Fashion It So

Gambit I & II - 7.04/7.05

As you may or may not have noticed, we don’t do these episodes in any particular order. Sometimes we’ll be particularly intrigued by a description on Netflix (or in the old days, surfthechannel), or sometimes someone will give us a hot tip. Our plan is still to do every episode, so if we haven’t done your favorite yet, don’t fret.

That said, we will take your suggestions under advisement if you holler at us. This double episode was suggested very passionately by Lisa (who, if her email is correct, is a cat lady), as well as Sarah on Twitter, and then by Deborah and Britt in person. It’s popular.

Since today (January 8) is David Bowie’s birthday, we thought this would be a good one to do. As Lisa puts it “Over the course of the two episodes there is archaeology, Romulans, pain inducing brain implants, and a ship full of bandits who all appear to be taking their fashion cues from David Bowie’s various incarnations.”

Then she pasted a picture of this guy:

I mean…she ain’t wrong.

But let us begin at the beginning, where some sort of undercover operation is under way at a shady, and rather dusty, space dive bar:

More like GROSS Eisley, amirite

The overarching sartorial theme here is biker-chic with a little French Rococo flavor thrown in for good measure. Sons of Anarchy do Moliere, if you will.

Let them eat heart of targ

What I’m really enjoying here is how this lady has matched her nails to her hair.

But what are our intrepid crew up to?

Now playing for The Sacramento Leave It Honeys

Deanna, no one in suspenders should be capable of throwing the amount of shade you are throwing at this moment, but you are pulling it off. This is a nice blue, but suspenders and titties aren’t friends. Don’t do this again.

Worf thought the color was Blood of Your Enemies but it was actually Cranberry

Meanwhile, these two strapping lads are looking dapper in what appear to be fancy bathrobes in fruit shades. Worf looks very nice in that cranberry, though, and Riker in grape is pretty good too.

But the winner of the Enterprise Undercover Fashion Show is:

BEV YOU HOT SLUT

No, not that guy in the middle with the catcher’s vest vest. It’s Bev, serving Bonnie and Clyde realness with a colorblocked theme. TEAL HAT! MAUVE COAT! GREEN TOP! BURNT SIENNA PANTS! She took the color wheel, broke it in half, and devoured it. I mean:

Pretty sure that’s a Karl Kani jacket

That is a LEATHER BERET, you guys. A TEAL LEATHER BERET. I’m sorry for yelling, but I want it.

Okay, so the plot here is that everyone is searching for Picard, who mysteriously disappeared while down on this planet. They are questioning this guy:

Can we get John Travolta in Battlefield Earth? No? Okay

Both of these guys look like they could use a facial moisturizer, if nothing else.

They rough him up a little, and he tells them that Picard has been VAPORIZED and is DEAD. But like: did anyone really think he was dead? Even when this first aired? Get real. No way. Not now, not never. Anyway, the CREW all believes he’s dead, everyone goes back to the ship, despondent and unmoored like a dog on a raft.

FRAKTING

There is a really dumb scene between Riker and Troi about how Picard is dead and Riker’s actual line here is “I have an open wound. Right here, it hurts like hell. I don’t want it to get better, and I don’t want to pretend that everything’s all right.” He will never rest until JUSTICE is found for Picard. So Ensign Sondra Huxtable sets a course for a planet where they will find the justice:

I wish Wesley was here…I always liked his sweaters

I am going to take this as proof that The Cosby Show and TNG take place in the same universe, and that Rudy was friends with Zefram Cochran. (She will be/would have been 84 on First Contact Day.)

They get to the planet where they think the people responsible for Picard’s death are, and Riker and Geordi investigate by posing real hard:

I like this stance because it really highlights my manhood

While they are practicing for the upcoming issue of Fantastic Man, they are ambushed by a group of mercenaries, a motley band of rogues held together only by their desire for wealth and their loose interpretation of space law.

Also their love of jumpsuits

Gene Roddenberry said there would never be space pirates on this show, but guys…this seems PRETTY MUCH like space pirates. (There is some good stuff regarding this on the Memory Alpha page of this episode.)

The space pirates kidnap Riker and take him to their leader, Labyrinth Bowie:

I couldn’t find the right coat so I made one out of caramels

I don’t know if those are eyebrows or part of his hair, but he needs to get together with those guys from the space dive bar and have a spa day. Gurl your hair look drier than my panties at a Justin Bieber concert. BUT I will give it up for that top. The color family looks nice on him, and the quilting design makes me think of candy.

His underling, however, is desperately trying to be Labyrinth Bowie and failing:

One time I saw my captain wearing army pants and flip flops so I bought army pants and flip flops

The hair is too high, there is a goatee where no goatee should be, and are you wearing a top made of a drum blanket? No wonder you’re not in charge. Also on crew we have Ziggy Stardust Bowie:

Somehow she has out-Bowied Bowie

Okay. This outfit involves an angora sweater trimmed with some ribbon one might find on a dirndl dress, over what appears to be a plum-colored leather jumpsuit, all topped with the highest Ziggy Stardust mullet this side of the Delta Quadrant. This. Bitch. Is. Fierce.

Rounding out the crew we have self-titled Bowie:

Did Bowie have a Vulcan phase? Probably

This one is admittedly kind of a stretch, but hear me out. Check out Bowie’s debut album from 1967:

Severe, geometric hairstyle? Check. Monochromatic clothing in a stiff, unforgiving fabric? Check. Finely-sculpted eyebrows? Check. Skin like a baby’s? Check. She’s a brunette and he’s a blond, but this Vulcan hottie is totally David Bowie Bowie.

But wait! There’s one more crew member!

OHHHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT

It appears that Picard (who is calling himself Galen and is totally not dead) missed the David Bowie memo and is dressed rather as some sort of futuristic JIM Bowie, inventor of the knife of the same name. Or, as Lisa pointed out, he is just repurposing his Qpid costume but with more diagonal belts.

One thing to know about these pirates is that the leader keeps them in check with a neural pain implant that he can use whenever they’re being insubordinate. Not the most legitimate leadership strategy, but certainly an effective one.

MORE FRAKTING

At some point, Picard and Riker get a moment alone to fill each other in. To keep their cover, they frequently have to act like they hate each other, which is enjoyable, and then Picard punches Riker right in his be-bearded face:

Backhanded

Then there is a lot of subterfuge and sabotage and crossing and double-crossing and possibly triple-crossing and there are secret plans and Deanna is concerned about ALL of it:

Concerned, always

Riker suggests to Captain Labyrinth Bowie that they make some sort of double-cross deal:

Riker’s impish face has gotten him more than his fair share of “deals”

And it ends with them making more than just a deal!!!!

Space beej

Haha, no it doesn’t. Riker would never blow a dude with hair that dry.

Okay, so the space pirates are looking for some artifacts, and one of them is being carted around by the TALLEST KLINGON IN THE LAND:

He is both a little bit taller and also literally a baller

Ladies and gentlemen, professional basketball man James Worthy!!! Considering this guy is some sort of freelance pirate, he’s pretty stylin’ here. Everything is very well-thought-out, with the boots complementing everything nicely, and it all fits well. The pieced-together look is nice on him:

This fabric was inspired by mold

However, he is still a Klingon, and not terribly schooled in social niceties, so when the crew offers him Klingon bloodwine, he is less than grateful:

Pour one out for the Klingon empire

The reason he’s on the Enterprise at all is that the crew still on board has figured out that the space pirates are looking for the artifact he’s carrying, so eventually they show back up with Riker and Picard, and Picard “kills” Riker so he can escape the pirates.

