is a thing in fashion, look pretty terrible.

I really want to get exorcised about these outfits but just can’t.

Wait a second, did they use plastic North Face buckles in their outfit?

Oh hey, looks like they were able to incorporate that Olds’ seatbelt buckle, too!

I don’t know what that metal centipede sash is, but let’s agree that it’s terrible. Also: buckles to nowhere.

Anyway, these guys try to kidnap Geordi, and there’s an unnecessarily complicated plan to get him back considering that they’re up against morons, and the complicated plan doesn’t even really make sense. All by way of saying I’m bailing on the A-story.

The B-story involves JLP and Wes going to Starbase 515, which means they have to spend six hours together.

I wish that Wes had tried to start a round of “99 bottles of beer”

Wes has to go take some Starfleet exams because he ALWAYS IS TAKING STARFLEET EXAMS. Picard has to get his artificial heart replaced, which was what he was arguing with Pulaski about at the beginning of the ep. This is the other reason this episode was infuriating: all of a sudden Jean-Luc is vain about his artificial heart? First of all, YOUR HEART IS A ROBOT, WHICH MAKES YOU A CYBORG, and that’s awesome. Second of all, if you don’t get it fixed, you’re going to die. It’s nice to know that avoidance is a leading cause of medical problems in the 24th century, too.

The only reason I bring up the B-story is because there are a couple of notable fashions. First, as is always the case on TNG, sometimes the craziest fashions are the drive-bys:

I’m pretty sure that the only other place this color has ever been used is for flyers publicizing the Purim Parade at my old synagogue. Also, “Canary Vest” is my new band name.

But way more bananas than that is what TNG would like us to believe are surgical scrubs in the 24th Century:

Listen guys, instead of using cheap white fabric, or maybe even disposable paper fabric for this messy surgery, let’s get some luxurious red cloth… the color of BLOOOOOD!

It just feels weird. It’s like some sort of cross between Q’s outfit in the Series Premiere and the outfit of Grand Inquisitor Tomàs de Torquemada, my understanding of which is based pretty much entirely on Mel Brooks’ rendition of him. Also, I think that “surgical cowl” is probably a phrase best left uncoined (on the other hand: Surgical Cowl is my new new band name).

I do like that red beanie that Picard is wearing. It gives him a kind of street cred, like he could walk straight out of this operating room and onto the set of The Wire. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’d pay a large amount of money to watch him slinging red-tops in the low-rises.

Anyway, because this is television, there are SURGICAL COMPLICATIONS:

We need more lasers. MORE LASERS!

The people over at ER must have hated Star Trek, because whenever ST needed to do a surgery, they just put someone in that human-sized George Foreman and pointed lasers at a thing. Anyway. DRAMA. Time to call in the big guns!

Nothing quite like coming out of anesthesia and seeing this face:

PULASKI’D!

As a parting gift, I leave you with an image of both the best hair and best facial expression in the episode. Earlier, before Wes and Picard started off on their space/road-trip together, they ran into Geordi and this plucky engineering Ensign:

Her face is technically reacting to the impending awkwardness of Wes having to share a shuttlecraft with Jean-Luc for six hours, but I think more realistically, she’s reacting to how awkward the next 39 minutes of this episode will be.

But way to coif it out, Ensign!

Manhunt - 2.19

Many moons ago, we covered a little episode called Half A Life, featuring Lwaxana Troi and also Cogsworth. In that episode, Lwaxana held up a dress as an option for a date and decided against it. What I said at the time was:

The fact that she holds this dress up to see if she wants to wear it but DOES NOT IN FACT WEAR IT is one of the great disappointments of my life. If ONLY we had gotten to see her in this dress. Do you see that neckline? It looks like a medieval torture device as reimagined by Alexander McQueen (RIP, homeboy).

But! As our friend tangerinefromhell points out, SHE DOES WEAR THIS DRESS. In a second season episode - this episode, in fact. TANGERINEFROMHELL WE LOVE YOU.

LOOK HOW GLORIOUS:

The role of Grimace will be played by an 18th century noblewoman

So much shiny! So much purple! This is a woman who knows how to make an entrance into the transporter room, y’all. And the neck detailing? C’est magnifique:

The two best parts of Mardi Gras: beads and titties

That is a BOLD neckline, even for the Daughter of the Fifth House, Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx, Heir to the Holy Rings of Betazed. And this is not even as scandalous as it gets! She is actually wearing a LAMÉ ROBE. When it comes off:

Sleeves, but not too much sleeves

You think it’s a halter, but then NO. You are treated to WEIRD SLEEVES. It’s like the inverse of a cap sleeve. A pac sleeve? A sap cleeve? Whatever it is, I’m doing it to all my tops.

Quick plot rundown: the Enterprise is transporting some diplomats (of course) and agree to give Lwaxana a ride somewhere. The diplomats look like this:

Pulaski should be demoted to Fish Alien Wrangler

That is some old-school creature shop shit right there. I mean, that head is amazing, but it would not be out of place in a drive-in movie in 1955. It makes me want to get a milkshake with two straws and then make out in a car that gets 7 miles to the gallon. And their outfits look like someone’s homemade “shower” Halloween costume. We don’t spend too much time with them, though, since they’ve been transported in a catatonic state and even if they did wake up, they’d be looking at fucking Pulaski and would want to go right back into it.

We have other guest stars to deal with, though. Besides our girl Majel, we also have:

And I saw my reflection in a transporter beam

Hahaha! What! I will have you guys know that I spent the whole episode waiting for Mick Fleetwood to show up and then it turned out that HE IS ONE OF THOSE FISH ALIENS. Smooth move, Fleetwood. Smooth move.

So Lwaxana beams aboard, complimenting Picard’s legs in her brazen way. They’re pretty nice, I’ll give her that:

Bootsox® - The Boots That Are Also Socks

If there’s one kind of footwear that can really make a man look super sexxxy, it’s SPANDEX BOOTSOX.

And since Lwaxana is here, she’s brought her faithful servant, Mr. Homn, resplendent in a shiny jumpsuit:

I’ve never wondered what Lurch would look like if he joined La Bouche and now I never will

I like to see a large man rocking a print. I also like to see:

Imagine if your boss stood like this

There’s no fashion commentary here, I just think this is super-awkward.

So Lwaxana invites Picard to have dinner with her under the pretense of a “diplomatic meeting.” LITTLE DOES HE KNOW that she has other plans for this dinner. But he shows up at the appointed time in his Dignitary Minidress with a bottle of Windex:

I’ll clean your mirrors anytime

The pattern on Mr. Homn’s…whatever that is is actually quite pretty and would not be out of place on a formal kimono, or curtains for a Princess Bed. Mr. Homn doesn’t totally understand the bottle of Windex present Picard has brought, though:

Chug chug chug chug

Now, if you were hosting a diplomatic dinner that was actually a pretense to seduce the captain of a starship, what would you wear? Shut up, whatever you said is wrong. Because Lwaxana is not to be trifled with, sartorially or otherwise:

Renaissance woman

Not only does she wear a gown of rich burgundy velvet (the fabric that says “stroke me”), she strikes this pose:

The more you resist, babe, the more it delights her

The general atmosphere of “do me” is heightened by further adventures in decolletage:

Take the plunge

I would have included a nice necklace there to draw the eye down to where you want it (right in the cleave), but this looks good. Unfortunately for LT here, Picard is not having it. He doesn’t even want to play footsie:

I like to imagine “Secret Lovvvvaaaaahhsss” playing in the background

The one area where Lwaxana does not usually go insane (and where I usually do…I mean I own these) is footwear. Look at those sensible ballet flats! Probably best, though, since the shoes would be covered up anyway.

So it turns out that Lwaxana is deep within what Betazoids call THE PHASE, which is sort of like menopause, maybe, except that it makes you super-horny and your eyes get real dilated:

Lwaxana went on to a career in anime modeling

When Deanna figures out that this is what’s going on, she is like “Captain, you need to HIDE,” so Picard hightails it to:

Dixon Hill, bitches

Why does tying the belt of a trench coat look SO MUCH COOLER than affixing the belt the normal way? So much. And it doesn’t hurt that this man can just really wear a fedora:

You can leave your hat on

There is a Dixon Hill storyline that doesn’t really matter except that his secretary looks fierce:

If only it wasn’t fucking BEIGE on top

Those shoulderpads are everything to me, first of all. I do wish the color scheme was a little less WAC and a little more USO girl, but I love how it’s belted, and the pencil skirt is great. And that hair! She’s no Leah Brahms, but it’s pretty amazing:

They couldn’t get Victoria Jackson

So many curls! The curl density in that thing is approaching Brian Krakow levels.

Also, this is their bartender:

Guys who wear suspenders #cangetit

I spent 15-20 seconds trying to figure out if this was somehow Mick Fleetwood.

While Picard is hiding, Lwaxana is storming around pissed in yet another shiny gown:

In the future, scrunchies are refashioned into sashes because they are otherwise useless

Another day, another patterned lamé, that’s Lwaxana’s deal.

She decides that since she can’t find Picard, she’s going to marry Riker. Sure.

He really does not look appropriately terrified

First of all, L-Train, that is your daughter’s man. That is not right. Second, look! It’s the inverse cap sleeves again! Someone in the wardrobe department likes consistency, and I LIKE THEM. They apparently also like wrapping paper, because that dress is straight from the Factory Card Outlet.

Riker goes to the holodeck to tattle on Lwaxana, who easily finds both Picard and Riker by asking the computer where they are. There is no privacy on the Enterprise, folks. Before she goes to retrieve her man, though, she changes yet again:

You’ll love David’s Bridal

This one is the only one I feel goes off-course this episode. The other gowns looked like LWAXANA. This one looks like Joan Collins. Although I suppose if LT had a fashion twin in our own time, Collins would be close to it. The shoulders alone are pure 1986 glamour:

You’ve heard of leg-of-mutton sleeves, now try cabbage sleeves

How many yards of fabric is that? I’m betting if you laid it all out, you could play football on it.

So LT goes to fetch her man, but at the last minute, transfers her loyalties to the handsome bartender, not realizing he’s an illusion. But she gets to enjoy a nice drink with a guy who’s into her, which is always nice:

Better to be overdressed than underdressed

But what about the fish aliens? Why were they even on this episode?

You can go your own way

Worf calls them “handsome” at one point, which is sort of sweet, but then Lwaxana comes back, and since her ladyboner for Picard has all but vanished, her mind is clear again and she’s able to tell the crew that the fish aliens have a mind to bomb the conference they’re about to go to. BOOM. BETAZOIDED.

After she drops that truth bomb on everyone, she heads for the transporter herself, but only after returning to the work of art that brought us here:

Does not pass TSA requirements

And luckily for us, we get an additional rear shot not pictured at the beginning of the episode, so we can glory in this wonderful train:

It’s like every day is my wedding day

The moral of the story being, I suppose, is that ladyboners can be distracting and you can never have too much lamé.

The Dauphin - 2.10

We join the Enterprise this episode as they are preparing to retrieve a young ruler from the planet where she’s been living her whole life to take her back to her home planet. The exile planet looks like this:

He who smelt it, etc.