Ya burnt

There’s a LOT of plot here that I won’t get into, but basically it turns out that the Vulcan lady pirate is part of some sort of Vulcan isolationist sect and is trying to find this crazy mind weapon that is composed of the artifacts they’ve been collecting, so the Enterprise calls up Vulcan to warn them:

Hair by Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber

The Vulcan puffy paint symbols that jurijuri explained to us in Suspicions are back, this time on a less exciting jacket that I am SURE he got as part of a 2-for-1 deal at Vulcan’s Wearhouse. You’re gonna like the way you look; anything else would be illogical.

Eventually she does put together the mind weapon and uses it on someone:

Hungry eyes? Or crazy eyes? Or both

This is what it looks like when the mind weapon kills you:

Ow, telepathy

But this is what it looks like when you figure out that the mind weapon can be defeated by…thinking peaceful thoughts??? This is some straight stay-puft marshmallow man shit up in here.

Riker is really more of a Venkman than a Ray though

In the end, they defeat the mind weapon with peace in their hearts, and return to the Enterprise, where Picard is still technically dead, and Riker is technically a renegade, so Data is in charge of the ship, and puts Riker in the brig because androids don’t get humor, except for that time Data hung out with Joe Piscopo.

Where’s your impish face NOW Riker

Thank you trekcore.com for the screencaps!

Dark Page - 7.7

I know I’ve said in the past that writing about a Lwaxana Troi episode for a fashion blog is kind of a fish-in-a-barrel type situation, like when the gals at Go Fug Yourself write about Bai Ling or a comedian impersonates Michele Bachmann. But this episode, Dark Page, actually contains only TWO featured L.T. outfits, and Deanna even points out in the episode that they are more subdued than her normal getups. I mean:

I won’t be suede by your argument

What is that fabric, chamois? MICROSUEDE?!?! Whatever it is, it is BROWN, as though she is on her way to the UPS Awards Ceremony, and shows no skin whatsoever. The only hint that this is Lwaxana “Boob Triangle” Troi is that melty-looking neck trim that may or may not have been made from friendly plastic.

The rest of the outfit is, of course, a full gown. At least she gives us that much:

How now brown gown

There wasn’t an opportunity to get a great shot of the dress, which is fine because it’s so boring that if I posted any more pictures of it you would all fall asleep on your keyboards. I do enjoy that sash/belt item at the waist, if only because it has saved the outfit from being a column of poo. I will also never ever stop loving/being baffled by the Ten-Forward uniforms.

Now, the main thrust of this episode is that there are some aliens called the Cairn (which, when naming aliens, maybe try to pick a name that doesn’t evoke tiny cute dogs) who communicate telepathically, but want to join the Federation, so they are learning to communicate verbally. One of them is a wee child named Hedril:

Let’s have a Kiki

OMG BABY KIRSTEN DUNST. Yes, just before she kicked it with Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise as a tiny vampire and way before she was incredibly annoying as MJ, Kiki here was a telepathic alien with some kinda weird outside brain over her ears. Still cute as a button, though:

Stoned Hedril is the new Drunk Baby

If I didn’t already have bangs, those bangs would make me want bangs. We’ll see more of Kiki’s outfit later (spoiler: it’s a jumpsuit), but there are a couple more things in this party for the Cairn we need to address, namely that DEANNA LOOK GOOOOOOD GURL:

Ombr-haaaayyyyy

That dip-dying effect you’re seeing here is called “ombre” and it is sort of a thing right now in 2012. I particularly enjoy how one sleeve has more of the deep bluey purple like she actually fell into a vat of blueberry juice sideways. The one exposed shoulder is a nice touch, too. Deanna’s hair is doing a lot of work in this episode, and by “work” I mean “WERQQQ”:

“Make the bangs as 1993 as possible. Great”

I didn’t have bangs in 1993 but I sure knew some girls who did, and this “comb half your bangs down so they’re real wispy” thing never made sense to me. I’m not saying it makes sense now, I’m just saying that D is making it work. Also, from this closer vantage point I feel confident in confirming that that dress is DEFINITELY just made of spandex. Brave, D, brave.

Deanna is chatting with Hedril’s dad, a man with the improbable name of Maques:

Don’t try to spell it fancy; your name is Mac

Seen here sporting sort of a Rick Astley/Mitt Romney hybrid on his head, Maques is very committed to pleats. Lwaxana, of course, is like “A MAN! You should marry him, Deanna,” because even hundreds of years from now that will still be the measure of a woman’s success in life. Sigh. Deanna, of course, gives her mother a dirty look:

Mother, PLEASE

She looks so evil/sultry here and he looks so unassuming that it made me want to make this:

Your Life. Your Time.

I think that’s all I need to say about that.

The next day, L-Train is still all up on Deanna’s junk about putting the moves on Maques, but at least she’s wearing something we’re more used to:

Mother of the Bride Realness

That is a taffeta coat, y’all. A paisley. Taffeta. Full-length. Coat. DRINK IT IN.

He should be way more happy to be the meat in that sammy

They are having a telepathic convo here, and it’s not about how they both have incredible hair.

You are my hair heir

Seriously, there is so much hair here I don’t really know how to quantify it. A Wendy Williams of weaves? A Lady Bunny of locks? If Lwaxana fell backwards, she wouldn’t even hurt her head due to the volume of hair and air protecting her noggin. 

Lwaxana is acting a little weird - weirder than normal - and D takes it to her boy Will to discuss: 

Cosmos are back, but this time they’re MANLY

I include this to point out that Riker is DANGEROUSLY close to chin-strapping it here. Let that beard grow full, friend!

Lwaxana charges in and yells at Riker and everyone is confused, including Tracee Lee Cocco, aka Duran Duran Ensign: 

That’s her back there, I swear

I think she’s wearing the turquoise dress she wore to Data’s poetry reading. You work them shoulderpads, girl.

It turns out that Lwaxana is acting all weird because she’s been doing so much telepathy with the Cairn and her telepathy brain chemical (sure) is running low. So Deanna takes over for a while, even though she’s only half-Betazoid. They all go for a nice visit to the arboretum:

Our uniforms come exclusively in Crayola Bold Box* colors

I’m assuming those are Cairn uniforms since they’re all EXACTLY THE SAME but for the color, including MATCHING BOOTS. I wonder how much the Cairn military spends on boot-matching technology. Everyone’s working some good colors here except for this unnamed Brown Cairn:

My sleeves double as a flotation device

Also cavorting about in the arboretum are some fashionable children:

Pink: still girly

Is this girl wearing stirrup pants OVER HER SHOES? I know fashion evolves, but girl. There will never be a day where that is okay. You could step in something!

Lwaxana, who is SUPPOSED to be resting her telepath powers, is along for the ride, looking rough:

Bags under her eyes? More like suitcases, AMIRITE

While the adults are chatting, little Hedril slips and falls into a pond, which seems pretty stupid until I remember that I did the very same thing one time in Kensington Gardens when I was about her age. No one’s too mad, though, because who can resist this face??

Tee hee

Plus, unlike me, she didn’t have to get all the way home in wet sweatpants. I’m actually more embarrassed about the worn-in-public sweatpants at this point than the falling in a pond part.