However, the lady they are picking up and her governess look totally normal, not like people who would enjoy living on what appears to be a sulfurous gas cloud:

Pretty feet

First of all: YES. Another bonkers jumpsuit. We’ll address more specifics later, but for now, just focus on the silhouette. Why is the waist in such a weird place? Why are there so many pleats around her hips? Is she wearing matching shoes or is this a footie pajamas? And then there’s her lady-in-waiting, who’s also just dripping in fabrics:

Don’t you look at Picard like that

The fall color palette does suit them both nicely, I suppose, but Frog Lady looks like she wishes she had hair and tried to make a wig out of spandex. Princess Salia’s top has an interesting neckline, but what’s with the chestplate? Maybe it’s a chastity belt that only works for second base. First base? I don’t know what the bases are.

Salia is also rocking a half-pony with:

3-pack for $4.99 at Walgreens

…a Goody barrette. I almost called it a Sam Goody barrette, but I guess that would be, like, a CD. And it looks like SOMEONE’S a fan of the Topsy Tail.

So the princess heads off to her quarters, and who should espy her in the hallway but young Wesley Crusher:

Buh buh buh buh

She gives him one of these:

Her whole life is a Cover Girl ad

And he responds with one of these:

Buhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Neither his face, slack-jawedness, or mock turtleneck deter the lovely Salia, however, and she stops to chat for a moment:

Not an awkward convo at all

She’s all like “that’s a magnet” and he’s all “yes” and then she’s like “this is how magnets work” and he is probably like, trying to use that magnet as a boner shield. However, governess lady is not having it:

Cockblockin’ beats

I like how Riker is like “ooooooh, you’re in troubllllllleeee.” But it’s okay, Wesley apparently was charming enough to warrant another over-the-shoulder glance:

Enjoying the view

Recall, however, that this young lady has been raised in isolation, and Wesley is the first living thing around her age that she’s seen. She is the Frederick to his Ruth (Pirates of Penzance reference, what WHAAAAAAT).

So of course, Wes is like “nailed it” and goes to make sure his outfit looks good:

Rico Suave

Guess what, Wesley: you never look good. Just do the best you can with that weird, possibly foam-rubber jumpsuit. (As always, Wesley Crusher does not equal Wil Wheaton. I mean…you guys have seen The Guild, right? WATCH THE GUILD YOU GUYS HE IS PRETTY SEXY IN IT)

Oh, and even though I knew this was a second-season episode, I saw this and barfed everywhere:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

If there’s one thing I wish today’s digital technology could do, it’s fix the second season so that Pulaski never appears in it. That, or play “Brick House” every time I walk into a room.

Let’s talk a little bit more about governess lady:

Ribbit

One thing that’s not immediately apparent in some of the other shots is this vest. I’m sort of into it, maybe? It reminds me a little bit of this coat that my current favorite for Project Runway season 9 (based solely on his name) Gunnar Deatherage shows in his casting video in that it’s sort of swingy and big and has a lot of movement. But that swim cap has got to go.

It actually turns out that EVERYTHING has got to go, including her face and body, because the next time we see her, she is no longer a frog lady:

She laughed her ass off, literally

I don’t know what sort of optical illusion is occurring to make her look like she has no butt. She totally has a butt:

Pajama Party

And also slashes? Across her thigh?

Skin is in

And also some weird chest cutaways, and what appears to be a fabric snake on each forearm, and also she is Shelly the waitress!

Nubbins

She’s quite pretty, even with that very elaborate side-updo and the jumpsuit that now in close-up is revealed to be some sort of boucle and/or felted situation. Her brows are porn-worthy. But this makes me wonder: if you could look like Madchen Amick all the time, why would you ever want to look like Frog Lady? Seriously, there are not many people who could pull this off:

Even she’s having trouble

But then it turns out that, oh, guess what, she doesn’t look like that normally either, because she changes into:

I call this one “Nightmare Fuel”

Sure. A creepy faux-Ewok with barnacle eyes. THAT’S A THING, SURE. But Salia seems okay with it:

Usually I would say KISS HER but…no

Do you think the beds on the Enterprise can be programmed to match your sheets to your outfit? And why isn’t this technology currently available to me?

Meanwhile, Wesley is fucking shit up in Engineering:

Pure consternation

Wesley is having trouble concentrating because of all the boner juice flowing through his young body, and makes some mistakes. Geordi, ever sensible, tells him to just go talk to the girl.

No-nonsense

On the one hand, fine. Wesley’s got a case of the butterfingers, nothing too urgent is needed, and he goes home. But if everyone in the world took, like, horny days off of work, what would we get done? Nothing. Maybe we would make, like, some post-coital waffles. That’s pretty much it. Downfall of society due to boner juice.

With his time off, Wesley decides to query some trusted crew friends about how to approach the girl he likes. First, Worf:

Fix yo grill, son

Klingon mating calls are terrifying, especially to young Crusher:

B-b-b-b-buhhhhhhh

Wesley is like “uh no thank you,” but it’s too late; Worf is already off on some Klingon fantasy that probably involves swords and definitely poetry:

Nightmare Fuel 2

Salia and her metamorphosing companion are still chilling in their quarters when Picard calls, so Frog Lady/Shelly/Poor Man’s Ewok runs to hide:

Peek

I just think this is funny.

She (he?) shifts back into her known form, Frog Lady:

I’m bald underneath

I just noticed that the fabric snakes on Shelly’s forearms are echoed here on Frog Lady’s head. The arm placement worked a lot better, girl. Also: is that headpiece made of a bath mat? I say yes.

Frog Lady’s main job is to keep Salia safe, and for whatever reason, she considers Wesley a threat, though he is a tiny manchild.

Wesley, for his part, is still doing research into how to talk to girls, so he goes to the Enterprise’s answer to Mystery, William Riker:

Son, you have a lot to learn. First: beards

Will shows Wesley some of his technique on Guinan, who is far too wise to be taken in by such nonsense, but willing to play along:

Tell me you love my hat

What I like about Guinan is how cohesive everything is. The fabric on the sleeves matches the hat, everything is related color-wise, but not too related, and also her hat may or may not be able to hold a whole pizza.

At this point, Wesley realizes that no one on the ship is better at scoring tail than Riker, and goes to make his move.

Who’s at my door?

Green light for Wesley

Kinda creepy, dude

Wesley shows her how to use the food replicator, which basically entails him saying “You tell it what you want, and the replicator makes it.” No romantic baking-cookies-together montages in the future! Sad. They order some chocolate mousse, but apparently, no spoon:

Suggestive

Settle down, everyone. I know this is TOO STEAMY.

Meanwhile, Frog Lady and Worf are walking around the ship and Frog Lady finds out that someone has some sort of contagious disease. She demands that the patient be killed to protect Salia:

Kill the doctor instead, I say

All I know is I want pants made of that blanket, and then I want to go to Vegas.

So Frog Lady is like “KILL THE PATIENT” and Pulaski, in a rare display of common sense, is like “uh…no,” so Frog Lady turns into THIS THING:

Poor Man’s Wookiee

Haha, what? I don’t mean to disparage the work of Michael Westmore and his team here, but guys. Yes, this thing is scary because it’s, like, huge, but also it is really hilarious-looking and clearly was rented from Hal’s Halloween Superstore.

Pulaski calls for security backup, and who appears?

They call me Ensign Tibbs

Circa 1966 Sidney Poitier here shows up WITH CAPTAIN PICARD, which seems a) unnecessary and b) unlikely, as they literally appear, like, ONE second after Pulaski calls for backup. Also arriving:

Whoaaaaa

Two security guys who apparently traveled here via wind tunnel, based on their hair.

At this point, everyone is like “um Frog Lady is KIND OF DANGEROUS” and she is restricted to her quarters. Salia, however, is off on the holodeck with Wesley:

I feel like we’re the only people in the wo—oh wait

Now, this girl is pretty and young and I am SURE her booty is just fine. But this jumpsuit is doing NOTHING for her. This is a severe case of pancake butt, and I am sorry, girl.

After their asteroid visit, they go to Ten-Forward, where Guinan’s outfit is still great:

More chocolate mousse, guys? You’ll spoil your dinner

Seriously, what is Guinan wearing? It’s like a half-shirt-with-partial-sleeve, and I kind of love it:

She ain’t even need eyebrows to raise them

Is it a kimono? With a very thick taffeta…shirt? Is that a shirt? With a single raglan sleeve? Where are the fasteners? How long does it take to put on/take off? All good questions that I may never know the answers to. Let’s just enjoy this nice color, because it looks real good on her.

This whole time, the princess has been sad about the fact that she has this duty to which she must return and how she’ll never see the galaxy and stuff, and it culminates with her running away and Wesley chasing after her:

Shut up shut up shut up

Again, pancake booty. One thing I will say about this jumpsuit in its favor is its great movement. She really gets some nice swinging in from the things hanging off the shoulders as she runs away in sadness.

Furrowed brow

Here we have a great look at that chestplate/chastity armor, as well as the great draping on her neckline. Show off them clavicles, girl!

Wahhhhh

And here we have a great look at ACTING.

So she runs off, never to see Wesley again, and he is sadsies:

Womp womp

I actually don’t know what he’s holding in his hand, but doesn’t it look like a small version of his OWN HAND? Creepy.

Meanwhile, on the bridge, this lady is looking GOOD:

Miss Universe

She looks a little bit like Leslie Mann, if Leslie Mann was playing a beauty queen who just wants to win one last pageant before her unintended pregnancy renders her ineligible for “Miss” status. Her hair helmet is smooth.

The princess decides she was too hard on Wes, who is playing Sad Solo Battleship Chess in his quarters:

B-5? You sunk my…my heart

But Salia comes to say hello and we get this wondrous shot:

Unnecessary

Who thought this was ok?? Also, Wes looks like a gymnast who’s just dismounted the pommel horse, Good form, Crusher. But still: I did not need this in my eyes.

So they sit and they chat and blah blah blah SMOOCHES:

No tongue

They do all right for themselves, considering one has been exiled to a deserted planet her whole life, and one is Wesley Crusher, Awkward Teen.

Unfortunately, the makeout sesh is interrupted by a very angry Frog Lady:

TRUE LOVE WAAAAAIIIIIIITS

Pro tip: if your boner becomes unwieldy and uncontrollable, just arrange for a scary, yet somehow hilarious monster to barge in.

Boner-killer

BUT THEN: if your boner is persistent, just have the girl you were JUST MAKING OUT WITH turn into an EQUALLY SCARY yet STILL FAIRLY HILARIOUS monster:

You may recognize me from my Bigfoot special

Someone took the robot from Iron Giant and covered it in hides.

So now WESLEY is the one who runs away screaming, and more Teen Drama ensues, culminating in a scene in which Wes leans jauntily against a door frame to show how little he cares:

My stance is chill, brah

He literally, at this point, says to her, “I loved you!” which is some serious Romeo and Juliet shit and it’s like, shut up, no you didn’t, it was just all that boner juice.

Anyway, they make up, and she is like “sorry I didn’t tell you I’m a shape-shifter, my real form is hella crazy,” and he like “let me see it” and she is like “no…well, okay.” Turns out she’s a light being?

A light being with a shawl collar

And Wesley is like all in awe and stuff, while Riker looks on proudly at what I’m sure he sees as his protege:

I’ve boned light beings too, son

So everything is neat and tidy, except that poor Wesley has now lost his first “love.” To cure his heartbreak, he heads over to Ten-Forward for a drink:

Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen

Of seltzer water. Boringgggggggg!!