However, Hedril’s exploits soon take a back seat to the fact that Lwaxana has collapsed! No one is quite sure what happened, so they take her to sick bay and give her one of those disco blankets:

Iridescent blankets for your health

You know the common phrase “I wouldn’t be caught dead in that”? I don’t think Lwaxana would like being caught in a coma in this, either:

I may be in a coma, but I’m not BLIND

Horizontal ridges? One solid color? A BOAT NECK?! This is not the Lwaxana Troi of the waking world, that’s for sure. Also I am going to use this space to publicly declare that if I fall into a coma at any point, someone needs to be responsible for doing my nails. I don’t care if you do them yourself, or outsource it to a professional, just make sure they get did.

I’m not super-sure how this next part works, but Deanna goes into her mom’s mind - with the help of the telepathic Cairn - to try to figure out what’s bothering her. There are a number of obstacles:

A not-terribly-frightening wolf/dog

Dark-Eyed Kiki

Dead Dad

In terms of things that make you go “hmmm,” your own dead father is probably pretty high on the list. The black trousers look pretty basic, but let’s see his top a little better.

Fred Armisen?

The mustard/ketchup color scheme here isn’t doing a whole lot for me except making me want a hot dog, but I have to say that the non-functional shoulder buckle is a thing I think we need to be seeing a lot more of. (Edited to add: helpful reader auryon points out some astute things about this fashion here, with photo evidence that the buckle IS IN FACT FUNCTIONAL.)

Deanna wanders around in her mom’s subconscious for a while and comes up short, so she drags out her Box o’ Memories to see if anything gives her an idea. What a nice picture of her father:

Printed photos: still a thing?

I keep trying to look at Mr. Troi, but I always get distracted by those INSANE NAILS. They’re like the uncanny valley of nails. They’re fake, but SO CLOSE to being real that they become terrifying. That’s why I keep my nails painted with neon colors.

Anyway, Troi figures out that there is some SECRET her mom is hiding and resolves to find out what it is. First, she must get past the FEARSOME WOLF and SCARY CHILD:

Super scary

A bit of trivia here: the trained wolf was apparently too dangerous to be around, so Kiki just petted a stand and the wolf was CGI’d in later. (Also notable: this episode is one of a handful in which you never see the bridge, including Liaisons, a post about which was coincidentally posted exactly one year ago.)

Deanna makes it through to THE SECRET, which is that her parents had a totally cute dog:

HAPPIEST DOG

Actually the secret is that Mr. Troi was just as fierce as his wife:

Oh hey gurl

He is like a futuristic Ricky Martin impersonator in those tight pants. And the wrap top is a bold choice on a man but Ian here is kind of pulling it off, mid-priced hotel drapery pattern notwithstanding.

Okay, for real, the secret is that Deanna had an older sister, Kestra. That baby up there? That’s our D, clad all in purple:

She is crying because they made her wear Crocs

Sad Baby D is crying because her parents are crying, and her parents are crying because Kestra just slipped and fell into a pond and drowned. It’s actually real sad. Lwaxana kept it hidden all these years and now it’s finally all coming out. Look at this cutie:

Ghost cutie

Also all in purple. Makes sense: Lwaxana WOULD be the kind of mother who insisted on a color scheme for her girls.

Lwaxana and Deanna come out of the coma and talk about Kestra rather than keeping her hidden. There’s even a photo of her stashed away:

GameBoy: Photo Edition

Those are Lwaxana’s hands up there. At least we know Deanna comes by those freaky-ass nails honestly. And as though to prove that Lwaxy is back to her old self, she wears what can only be described as Renaissance Faire Chic:

Brocaaaaaaaaayyyy(de)

She’s not plunging to the depths we’ve seen her in before, but at least there’s some decolletage happening, and a bonkers print on the corset and half-sleeves(??) we see here. And the skirt, just as we have come to expect, is more full than anyone in space needs it to be:

The pattern called for 1000 yards of fabric

So I guess this wasn’t a TOTAL loss on the crazy Mrs. Troi outfit front. You always deliver, Lwaxana. Reliably bananas, just like Bai Ling and Michele Bachmann.

*I thought I’d made that Bold Box reference like 5 times already on this blog, but it was just once. 

Masks - 7.17

I’ve been having a bit of a poor streak with TNG eps here. “Masks” was so close to the end of the series that I thought we’d have to have a nice mixture of sophisticated plot and a couple of interesting (if not totally bananas) fashions, but WRONG ON BOTH COUNTS. As we’ve said before, for plot points you can’t go wrong with Zach Handlen’s extensive review of every TNG episode ever over at the A.V. Club; I’m going to try my best here to focus on the fashion, such as it is.

We start out in a classroom, where Troi is helping the kids (and Data) sculpt their feelings. We get another appearance from Rickey D’Shon Collins, who you may remember from this previous post, though this one’s a little more brief. Fortunately, because kids wear the darnedest things, he’s got another crazy jumpsuit.

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but that child’s jumpsuit may have shoulder pads.

You know, because you want those eight-year-olds to look strong and professional. The color combination is a little more Gymboree than what I’d like to think that 24th century kids would be into, and while that orchid/eggplant mix up top is interesting, I’m not sure it works as that weird pectoral band. On the other hand, that Yves Klein Blue around the stomach is kind of mesmerizing. Okay, next fashion.

Could you show me to your more shimmery gym bags?

I know, I know, I’m reaching. There’s just not a lot to work with in this ep. Anyway, I know about seven ladies and at least two or three gentlemen who would rock that either as a gym bag or just an amazing purse. I’m just cynical enough to envision Gucci gym bags as the next big thing. 

The main thrust of the plot is that the ship has encountered a weird alien archive and parts of the ship and its computer are being taken over, including Data.

Now that’s a face tattoo he’s gonna regret later.

This facet of the episode was what made me pick it—I had hoped that Data would have a bunch of different costumes, but instead, for the different personalities that take over his body, he gets those weird stone squares on his chest. (PS, the science logic in this episode is all over the place.) Here’s another one:

Old and busted: “Hi, my name is…” badges. New hotness: Cryptic stone plates that TELL US NOTHING.

On the other hand, it’s nice to see Brent Spiner get to move a little more out of his normal android range. I wonder if, the same way Patrick Stewart had in his contract that he got to do a Shakespeare speech in each season of TNG, Spiner had negotiated that he gets to emote at least once a year.

What a sass-bot. I love it.

Anyway, more and more of the ship starts to get transformed, including Ten Forward:

This actually doesn’t look entirely unlike the tiki-side of Tallahassee’s own Waterworks bar. Ironically enough, the other side of Waterworks is Space-themed.

Eventually they need to make a temple out of one of the corridors? There’s some sort of transformation program that transforms things. I don’t know.

I’m pretty sure this is the Pilates room at Club Med: Cozumel

And of course, because the name of the show is masks, the end has to do with masks. 

Faux-Aztecan Warrior Queen-Eyes-Wide-Shut masks are totally in right now.

And JLP puts this on:

PROTIP: To make your bald head look less shiny, wear a shinier mask.

Anyway, there’s not much to say here, folks. Maybe Anna will take pity on me and let me review one of the few remaining Lwaxana episodes next.

Oooh, the shiny mask on P-Stew reminded me of his brief appearance in Robin Hood, Men in Tights, where he has a bonkers Scottish accent… check it out!