Guinan gives him some nice advice - that he’ll be sad for a while, but he’ll be okay, and that no, he’ll never actually feel this way again, because each person you love is different, etc. etc. etc. All this while wearing:

Purple’s a flavor

A modified pope hat and what appears to be some sort of down comforter in jacket form. Work it out, girl.

And just so you don’t forget:

Peek

2.05 - Loud as a Whisper

This episode finds the Enterprise (surprise, surprise) transporting some sort of highly-coveted arbitrator, a la Judge Judy, named Riva, to help two warring planets finally make peace after centuries of war. The first thing we see is neither fashion- nor arbitration-related, but I love it anyway:

What the hell is THESE orbits

What is happening with that one orbit?! And where can I get one of these planetary system projections for my coffee table? (Note: I do not actually own a coffee table.) When even Picard is like “wtf,” you know that orbit is wonky.

But on to the main thrust of our story. Troi, as she is wont to do, accompanies Picard and Worf down to fetch Riva. For this occasion, she has decided to coat her lips in molten bronze:

It only burns for a second and then I look beautiful

Troi is very, very pretty, to be sure, but I really think she’s more of a winter than an autumn. That bronze is far too warm (and shiny) for her face. I did color me beautiful in seventh grade home ec; I am qualified to make these calls.

They meet Riva, about whom I can’t decide which joke to make:

So many possible jokes

1. He’s a lumberjack from a tropical island (note: joke stolen from warm-up guy at the taping of the Colbert Report that Charlie and I went to last week)
2. Something something “Footloose” blah blah “Danger Zone”
3. Jesse Tyler Ferguson looks really different with the beard

I think Ginger Kenny Loggins here needs a haircut (ya damn hippie) and maybe a beard-maintenance lesson from Riker, but overall he looks pretty appropriate for a universally-desired arbitrator guy:

Seriously, what’s with the too-short sleeves again

Mayyyyyyyyyybe a little too many pleats on the sleeves. If you took out just ONE pleat, your sleeves would actually be long enough! But I think it makes sense for him to be in all whites and neutral grey. Very dignified. 10 Dignity Points.

So Picard and Troi start to talk to him, and are surprised to learn that Riva is a deaf-mute with a Chorus of telepathic mouthpieces that do all his speaking for him:

We felt like togas were a little too on the nose, you know? What with being a Chorus and all

He needs three translators, because DUH, he can’t possibly use the same translator to speak about scholarly interests AND discuss war AND seduce sexy ladies. He’s not William Riker, jeez.

So we have the Scholar:

The sleeve ruffles make me feel closer to Riva

The scholar apparently went to France junior year and started wearing a beret because he thinks it makes him look smart, and everyone tells him it looks great, but really, everyone thinks it just makes him look like a dick. Also, I think the dress he’s wearing (oh, it’s definitely a dress) was recycled from the BBC miniseries of Pride and Prejudice. That empire waist is Austen-era FOR SURE.

Then we have the guy who is credited as “Passion/Warrior/Anarchy of Lust” in the Memory Alpha post about this episode:

My hair gets puffier as I get lustier

Okay, first of all, this guy only ever speaks to Troi. WE GET IT. TROI IS HOT. In everyone’s defense, if I was as hot as her, and I lived on a starship that put me in contact with a bunch of dudes I’d never see again, I would definitely take advantage of the situation. Also I would get it on with Riker a lot more than she does. There are at a MINIMUM, seven holodecks on the Enterprise, and you know at least one of them is devoted to freaky shit. I’m just saying.

Boner-camouflaging pants: crucial for the Anarchy of Lust thing

For someone who is supposed to represent passion, this is not a very sexy outfit. It looks so complicated! So many layers! Layers are obstacles to nakedness. Do not want.

Then we have the sole lady member of the Chorus, who describes herself as “that which ties the other things together; harmony.” So, what, because she’s a woman, she doesn’t get her own title? She’s just there to, like, make sure the dudes don’t get too rowdy? Come on, 24th century, get some better gender roles:

Probably purchased at InnuWindow, which is a play on “innuendo,” which doesn’t make any sense

Like the scholar, Harmony is saddled with a re-used costume, but hers is a valance from the tropical lumberjack shed that Riva spends his winters in. Riva needs to dress his chorus better.

So Riva greets everyone, which goes something like this:

You’ve been working out

Note: he does not greet Troi this way. Save that for later, croquaaaaaaayyyyy?

Speaking of Troi, Riva asks her to have dinner, and at first, the Lust of Anarchy guy is there with them, translating, which is understandably awkward. So he bounces, and Troi and Riva try to find their own method of communication:

At least we know he’s good with his hands

Is this ASL? Are they still using it in 2367? Also, how in the HELL would Troi figure out that these gestures mean what they mean? I mean, I don’t know sign language, so these could very well be the signs for all of these things, but other than “on top,” none of them seem readily guessable by someone who doesn’t know how to sign, yet Troi guesses all of them correctly. I’m going to let you wonder about why “on top” was even a phrase Riva brought up.

Riva, having romanced the lady, proceeds to the planet where he will be doing the negotiation. Key to this scene is that the two warring factions make it VERY CLEAR that they want to speak ONLY TO RIVA. Here is one faction’s crew:

Girl, you need some V05 Hot Oil ASAP

Yet another style from the re-used costume bin: these guys just cut up some old catcher’s vests, threw on some gardening gloves, and called it a day. Seriously, someone took advantage of the sale on matte gold spray paint at Michael’s that week:

My She-Ra doll has a necklace just like that

These guys show up first and are very skittish. I would be nervous too, if I’d showed up to represent my WHOLE PLANET to end a centuries-old war and my hair looked like that. You couldn’t take one second to make sure you didn’t look like part of the ‘93 Phillies lineup? (Mitch Williams: mullet. Mickey Morandini: mullet. John Kruk: glorious mullet.)