Journey’s End - 7.20

This seventh-season espisode serves as a bookend for this first-season one, so you might want to brush up real quick on that. We can wait.

Okay, so we’ve got two things going on in this episode: first, the Cardassians are taking control of some planets, one of which is inhabited by some Native Americans. (That is the term that Starfleet uses. They never mention a tribe.) The Native Americans don’t want to leave, the Cardassians want them to leave, and the Federation has to step in, which means this admiral rolls in:

Can we get Judith Light? No? Fine

Ooooh, I love me some gold piping on a fancy uniform. And I was about to complain about her messy, 90s-be-banged updo, but after looking at it for a while, I think I like it. It could be a little more authoritative - she is an admiral, after all - but I’m not mad at it. And the back looks pretty without being too elaborate:

Chignon’d

I like how she is giving sort of a Keira Knightley Beauty Gaze in this shot. I wish that jacket was a leeeetle longer or a leeeeetle shorter, but you know what? Admirals ain’t got time to worry about how a jacket that length hits her right at the widest part of her hip. She has SERIOUS THINGS to deal with, like this planet and the Cardassians and the “Native Americans” and shit.

But we’ll get to the Native Americans (AND THEIR FASHIONS) in a second. The other plot is that WESLEY IS BACK, BITCHES.

I brought my own boombox

Not only is he back, but he’s also got a puss on him like you wouldn’t believe:

Petulance is forever

Somewhere, there is an eye-rolling class using footage of Wil Wheaton as a demonstration of perfect technique.

Wes is back from Starfleet Academy on vacay and JESUS CHRIST does he have a bad attitude. Here he is, ‘tudin’ all over Engineering:

Vest/Stance of Disdain

Oh my god. What is he wearing. Look, I know Wesley has a penchant for bad, bad sweaters, but DUDE WHAT IS THAT.

No

The sullen attitude now makes sense. How can you be anything but pissy while wearing a mock turtleneck (barf barf barf) and THAT VEST?!

He looks as drunk as he must have been when he picked this outfit

Who thought this was okay? This vest looks like something a pastor’s wife from Minnesota wears on the day of the Vikings game because she thinks it’s festive but still topical, and then her sister-in-law comes over with a hotdish for the game and is like “oh for cute” and asks her where she got it and she says she MADE it but she had to buy the fabric in the upholstery section of JoAnn’s. Oh, and everyone is on acid the whole time.

In any event, Wesley is back, and he has apparently not grown out of wearing the worst things.

Down on the planet, Picard is meeting with the Native Americans:

Sitting Bull Conference Center, for all your trite Native American Stereotype needs

It’s worth noting here that this colony is the beginning of the people that would eventually produce Chakotay (or as I like to call him, “Chakot-haaaayyyyy”). The clothes in this scene are cool, overall, but I think I’m being swayed by the high level of print-mixing because I LOVE IT:

Storm has not aged well

The top by itself is pretty cool, but if you look closely, under his flowing tresses, you can see a CRAZY VEST just peeking out. THAT is what I am talking about, folks. None of this half-assed solid mock turtleneck foofaraw. We want full-on batshit print mixing.

Ride it, my pony (beads)

The guy on the left here is not print mixing, but I will give him a pass because LOOK AT HIS DOPE HAIRDO AND NECKLACE. Leather-wrapped braids are the bacon-wrapped hot dogs of hairstyles. You hear about it and you’re like “that might be a little much” but then you experience it and you’re like “NOPE, JUST ENOUGH.”

Later, everyone comes up to the Enterprise for a little soiree and we get more fashions that would later be appropriated by Urban Outfitters and labeled “ethnic,” as though that term means anything:

1996: Apex of the Baja Hoodie

Is he wearing a PURPLE JEGGING?! Be still my heart.

This, Wesley: this is how you do a vest

WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE. A tie-dyed green top with…burnt sienna pants? All topped with some sort of crosshatch-patterned CROPPED vest? You might be saying, “No, this outfit clashes and has way too much going on,” but all I will do is  tell you all your points are invalid due to that SIDE MINI BRAID.

Wesley is at the party, continuing to be on his period, and chats a little bit with this guy:

John Cusack Hair Club for Men

I felt a little bad for this guy at first since he doesn’t get the long, luxuriant hair of his compatriots, but then he turned around:

Business in front, etc.

Plus he has some sort of bunny-tail necklace, which I bet is soft. AND these purple sleeves:

My wrists get really coollllldddd, okayyyyy

So he and Wes chat a bit and he basically is like “maybe you should go on a vision quest.” Before that can happen, though, the fucking Cardassians have to come look around:

His marriage lasted 72 days, then he fought his wife to the death

The Cardassians, like the Romulans, are generally antagonistic and warrior-like, and their clothes reflect that. Utilitarian and oddly ridged, just like their faces.

Meanwhile, Wesley is into the idea of the vision quest, so he shows up where Purple Sleeves told him to:

Buh, forever and always

Purple Sleeves is like “oh hey. Welcome to my home that I decorated to look like a terrifying version of It’s a Small World.”

World of laughter? No…world of tears

I actually think the art department just printed a bunch of clip art real big and glued it to some wood for this room.

So Purple Sleeves starts a Vision Fire for Wes and leaves him to get high:

Everybody must get stoned

Wes has a great time on the vision quest, and sees his dad, Captain Forehead:

I’d buy a big prosthetic forehead and wear it on my real head

His dad is like “you will soon start on a new path” and “you want to eat, like, a whole bag of Cheetos.”

Meanwhile, outside the Vision Hut, the Cardassians are all up on this planet way earlier than they are supposed to be:

What Would Brian Boitano Do (Answer: wear this…fabulously)

The tightness of the Cardassians’ pants, as well as their imperial leanings, cause a great deal of anxiety among the amazingly-attired inhabitants:

MORE NECKLACES

I legitimately want that colorblocked vest on the right there

Fly girl (GET IT BECAUSE SHE HAS A CAPE)

Then shit gets real, because Starfleet needs to relocate the Native Americans (since the planet is now Cardassian territory), and the Native Americans won’t go, so Worf is SECRETLY relocating them, and then Wesley is like “you better stop that” and Picard is like “if you’re in Starfleet you better follow orders” and Wesley is like “FUCK YOU YOU’RE NOT MY DAD, MY DAD HAS HAIR.” That last part, not really. But he does resign from Starfleet!! While wearing the only outfit that could compete with his earlier vest outfit for sheer midwestern-mom lunacy:

Eggplant prophet

Thank god he switched out the mock turtleneck for a cult-leader top in a deep purple, but again with the print! This is more of a Baltimore Ravens color scheme than a Vikings one, but the pattern just screams Lutheran church picnic.

Meanwhile, on the planet, a full-on firefight has broken out, and Wesley is like “I wish I could stop it!” and all of a sudden, everything FREEZES and his Spirit Guide Purple Sleeves turns into:

There’s just a lot of forehead in this episode, son

The traveler! Did you revisit this episode like I told you? Go! Do it! He wears the best jumpsuit ever in it! He’s toned down his look a little, but he’s still working a one-piece:

Just a lot of bad crotch situations

Wesley. The vest is one of Thrift Store Jesus’ most wondrous inventions. I mean, look at this. I hate Bradley Cooper. I think he is the gold standard of doucheface and I think he robbed Ryan Gosling of the Sexiest Man Alive title. But in a vest? NOT MAD AT IT. (Side note: HOLY FUCKING JESUS whoever compiled this is an ANGEL SENT FROM HEAVEN. I mean Alan Tudyk is there. And Ianto. STOP THE MADNESS.)

All this is to say: you are giving vests a bad name, Crusher. Get back in a jumpsuit where you belong.

This guy, however, can do whatever the fuck he wants:

Fuck you, I’m awesome

Wesley looks like he’s running a youth group that encourages creepy behavior. This guy looks like he’s running a drug ring, a circus, or a store that sells craft supplies and also motor oil which would be AWESOME. How they can both be wearing vests and give off such different vibes is one of the mysteries of the universe. Hopefully on his journeys, Wesley will learn the answer to that mystery.

Everything ends up all right, with the Native Americans staying put, the Cardassians agreeing to be relatively cool to them, and Wesley running off with his boyfriend to travel on different planes of existence. Good luck, young Crusher, and get some new fucking clothes.

I will

Standard Wesley Crusher is Not Wil Wheaton disclaimer: we actually love Wil Wheaton (especially when he was on The Guild) and all our mocking of Wesley is heartfelt. If you wanted to tweet this at him, we would not be mad at that.

Liaisons - 7.02

I’ve just been in a real later-on mood with the show lately, you know? You’d think that they’d’ve started running out of stuff, but, apparently not. (Actually, when I was trying to figure out where they filmed TNG, I did find out that all the actors’ contracts were for eight seasons, but that Paramount didn’t renew the show because it was so expensive to make. Think of it! We could have had a whole nother season of TNG!)

Anyway, just because they were coming up with stories didn’t make them any less bananas. This episode opens up with Worf having trouble getting on his Starfleet formalwear:

You know, I think Worf probably could take a Mr. Universe pageant. And by take, I mean UTTERLY DESTROY IN THE FIELD OF BATTLE. In fact, why isn’t that part of the Mr. Universe pageant?

Fortunately, Riker shows up to help him with his… sash? I wish I could say that there’s a cute moment where Riker stands behind Worf to tie it for him, but it happens off screen, which, needless to say guys, is a MISSED MOMENT. We do get a nice moment of Riker being sassy and Worf being exasperated:

Riker: We are two good-looking guys. Worf: Excuse me sir? Riker: I wasn’t talking about you.

Worf actually says, “I feel like I’m wearing a dress”, which feels faked, since we’ve seen that Klingon dresses are made largely out of metal and balls. I actually thought we’d done a Klingon dresses episode, but I searched the site for “boob window” and all I got was results for Luxwanna Troi. Anyway. What you think of that sash, Worf?

That mustard/silver combination ain’t great, but can we talk about how nicely conditioned his ponytail is?

The reason they’re getting all dressed up is because the Enterprise welcoming a couple of ambassadors on board from a planet the Federation has never had contact with before. Oh goody! I wonder what kind of crazy fashions these aliens from an unknown planet will—

They still haven’t invented the color wheel, so technically, we’re violating the Prime Directive right now.

To be fair, that one dude has a weird gold blob on his chest, but I’m sure that won’t be important to the plot later. By comparison, the Starfleet uniforms look positively kaleidoscopic.

Riker: God, Deanna is SO BORING. Worf: I’m so stoned right now.

Can we talk about a few things here? First, the one thing that makes these outfits formal are that gold stripe that comes out of their necks. I’m all for minimalist touches, but it doesn’t exactly say full dress. They should at least have little hats or a sword or something. Second, how luxury is that velour captain’s jacket, amirite or amirite? No wonder Picard is so happy! Don’t you just want to rub your bald ahead against it? That’s right, Picard, we know what happens behind the doors of the captain’s quarters.

So part of the plot of this episode is that while the two liaisons are on the Enterprise, Picard is going to go off to their home planet and meet with an Emissary or something.

In the future, everything is geometrical, including my change of clothes.

Okay, so I had actually written a bunch more of this post before, and then I accidentally navigated away from the page without saving the a draft and LOST EVERYTHING. Anyway, I had found gym bags online that kinda looked like that and we could get our own logo on it, and I was going to see if any of y’all wanted Fashion It So branded gymbags. Mostly, I just need a gym bag, and thought it would be a good conversation starter at the gym with guys. “What? Oh, no, I just do this TNG Fashion blog on the side. Why, yes, I will marry you!” Anyway, where was I. 

OH YES. So, as part of the welcome for the liaisons is a party in Ten Forward, and man, are there some fantastic civvies in the background:

Ok, costume department, we’re going to need some radioactive green pants, grown-up size purple OshKosh overalls, and… a guy in a suit.

I really want to have been a fly on the wall of the costume department for this selection, because these costumes are all over the place! I mean, whomever took the fabric to turn those pants into pants (they almost look like the boots come directly out of the pants… like little booties) seriously needs to reevaluate their life. At first I wasn’t sure about the purple overalls, but then there’s a two-second glimpse:

B’Gosh’d.

The purple overalls really got me. My sister used to have a pair of those when she was 1 or 2, and she **ROCKED** them. This girl is doing an okay job. It’s nice to know that OshKosh is still going in the 24th century. That guy in the suit really killed me—he must have wandered in from some other set, because I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone wear a suit on the enterprise. And he’s not the only one whose wandered in from the ’80s…

Maris?

I swear to god, at some point I saw Bebe Neuwirth wearing that long blazer and tights outfit combination. I spent quite a bit of time trying to find footage of something similar, and while I came up empty handed on that front, I did find this, which was AMAZING:

Huh, I guess he does have emotions.

To be fair, she does have the same turtleneck and hairdo as the woman in red. In fact, the coat seems to be the right dimensions too. Anyway.

Troi has been put in charge of stumpy here, and he’s just discovered the word “delicious”. Troi is almost as renowned for her love of chocolate desserts as she is for her plunging cleavage, but the guy has her consuming sugar like an unscrupulous diabetic in a 7-Eleven (or, like we have on campus, a “Circle K”).

When your drink is the most colorful thing about you, you need to reexamine your priorities.

Part of me really hopes that they’re drinking Tang, because that would be fantastic. The reason I grabbed this shot though is… what is happening with Troi’s hair? It’s just too much. It looks like there’s a family of beavers in there. Actually, I know where I’ve seen that before:

It might be time to update your look, Troi.

However, the most awkward part of the episode comes right after this, when Troi’s liaison gets distracted by something he’s never seen before.

That kid’s look pretty much says everything.

This young acting prodigy playing the role of “Eric” is Ricky D’Shon Collins who is definitely earning his keep in this episode (and definitely earning that apostrophe in D’Shon, bokay?). At least the color combinations on his outfit aren’t totally jarring, and feel like something that might someday be aesthetically pleasing. Too bad this creepazoid is all up in his shit.

That’s right, kid, this is wrong.

I actually at this point was really starting to like this outfit as a tasteful vest/turtleneck combo for a kid, though I might not have the turtleneck be a different color (why is that even an option?) but then I started to worry… tasteful clothing? On the enterprise?

“Do you like… dessert?”

THIS IS ACTUALLY THE LINE THAT HE SAYS! TO THIS LITTLE BOY! I think we are all feeling like the look on Troi’s face. Eric is all about it though. He needs to take a lesson from Chris Griffin.