Michelin man, is that you

Then the other faction shows up, and it turns out the first guys needn’t have worried, because their hair is just as tragic AND their vests are made of old tires. So they’re on an even playing field, at least.

The thing with these two planets is that they’re a little primitive, and thus don’t understand the whole deal with Riva and his translating Chorus. So when the chorus starts to speak, one of the factions shoots at Riva - but nails his Chorus with the lasergun instead:

zapped.jpg

I’m sorry, but I have only one word for this series of screencaps: LOLOLOLOLOL. You can see their skeletons!! This is the height of CGI for the time, I’m sure, so I won’t hate, but it’s really one of the more hilarious things that’s ever happened on any planet. It’s like: surfing squirrel, this, box cat. Total hilarity.

So Riva is like “oh shit, my Chorus!” and starts to freak out that he won’t be able to do his job, but Picard basically does a Picard version of “get a hold of yourself, man!”

Kiss him!!!

And Riva realizes that since neither warring faction knows sign language, he’ll teach it to both of them, and somehow the learning together will bring peace? I’m not really sure how the plan is supposed to work, but he seems confident. Must be all the sleeve pleats.

2.12 - The Royale

This episode starts like many an episode: the Enterprise is doing something boring, and they encounter something MYSTERIOUS. This time, it’s space debris, which obviously, they beam aboard, because I know when I see an unidentified piece of trash floating in the rivers of sludge that grace the subway system, for example, my first instinct is to go pick it up. Sometimes I taste it.

The debris turns out to be this:

Don’t touch that, you don’t know where it’s been

Jigga-whaaaaaaaat? Where did this piece of NASA come from? Clearly, NASA has not been around for centuries. To add to the mystery, the Enterprise is orbiting a planet with one tiny area of atmosphere that’s hospitable to humans, with the rest of it being, of course, inhospitable. So off goes the away team of Riker, Worf, and Geordi to check it out.

The planet looks like this:

Hello, Cleveland, we are Floating Torsos

There’s no real reason to include this; I just thought it was funny. AN ENDLESS ABYSS MAKES ME LAUGH, OKAY? More funny is what they see in front of them:

Not weird at all

MORE MYSTERY!! A revolving door that appears to lead nowhere! Let’s go through it!

They go through the door and find themselves in a casino/hotel called THE ROYALE. While the fashions are decidedly 1991, the characters seem like something out of a film noir. You have the skeevy hotel manager:

I just have a skeevy face

This actor, Sam Anderson, always plays a slimeball. I guess there are worse things than being typecast as a slimeball, like actually being a literal slime ball. That would be gross. Anyway, part of the reason you can tell he’s skeevy, besides his face, is his shiny, shiny suitcoat. No one with good intentions wears a coat that shiny. Props for the matching tie and pocket square, though.

We also have the put-upon bellboy:

Thanks for carrying my bags, your tip is: that lapel looks dumb

His entrances are marked with a sexy saxophone riff that would be more in line with a Sam Spade movie than an episode of TNG, because he’s in love with someone named Rita, who is apparently “Mickey D’s girl.” Note to writers: when coming up with a name for a threatening gangster-type person, do not name him after a popular fast food chain. Instead of having the effect of instilling fear into your audience when they hear his name, it just makes them want a McFlurry.

Then we have, as one always must in a casino, an ornery Texan:

He’s not so much a cowboy as he is a cliche of a cowboy

I have two words for you: Bolo. Tie. Bolo ties are the greatest indicator of someone being a cowboy while wanting to remain “businessy.” They are the mullet of neckwear, because they never, ever succeed in making you look anything but dumb and/or like a redneck.

I will say that I enjoy his shoulder patches, however.

After the away team meets the Texan, they watch him walk away in completely characteristic ways for each of them:

Worf: General anger
Data: Confusion re: humans/emotions
Riker: “Damn, that guy is awesome. Almost as awesome as me.”

We have the down-on-her-luck pretty lady:

Blow on your what now? Oh, dice. Sure

We never see more of her dress than this, which saddens me to no end, but let’s take some joy in what we have: I kind of like it! I do like a halter, and this lady here certainly has nice shoulders and decolletage. The whole “I’m naked but I’m wearing lace but underneath I’m naaaaaaaaaaaked!!” thing is definitely of the time (1991 or so), but I think she’s pulling it off. The hair, however: architectural wonder, yes. Flattering and stylish? No.

Wrapping up our main characters, we have the aforementioned Mickey D, who does not arrive on the scene until Act 4:

Those coat sleeves are purely for peacocking

There are not many men who can pull off a white, double-breasted zoot suit with a weird break in the pant, white shoes, and a patterned shirt. And by “not many” I mean “none,” because Mickey here looks like the captain of a gay gangster cruise ship. Look at this shirt!

This episode of TNG sponsored by International Male’s Fall 1991 line

The only fear that shirt is going to instill in anyone is the fear that they will be hypnotized into a stupor by the pattern and somehow end up on Fire Island.

What happens in the episode is basically that Riker, Worf, and Geordi realize a couple of things:

• the people in The Royale are not emitting life signs
• they cannot leave The Royale
• most of the people do not speak to them
• there is a dead NASA astronaut on a floor above them, thus explaining the debris
• they are actually inside an alien re-creation of a drugstore novel called Hotel Royale that the aliens made for the dead NASA astronaut before he died 238 years ago, which is why everything is so cliched and weird

It’s yet another “oh, season two, you so crazy,” type episode, which I rather enjoy, actually.

But the real gems in this episode are the background artists. There are a LOT of them, because it’s a casino full of people, and they are all wearing gloriously terribly 1991 “I’m fancy and going to the casino” outfits. Some of these screencaps are not so great in the resolution department, since they are all of extras, but what you can see is AMAZING.