Anyway, as I was saying before, I knew something ugly was going to have to rear it’s heard re: Eric’s outfit, and lo and behold:

There is nothing right about this.

I don’t even know what to call that. Sleeveless onesie? Vest-topped jumpsuit? HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO USE THE BATHROOM IN THAT THING? I bet you five dollars it doesn’t have a fly.

Anyway, as long as we’re on the Troi train, there’s just one more moment to share. It turns out that these Liaisons are here to study the Federation and the way they’re doing it is by trying to push people to their limits: overindulging Troi, and the other guy, the tall one, fights with Worf. During the fight, though, there’s this fantastic moment:

The Girls are All Right

Another creepy smile from Troi’s Liaison, though I think that might be due to some ghosting. Troi’s rockin’ that gray jumpsuit, amirite?

So the B-story in this episode is that Picard and the Dude With The Golden Blob On His Chest (incidentally, that was going to be the follow-up to The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest) crash land on this random planet, and Picard is rescued by a woman who’s been stranded there for 7 years.

Shoulders are so out right now. No, literally.

Throughout the awkward scenes, this woman, Anna, keeps professing her love for Picard, and you get the sense that she doesn’t want to be rescued, and just wants to make stranded planet babies with JLP (though, to be fair, who doesn’t?)

This is pretty standard Star Trek “rough and tumble” garb, as if peasants will never not be able to wear dresses. I don’t know if there’s much else to say about this, except that that squared off neckline seems to have the opposite effect that Deanna’s gray jumpsuit has. 

You don’t want to stay with me in crazytown and father my children? Is it becuase of the one hole I have on my dress? Or is it this hideous jewelry?

So, yeah, girlfriend flies over the cuckoo’s nest a bit, but then things start to get weird, and, as it turns out:

The only reason to wear that ugly necklace is if it does something like this.

It was all a trick! The new alien species was trying to see if they could learn about humans by putting them under pressure! Ha ha ha ha! Just a misunderstanding!

Just you wait until you try and fly off this ship, Picard thought. You’ll learn plenty about us humans then. Heh, heh, heh.

Actually, I think the reason Picard is back to his old jovial self is because he has that luscious Captain’s Jacket back. In fact, the entire time he’s being held captive on the planet, his jacket is missing, so I can understand why he was so upset. All’s well that ends well, amirite, JLP?

Sub Rosa - 7.14

I’m pretty sure my favorite thing about almost any holiday is the potential for a marathon of something. Yeah, my family is cool, but look! FIFTEEN HOURS OF THE TWILIGHT ZONE IS ON. So I was very excited when a TNG marathon appeared over Christmas, including this episode.

I then received this wall post from my girl Kate, one of the coolest people in Indiana:

Please, please review “Sub Rosa” on Fashion It So. It’s the most ridiculous episode of TNG ever. And we all know, that’s saying a lot.

I mean, I was already on board, but that sealed the deal.

We open on a planet called Caldos II, which is apparently a planet made to look just like Scotland? Sure. Dr. Beverly is burying her grandmother and Picard and Troi are there for moral support:

Not putting the “fun” in “funeral”

I mainly included this to point out that while Troi’s hair is significantly smoother than what we see in the very first episode, its volume has not decreased much.

So of course because we are on a Scottish planet, everyone is wearing Very Traditional Scottish Clothing, because CLEARLY that is ALWAYS how Scottish people dress, just like how everyone in Japan always wears kimonos and Icelanders literally only wear big-ass sweaters:

The ol’ Scottish side-eye

a) her scarf is available for literally $5 on a street corner. Also I’m pretty sure she stole that hat from Zorro (McZorro?)
b) no one has angled their fedora that way, ever, in Scotland or anywhere else
c) is his scarf brooch thing made of STONE? It looks like an artifact from the British Museum*

Pro tip: do not put your hat in the dryer

I know how it is to have a too-small hat, girl, because my head is in the 95th percentile (I looked it up), but you just look silly. She’s got a British Museum scarf brooch too!

But we are not here for these random “Scottish” people; we are here for Bev’s grandma’s funeral:

Grief: the best conditioner

Bev is sad, of course, but that does not stop her from getting a full blowout and doing a really nice autumn eye/lip palette.

The leader or whoever this guy is has not had quite as much luck with his hair:

I was going for “Ian McKellen” but I got “Ronald McDonald”

It’s just so high.

So the funeral happens, and Bev notices a handsome gentleman toss a single rose onto the coffin and slink out through the crowd:

Post-transformation Beast

Sure, he’s wearing an ascot, which is weird, but clearly this planet has some confusion about what is and is not anachronistic.

Beverly is, obviously, intrigued, because hell-oooooo he is foxayyyyy! But first she has to go to her grandma’s house and sort out some shit. Troi tags along and finds this candle:

They say I have the best ass below Deck Fourteen, is it true

Troi is like “ooh, a thing!” and of course has to paw at it, while Bev explains that the candle symbolizes the “enduring Howard spirit.” Also, and this will be important, her female ancestors all had crazy green eyes, except her mother and her. Bev then curls up with a nice book:

Lucida Calligraphy? Fuckkkk, the future sucks

The best part of this shot is that right before it happened, my brother was like “what’s that book? Oh. It’s a journal, it says so right there.” Bev decides to give it some more attention, so she curls up in a blankie:

The Snuggie was outlawed in 2107 when they started to become sentient

I’m very surprised that with the whole Scottish thing they were trying to do here that this blankie is not tartan. Bev retires upstairs to read through the journal, wrapped in paisley goodness.

Now, I don’t know about you guys, but I can definitely get into reading someone else’s journal, so I do not think this is a weird thing for Bev to do. However: she learns VERY scandalous things about her grandma, some of which I will address in a second. But first, this guy:

Just because I’m Scottish doesn’t mean I NEED plaid

I’m pretty sure this guy is wearing two jackets. And a beret. End result: beatnik at a job interview.

So this guy rolls in, claims to be Bev’s grandma’s caretaker/janitor/guy Friday or something, and is like “THIS CANDLE IS CURSED!! YA CANNA KEEP THE CAAAANDLE!!” in this very Scottish accent. Bev, of course, is like “fuck you man, it’s my candle” and kicks him out, returning to the Enterprise with the Journal and the candle.

Meanwhile, in Engineering:

Our color palette is: barf

The leader guy with the high hair is learning about the Enterprise, while wearing an awful color combination of a baby poop green vest, a too much red wine vomit pants and a dingy brown shirt. Each piece is like a life lesson: don’t get pregnant, don’t get drunk, and…always do your laundry.

The subplot is something about a weather station on the planet and the Enterprise beaming power to it, but let’s be real: I don’t care about that planet or its weather. I care about what Bev is wearing to bed:

Anachronism? We specialize in that

You can’t see a whole lot of it, but that is definitely an old-timey Pride and Prejudice looking nightgown. If she runs off with Wickham, I will not be surprised at all.

During this scene, Bev is sleep-raped by a ghost that lives in the candle and was her grandmother’s lover.

I just needed to get that out there and I didn’t know how else to say it.

But it’s what happens! The next morning, she is like “ooh, Troi, girl, I had some DREAMS last night…it felt like someone touching me” and Troi’s ACTUAL RESPONSE is, “like a caress??” No one has ever used the word “caress” in real life, unless they are referring to the reasonably-priced line of soaps and body washes of the same name.

Anyway, Bev is actually kind of into it, so she goes back down to the planet to see if the ghost rapist is down there? Maybe?

Really, the worst-quality .jpg ever

Sorry guys. This scene was super-dark. I just needed you to know that she was wearing a cape and capri pants at the same time. Just forget this screenshot ever existed, okay?

She goes to visit her grandma’s grave and finds the janitor/caretaker guy there in another great ensemble:

I have two outfits: funeral, and clown

Okay, this jacket is a little much, but I kind of like it. Brocade is a bold choice, but it seems to be working out, and those double buttons are a nice little dash of interest up front.

He and Bev make nice, and Bev is like “it’s cool if you take care of my grandma’s house,” but he is like “YA HAVE A GHOST IN YER HOUSE! IT LIVES IN THAT CAAAAAANDLE!! YA CANNA LIGHT THE CAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNDLLLLLLEEEEE!!”

Bev, of course, does not listen, and returns to her grandma’s house, where she finds:

I lied before, this is the worst of all .jpgs

Okay, once again, this is a REALLY DARK EPISODE. This is a screenshot of her grandma’s house, covered in flowers everywhere! From the ghost rapist, obvs. Who then pulls one of my favorite horror movie tropes:

I thought you were every serial killer ever! But you’re just ghost rapist, so it’s ok

Here is the thing about ghost rapist, though: he has been ghost-raping Bev’s ancestors for like 800 years and they are all totally into it. This is why they all had the green eyes: because of the ghost rapist having taken them over.

“Into it” is actually kind of an understatement

The ghost rapist who lives in the candle (think about your life up to this point and whether you thought you would ever hear that phrase) is apparently VERY good at sexing up ladies without being a corporeal presence, so what we get in this episode is a lot of writhing Crusher:

ACTING

The green light here is because of the strange weather occurrences, which, as I’ve already stated, I don’t care about.

Bev then returns to the Enterprise with the ghost rapist still inside her? Maybe? It’s really creepy, whatever is happening. Troi stops by in her tai chi outfit:

Exercise: time to show off some cleave

We’ve seen this before, of course, but I feel it bears mentioning that the tai chi outfits are consistent. And consistently slightly too short in the sleeve!! Gah. Bev, however, isn’t interested, because she is too busy loungin’ it up:

Bathrobe or trench coat? YOU DECIDE

Apparently being in love with the ghost rapist turned her bathrobe pink.

Meanwhile, in the weather-related subplot, shenanigans are occurring and the leader guy is wearing this coat:

Bring me your thickest corduroy

Seriously, I have never seen corduroy with wales like that. Quick lesson in corduroy: the number of “wales” in corduroy are the number of ridges per inch, so the larger the number, the finer the corduroy. We had a 6-wale corduroy at a store I used to work at and I thought that was pretty thick; I just looked and found that J. Peterman (of course) carries a 4-wale corduroy, which I cannot imagine. This coat looks like 2-wale corduroy. It’s barely even corduroy anymore.

Comic fog

This is the result of some of the wackiness with the weather machine. Fog on the bridge is almost as good as a chicken in the hallway.

But back to Bev and the ghost rapist. At this point, she is pretty much being ruled by this guy, so we get a lot of shots like this:

or like this:

wherein Bev is clearly under his influence. She even sits, STARING at the candle, waiting for him to appear, like a 1960s teen girl sitting by the phone:

Why do you build me up

Of course, the reason all of this is so creepy is that Beverly is a doctor and a very smart woman (supposedly), yet even she is taken over by this weird romantic obsession with her grandmother’s ex-ghost lover. It gets so bad that the ghost convinces her to leave Starfleet and move to Fake Scotland Planet:

You are the weakest link, goodbye

So she dons her least flattering outfit, since the ghost rapist obviously doesn’t care about how she looks, and goes to live in her grandma’s house so she can be alone with her new beau:

They tried to get Slimer, but he was booked

Like - really? This is REALLY occurring? Green mist? What? At least she has a cute nightgown on again:

Sexytimes?

Picard is, of course, suspicious of Crusher’s reasons for leaving Starfleet, so he goes down to the Fake Scotland Planet to investigate and stumbles in while Beverly is having some “quality time” with the ghost rapist, which doesn’t go over super-well:

How Green Lanterns are made

It turns out that the weather occurrences and the ghost rapist were connected al along, because he’s not a ghost rapist after all, he’s a plasma being that lives in the candle. DUH. Geordi and Data discover some weird energy readings in Grandma’s coffin and decide to check it out:

So peacef—

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Bad idea, guys:

Plasma beings are kind of assholes

So the plasma being has taken over grandma’s body now (sure), zapped a few people, and is wearing a delightful blue dress that I think is a really nice shade.

But Beverly has had enough. It’s time to end this shit:

Who lives in a candle anyway? Stupid

She sets her phaser to the “destroy candle” setting and zaps that, and then zaps the ghost rapist too:

I don’t care how many ascots you have, no means no

She really works the sleepwear for this whole end part, though:

So many robe/gown combos

And her hair? STILL FLAWLESS.

*unrelated, but as a child I was literally obsessed with this hippo at the British Museum. It’s a fucking cute-ass hippo, okay?!

Homeward - 7.13

After dwelling for so long in the late ’80s with Season 1, I needed something a little more crisp and refreshing, so I dove into the other end of the pool with this episode from the last season.

So, PLOT: The Enterprise gets a distress signal from the planet Boraal II, where Worf’s brother is studying the Boraalans secretly, while observing the Prime Directive (there’s just no time for that here, but believe me, it is covered in detail elsewhere). The most important part of that for us is that the Boraalans can’t know that the Federation exists, so that means anyone who interacts with them has to look like them. Which means Worf has to have “surgical alterations”. They throw this around like it ain’t no thang, but really, Worf is having major plastic surgery, right? By the way, this is how they do it:

This this thing make my head look fat?

I think, since this is a Worf episode, we could afford to spend a few moments talking about his personal style, but before we do, I have to say… plastic surgery that happens without having to take off your uniform? This is the future!

Anyway, Worf. Worf, Worf, Worf. It doesn’t quite translate in the still, but he’s got some amazing consternation he’s aiming at Beverly. Look at that Fu-Manchu moustache. It seems so in contrast to the long, flowing, supple hair that’s piled on the pillow next to him. I know that, throughout the series, whenever Worf goes to bed with a woman, he lets his hair down, and it is always full and flowing. 

So, transformation complete, Worf heads down to the surface:

I don’t know where to start, so maybe we’ll just go with another pic:

I suppose the most obvious thing is that cowl that he’s wearing. It’s very Robin Hood and his Merry Men, which we’ve already covered in “Q-Pid” (Thanks Anna! image here). The next thing that jumps to mind is that ALL OF THEIR CLOTHING HAS A LOT OF TEXTURE. Helen Keller would have a field day with this stuff (too much?). 

So one thing that I couldn’t really get away from in this episode is what the eff was going on with this society, developmentally. Okay, they haven’t discovered Warp Speed (which is what qualifies you to know the Federation, incidentally), but where are they exactly in history? This shot would suggest a medieval period. I mean, his sleeves aren’t even connected to his shirt, for chrissakes.

Of course, he gets found by to Boraalans, who are similarly dressed:

I’m so glad that mauve and chartreuse are in this year.