First, we have a couple of croupiers/dealers/casino employees.

Marshmallow Fluff Bouffant: artist’s rendering

Jeffrey Dahmer’s dad has done ok for himself

Why the bellhop has a grey/burgundy color scheme happening and these guys have this ruffled monstrosity going on (we never see that lady dealer from the front, but I can GUARANTEE it looks bananas on anyone with even a semblance of a bosom), I cannot say. The nice part for continuity purposes is that any inconsistency can be written off by the fact that this is basically an alien holodeck based on a shitty novel.

There are a lot of sexy ladies in the casino as well:

Either the inspiration for, or inspired by, Disney’s The Little Mermaid

Oh, how I wish I could see the front of this dress! I bet it has a sweetheart neckline. But why are those water wings so low on her arms?

Fly Girl ahead of her time

Another tantalizingly amazing-looking outfit that CANNOT BE SEEN in full. I’m imagining it as a skintight jersey minidress with a diagonal colorblock red stripe across it, and it is so, so bad in the best way. But the real reason this had to be included is that girl is DEFINITELY wearing a SCRUNCHIE. In a GLAMOROUS CASINO. Oh, how times have changed. (Thank goodness.)

Canadian tuxedo

It took me like 5 tries to get any screenshot of this girl; she just walks by once in the background. BUT LOOK. She is wearing MATCHING jeans and jean jacket!! What! And once again, sleeve length is an issue. Come on, aliens, your fake Royale people could at least have clothes that fit.

Morgan Fairchild, is that you

This lady walks around a lot behind the action as well. She’s easy to spot because of her sapphire-blue sequined mother of the bride situation. Here she is again:

If there’s one thing that screams, “Mama needs a new pair of shoes,” it’s a long-sleeved, high-necked sequined cocktail dress, amirite? Casino GLAMOUR.

Of course, in any gambling establishment, you’ll have the old crones taking up space at the slots, and the Royale is no exception:

Octogenarian in 1991 = hipster in 2010

I’m pretty sure there’s someone on the L train right now who wants those glasses in sunglass form, bad. OKAY, IT’S ME. I WANT THEM. Fine, I’m a hipster, except without the knowledge of indie music or low body fat percentage.

Flamenco dancing deer in the headlights

This lady is only ever seen from the neck up, but she has so much going on anyway! Cascading asymmetrical hair! Strange butterfly headpiece! Earrings made of onyx lightbulbs (not terribly effective as lightbulbs, so making earrings out of them is just good sense)! Her facial expression in this screencap is not accidental - she looked like this for much of her 30 seconds of screen time. ACTING.

But there is one extra - excuse me, background artist - that stands out among the crowds. The samples here are only a few of the delights that await you in the Royale, to be sure. But one woman has truly taken Casino Glam to a new level. You see her first, and several times, from the back:

Gold standard

Yes. YES. A dress of gold lame, with a HOOD SCARF of gold lame. I suspect this comes from the same stockpile of shiny fabrics Charlie was referring to in this post. I was worried for a moment that I would never get to see this from the front, but thankfully, Gold Lame Hoodie Lady is TOO FABULOUS TO IGNORE: 

Simply the best

The costume designer must have looked at her and said, “A gold cocktail dress is one thing, but you are TOO FIERCE to only swathe your BODY in gold lame. I must WRAP YOUR ENTIRE PERSON IN IT.” Either that, or the actress was having a bad hair day. Consider your bet wisely, Gold Lame Hoodie Lady, but in my book, you’ve already won.

2.18 - Up the Long Ladder

While I was watching this episode, I thought to myself, “this has to be from the second season…it’s too bananas to be any later, but Riker has a (very sexy) beard.” (I then realized the presence of Dr. “You Ain’t No Crusher” Pulaski should have been enough to tip me off.) And lo and behold! It is, indeed, a second-season episode. Part of the bananas-ness is just the plot itself, which is ridic, but part of it are the number of completely unfinished storylines that are touched on and never returned to.

For example, in the cold open, Worf is shown at his security panel on the bridge, making Klingon discomfort-noises. He then later faints (“Klingons don’t faint,” he complains) and Dr. Pulaski (ugh) keeps it under her hat, so he thanks her by showing her the Klingon Tea Ceremony, which is apparently a thing. All of this happens before the second commercial break. It is then NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN. It doesn’t relate to the rest of the episode, it’s not somehow a parallel, it’s just like “oh, here’s some stuff that happened.”

And the thing is that the A plot is crazy enough that all this Worf business is totally unnecessary. So the Enterprise is, as they are wont to do, driving around being boring when - HEY! A mysterious colony no one knew about! Let’s check it out! They find the colony, which happens to be on a planet that is about to be consumed by solar flares, so they transport the colonists up to the Enterprise, which makes the transporter room look like this:

Hay girl hayyyyyy

Really? They transported buckets? And hay? You expect me to believe that the transporter accidentally brought that hay along? Although I guess if there are GOATS on the Enterprise, you’re going to need hay.

You may have noticed that these people aren’t exactly dressed “futuristically.” That’s because they are the descendants of some colonists who, in 2123, left Earth to create a utopian society that connected back with nature.

This, of course, can mean only one thing: SHAWLS FOR ALL.

So Picard is like “wtf is going on in the transporter room?” and goes there to check it out. This is what he sees:

Cock blocked

I don’t care who you are or if you have ever seen an episode of Star Trek. This image is hilarious. Maybe because chickens are inherently hilarious?

So Picard is like, “who is responsible for these animals?” and the leader of the colony, Danilo, is like “heidy deidy deidy I am.”

This hat: more or less Irish than Jameson? Discuss

As with the Twilight Saga’s obsession with the Trite Native American Stereotype Store, this episode of TNG has done all their research at Irish Stereotype National Headquarters, Inc. All of the colonists (who are Irish for no reason whatsoever) speak with what can only be described as a Lucky Charms leprechaun accent. The leader is an alcoholic. The daughter of the leader is extremely feisty. I’m surprised that no one did an actual jig at any point.

This jacket: more or less Irish than the hat? Discuss

So Danilo, in his ascot and tiger-stripe shirt, and hobo pants with corduroy jacket, asks Picard if he knows what happened to the other colony. See, back in 2123, these colonists shared a spaceship with some other colonists, some more sciencey ones. So Picard is like, “uh, what” and they set off to find this other colony, with a shit-ton of chickens and goats in Cargo Hold 7. 

LOLPicard

“Sometimes you just have to bow to the absurd.” SO TRUE, JLP. So true.

In the meantime, though, it’s time for SexyTimes with William Riker. So remember how the leader of the colony has a feisty daughter? Well, of course she’s super cute:

So feisty she could have a hit song on an Apple commercial

Of course she has a shawl. She loves nature! People who love nature also love shawls!

Even though I’m pretty sure that top is a bodysuit that was purchased at County Seat, I’m a little into it? It’s a good color on her, and that’s a flattering neckline. But the outfit as a whole is very early 90s, and not, as Heidi Klum might say, in a good way.

Riker, of course, is like, “daaaaaaaaaamn.” This is actual dialogue between them:

Brenna: What, have you never seen a woman before?
Riker: I thought I had. [gives sexy eyes]

This is when Jonathan Frakes was auditioning for The Hills

This is supposed to be come-hither, but it’s more like “…….” Brenna responds in kind:

Eyelids…so…heavy…….

I promise you, this was much more romantic on the show. Probably because of the Irish flute playing in the background.

So Brenna, who, like any girl would be, is like “who is this sexy bearded man?” and asks Riker where a girl can wash her feet, revealing a precursor to the current bane of my existence, the gladiator sandal:

Nothing like implying your feet are dirty to get a man interested

Everyone on this colony is wearing LAYER upon LAYER of clothing, always topped with a shawl, and yet they wear SANDALS? Surely in the 300 years they have colonized that planet, SOMEONE learned to cobble. Come on.

So they go on a date, I guess, that involves showing Brenna the many wonders of the Enterprise. I really hope Riker uses that as a pickup line. “I’d like to show you the many wonders of the Enterprise, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.” He takes her back to his quarters, where her date outfit is revealed:

Back to nature means back to crop tops

Yes, your eyes do not lie. That is a straight-up CROP TOP, paired with a voluminous peasant skirt. But wait - it gets better. ENHANCE:

Cable-knit sweaters: Ireland’s lingerie

It’s like the costume designer said to himself, “well, it needs to be sexy…but it also needs to fit into our Stereotypical Irish Design Concept. Bring me something that marries the Aran Islands with Ibiza.” Even the back is elaborate:

Slouchier! I mean sexier! I mean…I don’t know what I mean

It just occurred to me in writing this that there are only two options for how this thing got on the show:
- someone had to knit it (and I know how long that shit takes)
- this was a commercially-available product that could be purchased (probably at the store where you can get Guatemalan gloves and glass pipes “for tobacco only”)

Either option is equally terrifying.

But let’s not dwell on that scary sweater. Let’s talk about HOW SEXY THIS SCENE IS.

First, Brenna basically accuses Riker of being gay (“Don’t you like girls?”) while slipping off her peasant skirt to reveal a skirt that could not possibly stay up under normal gravitational circumstances:

Then, the seduction begins…on both ends.

Riker: So, is there any special technique to this foot-washing?
Brenna: You generally start at the top and work your way down.

Taking down a woman’s hair: hott

Riker: I think I can handle that.

Where’s your feistiness now

Brenna: I was hoping you might.

SPACE MAKEOUT

Not gonna lie, guys…this was PRETTY SEXY, especially considering Brenna was covered in thick wool up top.

So back in the plot, Danilo is requesting whiskey from the replicator (GET IT? BECAUSE HE’S IRISH) and the Enterprise is wending towards the other colony. When they get there, they learn a couple of things:

- the clothes in the new colony are super boring/do not involve shawls
- they are ALL CLONES, leading to this bit of stellar dialogue:

Dr. “Bad Hair” Pulaski: Tell me, is your entire population made up of clones, Prime Minister?
Worf: Clones?
Riker: Clones?!
Prime Minister: Clones.

As if this episode wasn’t already crazy enough, we add some fucking CLONES to the mix. So the main problem with this new colony, which is called “Mariposa,” is that if you clone a clone, you’re getting a copy of a copy, and eventually, the copy is going to be so bad that it’s not going to look like anything. We all saw Multiplicity, right? That last Michael Keaton was effed up. So Mariposa is like “can we have some of your DNA to refresh our population” and the crew of the Enterprise is like “uh, no, creepy,” but the Mariposa people STEAL their epithelial cells (the best ones for cloning) anyway.

SO THEN:
Riker and Pulaski have to go DESTROY the clones of themselves and the Mariposa people are like “NOW what are we going to do?” and Picard is like “you don’t need more clones, you need breeding stock, and we have some in Cargo Hold 7.” The homeless Irish will have a place to live, and the Mariposa people will have someone to bone! Everyone wins!

But we are left with SO MANY STRINGS:

- Brenna deserts Riker for a new colony
- the Mariposa people are, apparently, forgiven for stealing Riker’s and Pulaski’s DNA (like you would want a planet of Pulaskis anyway)
- Worf FAINTED earlier
- there is goat shit all over the cargo hold

But we got to see this:

…and that is worth a million unfinished plotlines.