One thing that we know now about this society is that they are NUTS about closures. Snaps, buttons, laces, sashes, ribbons… anything that can close it up, they’re into. They don’t want to use them, oh, no, they just think it looks classy. 

Okay, so, more evidence to suggest a primitive society. They haven’t discovered zippers or velcro yet… that’s fine. Hell, it may even be preferable. Imagine a hipster without zippers or velcro: YOU CAN’T.

Except that when these dudes find Worf in the caves, he’s holding this thing:

What? No, this is just my magic light tube.

Okay, so they have neon tubes? Or something? At first you’re like, “sure, science-fiction”, but then I have to say… along the way they wouldn’t have invented some sort of vehicle? Or a communication device? Or a zipper? Apparently not.

Anyway, PLOT: Worf’s brother is there, Nikolai, and he’s played by Paul Sorvino! He’s got a lot of knits and textures too!

What do you mean, indigo doesn’t go with plum?

So, just in case anyone’s curious, Paul Sorvino is literally the ONLY GUY ON THE PLANET who doesn’t wear a cowl. My theory? He showed up on the set, someone said “you have to wear this”, he said “why? who are you?” and they said “I’m the set anthropologist”, and then Paul Sorvino punched them in the face and said “I’m not wearing that fucking thing, you dickwad.” Anyway, let’s just note that none of the natives are freaked out by the fact that he’s not wearing one.

Oh, I’m forgetting some PLOT: The reason they got the distress call from Nikolai is because the planet is experiencing the phenomenon known as “atmospheric dissipation” where, in this case, the entire atmosphere just disappears in 38 hours. Problem is, Nikolai is now friends with the Boraalans (though they think he’s just another guy from Boraal). Nikolai is in trouble because the Prime Directive indicated that he should have let the Boraalans die in the dissipation (my brain hurts) but instead he protected them. So he has to go up for a Picard tongue-lashing.

Back to the fashion: that’s a lot of purple for one fat guy to wear, right? Well, honey, you ain’t seen nothing yet. When Nikolai gets on board the Enterprise, he chooses these classy civvies:

Plum, grape or eggplant? I can’t decide.

He’s trying real hard here to convince the senior crew to let him help the Boraalans. Troi is having none of it:

How could anyone be seen in an outfit so utterly ridiculous?

So he doesn’t manage to convince the crew, though I choose to believe that that has more to do with the fact that HIS SHOES MATCH HIS SHIRT:

“Nikolai, you’re embarrassing me in front of the rest of the ship.” —Worf

I still really don’t get what this says about a man, that he likes one color so much that he’d wear it ALL OVER ALL THE TIME. It’s really disconcerting, and I’d much rather have him in a cowl and choosing a couple of complementary colors. You chose the wrong thing to get pissy over, Sorvy.

Anyway, PLOT: the captain says he can’t save the people BUT HE DOES IT ANYWAY. We’ve been fed a little backstory about how Worf was the studious, serious one and Nikolai was the wild party one, and it’s right about then that you’re like… brothers? Somehow I already knew this backstory, that Worf was adoped by Nikolai’s father after his family was killed in a space-station attack/blast/collapse(?) way back in the day. So, we’re talking foster brother. The more serious concern is WHY DO I KNOW THIS?

The way Nikolai saves the Boraalans without spilling the beans about THE FUTURE is by beaming them all onto the Holodeck, where they can be fooled into thinking they’re still on their world. Unfortunately, the Holodeck is on the fritz (oh no!) so they have to find another planet to drop them on quick.

This isn’t a fashion item per sé, but it’s the 24th century, iPads and 3D visualizers are about as old news as paper and earth tones, so what would you use to find a new, suitable planet for this Boraalan refugees? 

I made it with foam core, some Christmas lights, and my mom’s punch bowl.

If you said something that looks alarmingly like this constellation projector that I used to have when I was a kid, then you were correct:

PS., they never use this thing again. Eventually Data is just like, fuckit, I’m using a computer.

“I swear, Beverly, if you barf on my workstation again, I will punch you. I’m not programmed not to hit girls.” —Data (Though, lets look at those pointy sideburns. Bold choice, Data)

Also, while we have Beverly here, can we talk about the eye makeup? Let’s go in for a closer look:

I’m sorry, we’ll have to seat you and your eyes in the Smoky section.

Look up at Deanna earlier! Wow. All of a sudden I want to be drinking a glass of red wine and have either one of them diagnose me in a deep, husky voice.

Okay, PLOT: They find a planet, but in order for the transition from their old planet to their new planet to go unnoticed, Worf and Nikolai have to lead the refugees on a fake trip in the Holodeck, which means Worf has to spend more time on the Holodeck. He gets to know this guy a bit:

Oh BTW we never discovered paper SORRY.

This kid is the earnest one who you knew was going to be trouble from the start. That thing he’s holding is his village’s Chronicle, which is sacred and stuff and he could only save part of it. Say, let’s go in for a closer look:

Look! CULTURE!

This kid realizes he’s dropped a scroll, wanders off, and, inevitably, finds his way off the Holodeck and is TERRIFIED by the rest of the ship:

The open jacket with the top button buttoned is the new black.

What is happening under there, by the way? There’s a lot of bows tied… it must take hours to get dressed and undressed. Nice puce color, though. This is why he looks so scared, though:

That’s not a bumpit holding her hair up in front, right? Ladies?

Anyway. Smoky eyes.

They get him to sickbay, where they get him to take off his jacket, leaving them with more fashion questions than it answered:

This guy: “I have no idea what’s going on here.” Me: “That makes two of us.”

So, here’s a fashion trend I noticed three-quarters of the way through the episode: this culture is a big fan of belts that DO NOTHING. Add belt loops to the list of things they never invented. This must be a known fact, because Worf’s outfit has a belt that’s really only there to give him more of a waist:

Sarah Palin’s Belt to Nowhere.

Is he wearing couch upholstery? Anyway. More people with belts to nowhere:

I’m gonna need something in a primitive space society, with a slight western twinge. Oh, and give that creepy dude in back a crazy Amish beard. Perfect.

All right, folks, it’s getting late so I better wrap this up. They get everyone to the new planet, and just in time. They all kind of give up on the guy who wandered off the Holodeck. On the ship, they’ve decided to let him do what he wants—he can go back to his people and tell them about THE FUTURE, or he can stay on the ship, or he can go back and not tell them anything.

I’m so confused I don’t even know to sit on a chair! WHAT’S A CHAIR?!

I was having trouble remembering how things turned out for him, and then he commits ritual suicide.

Now here’s a thing: how can a guy being confined in a room on a ship with nothing but his own clothes kill himself without leaving a mark anywhere on him? Also, how can the Boraalans produce such finely engineered gromits and not have figured out how to make a few different patterns of clothing?

But that’s a down note to end on. Let’s go back down to the surface:

What kind of animal do you suppose that was?

We of course have to end on a tender brother moment, and it made me realize that, with all of his heavy forhead makeup on, we often miss out on the acting talents of Michael Dorn:

Face, face, face.

Oh, and at the very end, Worf asks to take one of their Chronicles, even though they’re  a Pre-Xerox society, and they lost half of their Chronicles in the destruction of their homeworld, and the guy who committed suicide had one with him on the ship. And the guy who gives it away is Nikolai, who’s an impostor anyway.

It’ll make a great centerpiece for CB2.

Sigh. So much texture.